Waiting

"[M]y dear friend Frank Murray, an elder brother to me in the Lord, said regarding a matter we had prayed about, 'It is a mistake to measure such things by introspection. He heard and answered. That is all there is to it. Let the answer be manifested in His own time and way.'"

- Elisabeth Elliot, 'The Path of Loneliness'

***

In waiting, grow me.

i need Your assurance to let me know that everything's gonna be okay.

standing on Your promises!

amen!! (:

[for all of God's precious daughters (sons too!) - loved & cherished]

fishforpeople.net

Heavy-hearted

):

Haste not;
Pine not.

Ecclesiastes 3:11/ proverbs 15:17

prayer

tonight, i give thanks, for an answered prayer.

i type this with a full heart not because God has given everything i've always wanted but because He's showed me the greater gift and satisfaction of what it means to share in His joy of a lost and broken heart finding & turning to Him.

tonight, i give thanks for my sister (: i give thanks for the breakthrough in her life. i remember sitting at her table many months ago crying and praying that God would come and sweep through her life, for God to overwhelm her, to encounter her, for deep healing and joy to come... for restoration. and He did just that.

today, she's on the verge of graduating from Trackers, living in His love for her.

(: greater things have yet to come

i'm so much more than the way you make me feel

just because

(: so handsome

surrender

" Journey deeper into the heart of God:

He calls us to a joyous surrender -- sometimes its painful, sometimes it's joyful;

it's what we receive that's so much greater."

- matt maher

***

Oh pearl of greatest price

No act of sacrifice

Can match the gift of life I find within Your gaze

Oh, what a sweet exchange

I die to rise again

Lifted up from the grave into Your hands of grace

***

Our Father, who art in Heaven
Hallowed be thy name
Come and let Your glory,
Come and let Your glory fall.

Our Father, who art in Heaven
The rocks cry out Your fame
Come and let Your glory,
Come and let Your glory fall.

I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song to the Lord

Let your kingdom come
Let your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Every eye proclaim
The mercy of Your name
On earth as it is in heaven.

God give us new every morning
Mercy his daily bread
In the name of Jesus
In the name of Jesus we pray

And lead us, not to temptation
But deliver us with Your hand
In the name of Jesus
In the name of Jesus we pray
Father we pray

Let your kingdom come
Let your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Every eye proclaim
The mercy of Your name
On earth as it is in heaven.

For the kingdom is yours
And the power is yours

discipline

"God has given us the Disciplines of the spiritual life as a means of receiving His grace. The Disciplines allow us to place ourselves before God so that he can transform us."

- Celebration of Discipline, Richard Foster

quieter love

"Being in love is a good thing, but not the best thing... it is a noble feeling, but it still a feeling. Now, no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all... in fact, the state of being in love usually does not last... but of course ceasing to be 'in love' need not mean ceasing to love.

Love is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace which both partners ask and receive from God... they can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be 'in love' with someone else.

being in love first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables to keep their promise. it is on this love that the entire engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it."

- Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis.

hard - pressed

"Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds." - John 12:24

"to live is Christ, and to die is gain." - Philippians 1:21

surrendering the things that you hold closest to your heart is often the most difficult thing to do. but i trust that God makes all things perfect and that He has the best-est plans for me. i will trust.

and i've learnt that trusting is not just an utterance from our lips, or from our hearts, but it's an act of our will. this act of will conditions our focus and from it births discipline and healthy habits.

freed

i needed to pen this down before going to bed:

i feel so overwhelmed by God tonight, and it's in a really good way. thank You (:

there's been a breakthrough of sorts and a quiet liberation accompanies it; i feel like i'm gradually breaking free of an old self with crippling habits of comparison and that toxic sense of too much introspection.

it may be startling for some to hear (or read) this but i'm learning to be myself. i've always been me but there has always been a constant striving to be like somebody else because i deem them as better/successful, and also because the world/parents/important people in my life think that way too, and it tired me out so much, it was horrible.

