lazy eye

it was my 2nd trip down to the optician on friday. and there, were my suspicions confirmed. i have a lazy left eye. my vision doesn't seem to focus very well on faraway objects even with the newly prescribed pair of eyeglasses. it felt heavy. it wasn't a physical heaviness but it was more of how my vision's weighted, hence the tiredness. optician ang says that my lazy eye is slight and that it should be corrected with lots of early nights and a good and healthy diet with loads of vitamin A. methinks that i need to borrow my bro's GNC membership card. this lazy eye resulted from prolonged wearing of my old over-prescribed pair of glasses, and well my eye's gone a bit wonky along with it, coupled with late nights and inadequate eye rest. this amounted to a non-balanced vision, a non-balanced eyesight.

you know how people say that the eyes are the windows to one's soul? i think there's some truth to it. i hate to agree with cheesy cliches, but oh well. i can't disagree with this one. it's interesting to know that the micro things in life may be reflecting the bigger ones.

my eyes are wonky because i have a log in one of them. i see the speck in a brother's eye without seeing the log in my own.

i think God's been constantly drawing my attention to this particular issue a lot these days, so much so that i cannot deny His hands working, that i cannot say that it's a coincidence, that i cannot run away from. because it's all around me. but no matter how God draws me to attention, it's done lovingly. luanie's fortuitous email from south africa sharing about what i was struggling with, wendy's sermon, pastor's sermon, a talk with wendy and rudy, disciple class readings... and now the lazy eye.

it was and still is an extremely humbling experience. having been so bent on being correct and shining that big bright spotlight on that wrongdoing of someone else's, but in turn having that light spotlighted on my own soul, on issues that i thought i had buried and put to rest a long, long time ago. surrendering isn't easy. surrendering my rights is painful because i have stop controlling, to satisfy the need to be right and to stop holding on to the security that i've constructed out of self-sufficiency and out of the need to protect myself to stepping out, onto the water, holding on to faith, which is nothing that can be seen, only believed. but what is certain and never-changing is how God makes all things beautiful and good in His time. i'm still at this stage of figuring out, at the stage of wondering what's next. but i'll wait and trust. i'll obey. things that don't make sense to me will be made sensible.

i'm so drained from the thinking, i've been so tired the past few days. the baggage that i carry, the weight that i lug around with me. the ball and chains of my soul. i've been packing my days with too many activities and kept on going though there were some signs along the way that pointed in the direction of rest and evaluation. sometimes i don't know why i do the things i do, doing the things that i don't want to do more than doing the things that i know i should be doing. i've been so steeped in self-sufficiency and dependency that i'm no longer sensitive to God and His voice, like putting on a bad pair of spectacles for so long that i've conformed to it.

but it's enough. it's done enough damage. my vision's unclear but i want to tune You in. i want to see through Your eyes with clarity, without a log. i'm back at ground zero, again. but make me teachable and prostrate at Your feet.

"So I went down to the potter's house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him." - Jer 18:3-4