I have never walked on water
Felt the waves beneath my feet
But at Your word Lord
I'll receive Your faith to walk on oceans deep
And I remember how You found me
In that very same place
All my failings surely would have drowned me
Still You made a way

[c]
You are my freedom
Jesus You're the reason
I'm knneling again at Your throne
Where would I be without You
Here in my life
Here in my life

You have said that all the heavens
Sing for joy at one who finds the
Way to freedom truth of Jesus
Brought from death into this life
And I remember how You saw me
Through the eyes of Your grace
And though the price was Your beloved for me
Still You made a way

hello child

03.03.09

the sad things

i deleted the last entry coz i thought i was feeling a bit low and dreary and was being emo, and that perhaps my thoughts and my feelings were unfoundedly magnified and were maybe even unnecessary. but no, i dont think they are now. like what rudy said, he felt his heart repeatedly pierced this season and i do feel it too. broken people and hurting hearts, broken relationships and goodbyes. a lot of losses, yet at the same time a tiding of many good things. an overwhelming sense of pain and bittersweetness. how do you reconcile them all? yet, i know my God is in all this, yet i know He will see us through, that His plans are good and sovereign still.

poignantly and perhaps divinely so, i came across the lyrics of a mark schultz song, "cloud of witnesses", right before i got the news.


We watched them runnin' down the aisles,
Children's time, Sunday morning.
The preacher asked them who they loved,
They all smiled and started pointing to their mom,
Their dad,
The teacher from their kindergarten class;
And each and every one
Had just come from

A cloud of witnesses
That would see them through the years
Cheer them with a smile
And pray them through the tears
A cloud of witnesses that would see them to the end,
And shower them with love that never ends
A cloud of witnesses.

They stuck together through the years,
The best of friends faith could foster
So when they found out one of them
Had heard the news
He'd lost his father,
They ran to him
And prayed and put their hands upon his head,
And slowly one by one
They'd all become

A cloud of witnesses
As they sent above a prayer
They took a hold of hands and
circled 'round a friend
A cloud of witnesses with a faith just like a rock,
They helped him give his father back to God
As a cloud of witnesses

So when it comes the time
That heaven calls
They'll come running to see the ones who've gone before,
And made the journey home to find waiting for them at the finish line,
Cheerin happily they will run
and they will see

A could of witnesses
Lined up on a street of gold
As they run the final mile.
That leads them to a throne.
And through the cloud of witnesses
They see God upon the throne.
And as they fall into His arms,
They know they're home in
A cloud of witnesses,
Surrounded by a could of witnesses.

We watched them runnin down the aisles
Children's time
Sunday morning.



we're a cloud of witnesses.

as i grow older, i find myself becoming more impatient, less likely to trust, more judgmental and worse of all, making less and less effort to find out what's happening in the lives of others. a little more cynical and a little harder and a little more disgruntled. i am none the wiser.

gift

i want to sing to and for You

all the days of my life.

- credits: Jia'en Photography

lazy eye

it was my 2nd trip down to the optician on friday. and there, were my suspicions confirmed. i have a lazy left eye. my vision doesn't seem to focus very well on faraway objects even with the newly prescribed pair of eyeglasses. it felt heavy. it wasn't a physical heaviness but it was more of how my vision's weighted, hence the tiredness. optician ang says that my lazy eye is slight and that it should be corrected with lots of early nights and a good and healthy diet with loads of vitamin A. methinks that i need to borrow my bro's GNC membership card. this lazy eye resulted from prolonged wearing of my old over-prescribed pair of glasses, and well my eye's gone a bit wonky along with it, coupled with late nights and inadequate eye rest. this amounted to a non-balanced vision, a non-balanced eyesight.

you know how people say that the eyes are the windows to one's soul? i think there's some truth to it. i hate to agree with cheesy cliches, but oh well. i can't disagree with this one. it's interesting to know that the micro things in life may be reflecting the bigger ones.

my eyes are wonky because i have a log in one of them. i see the speck in a brother's eye without seeing the log in my own.

i think God's been constantly drawing my attention to this particular issue a lot these days, so much so that i cannot deny His hands working, that i cannot say that it's a coincidence, that i cannot run away from. because it's all around me. but no matter how God draws me to attention, it's done lovingly. luanie's fortuitous email from south africa sharing about what i was struggling with, wendy's sermon, pastor's sermon, a talk with wendy and rudy, disciple class readings... and now the lazy eye.

it was and still is an extremely humbling experience. having been so bent on being correct and shining that big bright spotlight on that wrongdoing of someone else's, but in turn having that light spotlighted on my own soul, on issues that i thought i had buried and put to rest a long, long time ago. surrendering isn't easy. surrendering my rights is painful because i have stop controlling, to satisfy the need to be right and to stop holding on to the security that i've constructed out of self-sufficiency and out of the need to protect myself to stepping out, onto the water, holding on to faith, which is nothing that can be seen, only believed. but what is certain and never-changing is how God makes all things beautiful and good in His time. i'm still at this stage of figuring out, at the stage of wondering what's next. but i'll wait and trust. i'll obey. things that don't make sense to me will be made sensible.

i'm so drained from the thinking, i've been so tired the past few days. the baggage that i carry, the weight that i lug around with me. the ball and chains of my soul. i've been packing my days with too many activities and kept on going though there were some signs along the way that pointed in the direction of rest and evaluation. sometimes i don't know why i do the things i do, doing the things that i don't want to do more than doing the things that i know i should be doing. i've been so steeped in self-sufficiency and dependency that i'm no longer sensitive to God and His voice, like putting on a bad pair of spectacles for so long that i've conformed to it.

but it's enough. it's done enough damage. my vision's unclear but i want to tune You in. i want to see through Your eyes with clarity, without a log. i'm back at ground zero, again. but make me teachable and prostrate at Your feet.

"So I went down to the potter's house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him." - Jer 18:3-4

breathe again.

brevity. frailty. life. heart. hope. overcrowded souls. defenseless. author&perfecter. defender. unfiltered. heart. dealing. atYourfeet. truth. mind. forgiveness. running. home. inYourarms. inadequate speech. unformedwords. surrenderingrights. mistakes. correction. humility. freedom&liberty. joy. sunshine. makesense. love. loveliness. thinkofprettythings. worth. lead. conflict. fear. death. darkness. straightpaths. clutter. why. SUMO. seebeyond. strength. prodigal. grace. livingwaters. fortheheartisthewellspringoflife. leadwithtruth. connectwithyou. friend. girlfriends. significance. balloons. happysmiles. toothygrins. bigbearhugs. oaktrees. book. rollinggreenhills. yellowfieldsofflowahs. summerbreeze. gloriousunshine. sweetness. grandma. warmth. goodfriends. family. Papa. life.

break free.

lay bare this unfiltered heart

a ponderous post.

is anyone ever ready enough to deal with a possible loss of a loved one?

is it wrong to question inevitability?

i dont want this

if it means you're preparing to leave us

the thought is too hard to bear

i'm reaching my hands to Yours
Believing there's so much more
Knowing that all You have in store for me is good

i'm setting my heart & mind on You

i'm unpacking.

reminiscent

-sigh-

i miss gigging and leading worship so much.

what can i do?

what can i give?

to offer this heart oh God

completely to You.

it's a little heavy now
it's a little dark out there
holding and protecting this heart

with malleable shields

from strangers close and closer still

i can't do it as well as You, Jesus.

take my heart again.

i just want You.

treading on this black sheet of ice

will you listen and not hear?

you're a little distant

let your guard down

let us in

we'll fight for you

we won't let go easy, no

love and truth

let those words be life evermore

woohoo!

happy kite-flying, fruit basket & fireworks-watching day

with Youthphoria @ marina barrage (:

<3

nothing beats having some good 'ol summer fun (:

lantern loves ♥

hit by a truck

In the autumn on the ground,

between the traffic and the traffic and the ordinary sounds
I am thinking signs and seasons while a north wind blows through

and like I can't force the sun to rise or hasten summer's start,

neither should i rush my way

July 6, 2009 Don't Fear Deeper Friendships by Rick Warren

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline" (2 Timothy 1:7 NIV).

When we're full of fear and anxiety, we don't get close to each other. We back off from each other. We're afraid of being rejected, manipulated, vulnerable, hurt, or used. All of these fears cause us to disconnect in life.

This fear is as old as humanity. When Adam and Eve sinned, and God came looking for them, Adam said, "I was afraid . . . so I hid" (Genesis 3:10 NIV). People have been doing that ever since. We're afraid, so we hide. We hide our true selves.

We don't let people know what we're really like. We don't let them see the inside of us. Why? Because if we let people know what we're like and they don't like it, we're up a creek without a paddle. Tough luck. Why am I afraid to tell you who I am? Because if I tell you who I am, and you don't like me, I'm in for it. I have no alternative. So we wear masks and we pretend.

Fear does three terrible things to relationships:

1. Fear makes us defensive. We're afraid to reveal ourselves. We defend ourselves. When people point out our weaknesses, we retaliate and defend ourselves.

2. Fear keeps us distant. We don't let people get close to us. We want to withdraw, pull back. We want to hide our emotions. We don't want to be open and honest. We become defensive and distant.

3. Fear makes us demanding. Whenever we're insecure, and the more insecure we are, the more we try to control. So we try to have the last word in a relationship. We try to dominate, control. It's always a symptom of fear and insecurity.

Where do you get the confidence, the courage, to take the first step in connecting with someone, to go into a deeper intimacy? Where do you get that courage?

You get it from God's Spirit in your life. Paul tells us in 2 Timothy 1:7, "For the Holy Spirit, God's gift, does not want you to be afraid of people but to be wise and strong (courageous), and to love them and enjoy being with them" (LB).

How do you know when you're filled with God's Spirit? You're more courageous in your relationships. You love people. You enjoy being with them. You're not afraid of them because God's Spirit is in your life. The Bible says "God is love," and "Love casts out all fear." The more of God you have in your life, the less of fear you're going to have in your life.

So the starting point in connecting with anybody is to pause, pray, and say, "God, give me the courage to take the first step." You need to do that now with a person you want to connect with.

beautiful

I was so unique

Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

"beautiful" / bethany dillon

***

i got all teary-eyed the first time i heard this song. it resounded so much with me. and i think it does too for many other girls out there, guys even. that boy/girl we see in the mirror... whom we sometimes dislike. we're all fighting to make the mirror happy. there were so many moments that i've walked away from it feeling unlovely, ugly even and wished that i looked different or like someone else, and totally rock like a rockstar if i were her for a day. hahaha. but when's that ever going to happen, yo? haha. zilch.

i felt a little bit of that tonight. it's funny how this line kept surfacing in my head while i was journaling: "seeking affirmation from mr. mirror each morning..." and immediately, i thought of bethany dillon's "beautiful" and it hit home. sometimes we forget how precious we - me, you, everybody - are to God who loves us just a father loves his child - lovingly, dotingly and affectionately. we're all beautiful to Him and He delights in us, regardless of our imperfections.

Father, our beauty comes from You and knowing who You are, that You've made us precious and treasured, beautiful and spirited. beauty that comes from a gentle spirit that is of unfading worth in Your sight, that no braids nor jewels can replace.

i am beautiful because You are.

if it could only be easier to love so much more with the Truth than with our own eyes. to love because we were first loved, to love because God, You made us like You, and not to love with just our eyes, but through Your eyes.