i beat myself up for not being as caring or not knowing how to care well, for not writing as well, for not having a good analytical mind, for not being godly a certain way or for not knowing how to be a good conversationalist and respond with witty remarks etc. (or so i thought). in some sense, i think i really hated myself for not measuring up or being good enough. i compared myself to good and close friends around me and that took a toll on my friendships because i stopped loving them. instead, i grew to envy and fear their successes... but most of all, i was acutely aware and fearful of my lack. the comparison only made me feel worse. i would think of: "... oh if XXX were here, she'd do it this way and i should learn to do that" or "if only i'm XXX, i'd know how to respond to this situation better." lots of self-deprecating thoughts accompanied the above too. i guess what made the entire experience worse were less-than-encouraging words from people who matter.

my self-esteem hasn't always been super great - although i think i'm really good at masking that - but the last year, especially, left it all bruised and fragile. i felt completely unworthy and unlovely because of all the comparing... i struggled with that so much. i had failed to realize my unique worth. everyday, i'd ask God to show me how much He loves me so that i could feel somewhat better. i was actually quite desperate. haha. i know my worth is in Christ but understanding it and being so deeply and firmly convicted is quite another level altogether.

on hindsight, this process of pain and brokenness that God allowed me to go through was a necessary one because it tired me out to show me the pointlessness of striving to be someone else whom God has never intended me to be; it made me see the importance of being comfortable in my own skin. someone once said: "stop comparing and it'd free you to be the person whom God has intended you to be", and i can't agree more.

be faithful in being teachable.

i really thank God for doing something in my heart, for causing a change - a transformation to take place that i no longer feel the way i do. in stopping myself from comparing myself with others, i'm protecting my heart from being trampled upon and i'm really helping it to grow more healthily.

God's brought me to a really comforting realization that when i'm comfortable being me, it frees not just me, but the people around me to feel comfortable too, to be free to be themselves without the fear of being judged. being comfortable with myself and the complete cutting out of comparison also means that i become someone more pleasant to be around with because that toxic sense of self is no more. comparison is sooo poisonous and i cannot stress that enough. being comfortable with myself isn't a blindsiding of my flaws but it is the acknowledgement of them all yet trusting that God is a perfect Potter and He truly makes all things beautiful in His time. most of all, He's made me, me, with a combination of traits and qualities that others may not have and it is through those that He's intended for me to use to serve and love.

mm, i feel a lot happier/lighter these days although i still battle against negative thoughts that come my way. i have to say that it's really never easy - taking my thoughts captive - but i know i have to for the sake of transformation, for the sake of living in the freedom God intends for me, for the sake of my relationships, for precious loved ones.

throughout this whole period, prayer has become so precious. it was what that gave birth to this breakthrough. for a long time, i'd just been praying and praying and praying, and because of that, i see God's hands moving in other aspects of my life - in my relationships/friendships and in the way i view life. i've become so convicted by the essentiality of prayer. it's not that i've never realized it before, but it's become so much more precious to me now, so much so that it's become an automatic response to everything. whenever i find myself focusing too much on myself or when i start throwing myself a pity party, i say a prayer and that takes the focus and the pressure off of myself and my gaze onto God instead. what a wonderful change of mindset that brings (:

with a God so BIG, whose business is to transform, redeem and breathe life, i'm freed - yes past tense coz it's already done, FREED - to live, with a renewed sense of confidence and joy in my heart. (:

God knows how prideful I am/can get that He keeps me humbled.

morning pleasures

grilled cheese toast + scrambled eggs + strawberry yoghurt

i had a little bit more time to make breakfast this morning, and so i set out on a culinary venture to make the above! (: the initial plan was to cook tomatoes (so that i've smth healthy on my plate too, haha)over the pan but i found a secret stash... of strawberries in the corner of the fridge. oo, what delight (: and there was yoghurt too; so, there's a perfect pairing.

there's just something calming about (slow) mornings: the sunlight, the freshness; newness, the peace and quiet... i really relish that. one of my best breakfast(brunch) experiences was when kev, shern, ian and i went to Rider's Cafe. it's such a quaint and lovely place (: the cafe overlooks the stables and if you're lucky, you'd get to see riders and their horses trotting by window. i can't wait to go back there! but for now, i'm looking forward to checking out Loewen Gardens Farmer's Market on a nice saturday morning with the boy and some friends, hopefully with his new dslr in tow (: