must watch.

growing is forever

hello you (:

yes, the blog's back up again. bigger and bad-der than ever. ha. i'm kidding. i've been reading through old entries and realized how much of a jaded person i've become, a tad bit more cynical about life and that led to some rather depressing posts. and i was afraid of how much i may have become a stumbling block, hence the decision to close it for a little while. 

many things have happened in recent months and it was definitely a period of transitions, decisions and adjusting, coping. as most of you already know, dad suffered a sudden stroke in the earlier part of the year and many changes took place at home. but truly, the Big Guy up there's watching over dad, 'coz he's recovering so well, so quickly that he's already back at work, working half-days. it cannot be attributed to anything less than that of a miracle, of God's mercies (: 

it occurred more jarringly to me that people leave us everyday... in a short span of a week, 4 friends of mine have suffered the loss of a loved one, grappling with the reality of those have gone before them. i see death. so close. so real. that i'm no longer feeling invincible because of my youth. when i look at dad, i cannot help but think, "it could've been daddy". the transience and the brevity of life. but having the reassurance that death is not an end but a beginning of a much fuller life with Jesus is a great comfort... but i'm just glad that dad, you're still here. i'm just glad that you're still telling me that you need the seat belt whenever i drive.

the day dad suffered his stroke was also the day i felt most exhausted. december had been a great flurry of activities both in church and at home. i was feeling stretched. and school began only 2 days later. and then more work, important decisions that i wrestled with and had to make, meetings, errands to run. it felt like a long 2008. this exhaustion followed me through and through. and well, led to all the depressing posts. 

but through it all, there was a light in the darkness that shone so brightly, giving hope to all the world, hope to all of us. and that is Jesus. it's incredible to behold, really, that as i look back at the long nights at the hospital, especially of the one spent outside the ICU, there was a peace and sense of calm that surpassed all understanding, guarding all our hearts. we trusted God for dad, to make all things good in His time, that He'd see us though. 

and He did. look at dad now (:

this blog post definitely serves as a reflection of sorts, of the long year that has passed. as i sat pondering about things for the last few days, reading through some old cringe-worthy posts which have been deleted or at least hidden somewhere, writing an essay on values and beliefs, God seems to be whispering ever so gently to me of how growing is forever, of how a tree will bear fruit after being pruned; that i have come a long way, from how i was lost to being found, to falling to running, and falling again, but ultimately always being picked up by His loving arms. of just being honest with Him.

growing is forever.

so yes, a new blogskin for a new start, for a "new" year (:

thank you too, to all who have come alongside my family and i to cheer us on, for praying and just being there. for family who gave strength through acts of service, and everyone at church - uncles and aunties, pastors and dearest friends who rallied around us in ways intangible and tangible. it would've been so much harder without you. thank you (:

helplessness has its way of paralyzing me

away you, into that small box

losing insight

it seems lately i've been getting caught up in myself

worried about how i am perceived

i'm going inward

thinking too much about myself

losing insight into others' pain

i look to You

and see a selflessness that confounds me

it's so different

from this selfishness that exists in me

You're so beautiful

take my heart

mould it to Yours

i wana be like You

my focus is getting me down

i'm comparing myself with my own friends

it's cutting me off from life 

from living what it means to be giving

i want to decide to love more

than desiring to be loved

thanks for Your patience, God

Your forgiveness is the thing that gets me out

i look to You

and see a selflessness that confounds me

it's so different

from this selfishness that exists in me

You're so beautiful

take my heart

mould it to Yours

i wana be like You

my God sweat blood for me onto the Cross so i might see

and know what it means to love

You're so beautiful

take my heart

mould it to Yours

i wana be like You

like You/ Sarah & Jonathan Otto

so caught up

i typed a whole chunk of words only to decide that they were ... in fact, they were so horribly whiny and accusatory. 

- sigh -

why, oh why.

i was just talking to shern and telling her that it's so difficult to just drop it all and run to God, into His arms. and she said it's just like running on a threadmill; you can't get off it unless someone pulls the plug. so true. and it's so strange why i think this way even after knowing that He holds the future in His hands and would want the best for me in every circumstance. yet, I still choose not to run to Him, but to chug on scuttling around, checking to-do lists, reading furiously. it seems as though my brain never rests. i go to bed with a million thoughts and i wake up feeling the same. sometimes feeling even more exhausted.

i felt afraid today. in fact, i've been feeling this way for the past coupla days because of school. i'm lagging behind. and there's ministry that i know i haven't put all my heart and effort into it. and now pressing decisions to make. all these, in spite of knowing that God is in control:

O you of little faith

see the sparrows in the sky

unencumbered by the cares of the world

I feed even them

clothe the lilies of the field

how much more to Me are you worth than these?

I gave My Son for you

- It's Alright/ Melissa Otto. 

adapted from Matthew 6: 25-34

like what eeleen said on her blog, i feel like throwing a kiddy tantrum with God, demanding that He'd do something good now and fill me up to the uttermost. 

i really need to drop it all. and run to Him.

really, i need to catch my breath.

and i'm such a bad decision maker. pfft.

i don't know - Lisa Hannigan

this is way cute! so honest, in a: this-is-me! kinda way. and just aiyo, cute. haha i wana sing a song like that one day too (:

I don't know what you smoke or what countries you've been to if you speak any other languages other than your own but I'd like to meet you I don't know if you drive if you love the ground beneath you I don't know if you write letters or panic on the phone still I'd like to call you all the same, if you want to, I am game.

I don't know if you can swim or if the sea has any draw for you if you're better in the morning or when the sun goes down I'd like to talk to you I don't know if you can dance if the thought ever occurred to you if you eat what you've been given or push it round your plate still I'd like to cook for you all the same, I would want to, I am game,

If you walk my way and I could keep my head we could creep away in the dark or maybe not, we could shoot it down anyway.
[ Lisa Hannigan Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ] 

I don't know if you read novels or the magazines if you love the hand that feeds you I assume that your heart's been bruised I know I'd like to know you you don't know if I can draw at all or what records I am into if I sleep like a spoon or rarely at all or maybe you would do? maybe you would do

if I walk your way I will keep my head we will feel our way through the dark though I don't know you I think that I would do I don't fall easy at all

inertia

it's been awhile since i've been back to this korner of cyberspace. yea, i do miss blogging. it's definitely one of the most therapeutic therapies that i put myself through to achieve a cathartic effect. or maybe not so cathartic.  not that extreme, i reckon.  so much has happened within the past 2 months. a whole whirlwind of events. was just tellin' Wei about all that's heaped in front of me. so much to surrender in prayer for.. it's scary to see how things that need to be done just pile up, like that. like *snap* and there they are...

inertia. is definitely present.

ah well. 

time has got to go slower! futile.

May people smell the fragrance of our lives and praise God for it :)