I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

framed

i spent a good part of yesterday night painting and attempting to draw on the desktop chest drawer set that i got awhile back from ikea but found no time to unleash thy fury of limited creativity. haha. but what a sense of finality, when i had finally begun to add colours to it. i've always had this notion - the day i finish doing something crazy to it is the day i'd feel a wee bit more complete and organized in my stationery life. haha. what stationery life? just can't tahan a messy table. one of the peeves :s organized stationery + filling in the daily planner makes me feel very satisfied, accomplished and organized. hahaha. but the point is that i loved life then, for its apparent slowness and lack of urgency in those dawdling moments, while i wiled away the evening and night, relishing solitariness - the lone brush - with slow jazz music perfusing every corner of the room. i felt Order.

pictures soon (: the backlighted photo of the evening sky from the post before this still trumps the rest. sweet. thanks you smelly kaya for your awesomeness in taking awe-full photos ;)

***

and i'm home from kampuchea-cambodia. it was an amazingly fulfilling slightly-over-a-week-long trip. so much to speak/share about and tell of. so many faith-building stories, humbling conversations and preciously few but treasured exciting adventures! but, words and language fails to give justice to this experience. it's an odd reality; this bittersweetness - a country so broken, this reversed progress of a nation. yet, it is juxtaposed with a people of quiet resolve and resilience, a fierce determination to overcome fuels their enterprising thrust and a thirst for a better and more fulfilling life. their gratitude and appreciation for the littlest things in life blows me away. a people with such warmth, sincerity and and incredibly open hearts. it's hard to tell that they've just stepped out of a tragedy - a people that once turned upon itself. and i wonder how does one make sense of a tragedy that cuts so deep? almost every person has lost a family member to the genocide. who do you believe? who can you trust? brother told on brother, sister told on sister. husbands on wives and wives on husbands. a nation struggling to stand on its two feet again, to attain self-sufficiency. but, it's a nation that needs God so, so much. so much striving - but there is rest in Jesus. to trust is to find rest.

i see Your Truth in their eyes

reflecting what the world cannot give

they're clouded by temporal reliefs

but there's just one thing: they need You

thieves and robbers may plunder and loot

but this faith in You is anchored

in Your solid Rock of Truth

that rust and moth cannot destroy and take away

these are your people

restore and heal this land

for Your mercies and glory to fall

they need Your touch

they need Your Truth

more than ever before

to be indelibly Yours

there's no greater love than Yours

there's no life

only in You

through You

Indelibly Yours/ min, jun 2009

tapestry

when i see the beauty of a sunset's glory

amazing artistry across the evening sky

when i feel the mystery of a distant galaxy

it awes and humbles me to be loved by a God so high

(:

"to love at all is to be vulnerable. love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to  no one, not even to an animal. wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable... the only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers... of love is Hell."

- C.S. Lewis/ The Four Leaves

Quiet Time

Alphabet and voice seem

inadequate speech for the soul.

how can mere word express

intent and regret,

heartbreak and hope,

prayer and praise?

i struggle to rest knowing that

You see my heart, Lord,

knowing all that i am and am not.

yet the unformed words sigh within.

then in Your Psalms i find You

speaking to me and for me,

laying bare my unfiltered heart

in Words of Living Truth,

and my soul has found its voice.

i found You in the Psalms 

and You found me.

- Everyday with Jesus/ Susan Lenzkes, 2008.

breathe in the summer goodness (:

it's all too easy to get caught up with feeling the bad vibes and neglect to acknowledge the good and happy ones that come our way. but you know what, life's too short to be moping and thinking about stuff that don't matter at the end of the day. being so old, the grand ol' of being 21 in a few good months, i surprise myself by holding on to the petty and most trivial things ever. but it's good - the honesty with myself and with the people whom i hold dear. even when it's stupid honesty or the let's-make-this-work kinda honesty. not hiding and being frank is healing. well, to heck with all the feeling bad and crappy and crummy. byebye crummy 'ol self. heeelllooooo awesome one! heh.