so inspired

i really want to go for this conference. this is what i think God is speaking to me about.

all over the place

i've started to censor what i write so much so that i've got a about a million drafts that aren't published. i've become so careful with the words i put out there for the world to read. it's a good and a bad thing really. i wonder if i've lost a bit of myself in the censoring. but i'm not going to bother to do so tonight because i need an outlet.

the thesis is killing me. omg. i have no words to describe my frustration and state of inertia. so much lack of agency.

***

i like to think that i'm able to perhaps encourage someone with what i write - both the joys and the pits of life. but somehow, i've seemed to lost that.

ack. dreary days should get kicked in the butt. today's one of those days where i sit and mope about my inabilities and fear losing things and people who matter to me. how has identification of the intangibles become so intangible? every time this happens, my heart feels like it's getting squashed with life slowly ebbing and trickling out of it. it's a feeling of dread. all i want is for someone to pick me up, hug me and remind me about the good things. "Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up with strings, these are a few of my favorite things. When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I'm feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things and i don't feel so bad." but there are moments when i can't think of my favourite things... sometimes i think about how much i've given and how i've put myself out there to love by being vulnerable and wonder if it's really worth it. what's wrong with me? i'm being human. being here and having time on my hands made me think a lot, though sometimes into overdrive. so many questions but still figuring out the answers. it doesn't really help when i can't think straight sometimes. i want to see the light at the end of the tunnel whenever i feel like i'm sinking into introspection. think God has been revealing a lot about Himself to me and challenging me to grow and to mature. but it's been difficult because pruning is painful. identifying new emotions. finding answers and solutions in Him. He's doing something new in my life and i don't quite know what... except that it's about the way i think. and connecting my mind and my heart and from there, gain a new lease of life. speaking of which, i have a draft somewhere about that. should probably work on it and develop this train of thought.

why literature?

full-time or teach?

why vice-chair?

what can i do? or what i cannot do; God, You can.

why lulea? why this environment?

so hard on myself.

"Word of God speak.
Would you pour down like rain.
Washing my eyes to see Your Majesty.
To be still and know that You're in this place.
Please let me stay and rest in your Holiness.
Word of God speak"

word of God speak/ mercy

learning to stand by Your grace

confidence in what You've filled me with

***

i just want to get this done and over with so that i can go do all the things that i really wanna do and say goodbye to my friends here. i think i'll come to miss lulea. gonna miss friends and definitely my sprawling and spacious crib in chateau vaderleden (we christened it with home-made wine, thanks to the french gang) and well the slowness of it all. never thought i'd feel that way but i think i will. then again, i miss home so much. i teared when i saw pictures of sg's skyline. no kidding.

but before that, i'm gonna conquer europe before bidding goodbye to this beautiful continent. who knows when i'll ever get an opportunity to europe-trot again, right? although i must admit that i am really quite freaked out about traveling alone ): it will be a great experience but i hope i won't end up like a hermit, camping in my hostel all the time and not venturing out because i'm scared to death that i'll be targeted by pickpockets and mugged or smth. and i'll only reach dresden at 9+pm at night and have to find my way to the hostel. Lord, pls keep me safe and don't let it rain too. sigh. these are legitimate reasons to be concerned about my wellbeing while traveling alone. a girl, traveling alone in europe. what was i even thinking?? but hey, plans have already been made. i'll just have to keep both my eyes wide open and be really alert. sigh. God, is it possible to ask for a travel companion? i feel so vulnerable.

***

at the end of the day, loving God is the single most difficult and yet, greatest calling that every Christian can and should live up to. but finding that courage in God to do so and to do it out of love is takes everything, over and beyond what you can ever give. and that is why we need God.

***

aarrggghhhhh. frustration.

***

brain, brain, brain, why are you doing this to me? ):

letter to Zac

"I am specifically talking to you about your relationship with God and your outlook on humanity... the time on earth is so short for humans and for us, it's even shorter.

I want to teach you two things in light of this: first, you need to recognize that God has given you many different gifts and talents and abilities. you are able to do much in the way you have been wired up as unique. the Bible in 1 Corinthians 3 says that "we will be judged according to our works one day. if our works were like wood or straw or hay, we are told we will suffer loss; if our works were like gold or silver or precious stones, we will be rewarded." I want to be rewarded and so do you.

you have been given much and it will be tempting as you go off to college to your independence to squander your opportunities. you will be tempted to hide who you are, what you believe, even the fact that you believe in God... we can rest when we get to heaven, now is the time to get to work and put into practice what we believe. I am desperately trying to finish well but if i can teach you anything, it would be to start right now. as you are at 17 years old, seek God and obey Him.

the second thing i wanna teach you is how you can practically put this into play. you must break your heart for the people around you. you must love them. you must be passionate about them.

John the apostle said in his first letter says: "beloved, let us love one another for love is from God and whoever loves, is born of God and knows God. anyone who does not love does not know God because God is love."

the very real tangible way to love God is to show that love to other people. you're going to live in a variety of different cities and states. you're going to travel to some fantastic places around the world and you're going to meet many, many people. keep this at the forefront of your mind: love them and show them the way to Jesus.

you will be faced with many struggles in this life. my encouragement is that you pick the harder path. you will be more like Christ and your character will develop. pick the harder path. you will meet and interact with so many different people. try to learn something from each and everyone of them. it is not an accident that you've met them and desperately try to leave each of them better off than when you first met them."

desperately pursue God and use the gifts He has given you and desperately pursue the people around you and love them."

my day in pictures (:

glorious summer

walking home from school never felt better!

natalia & chloe

giving thanks for newfound friendships (:

horsing around; being a kid again (:

dinner at a mexican restaurant!

the fajitas were so good that i forgot to take a picture of it!

so here's the dessert. haha

(: ♥

because i love coming home to you

and the packet full of love!!!

reeks of love really, my desk smells of you now. haha

LOVE IT!

***

giving thanks.

one of those days

for some God-perspectives

r.i.p?

i am looking at my reeeeaally old, passed-down, trusty swiss polo hand carry luggage with such... guilt. the airlines broke my trolley handle but it's fine otherwise. should i dump it? mum says yes, dad says up to me. upon further pondering, i concur that there's no way that i'll be able to drag 1 ginormous trolley bag, carry another 8kg one in hand while traveling for the whole of june, with a medium-sized backpack on top of that.

i feel guilty every time i look at it. its feisty red is burning holes into the side of my head. (it is sitting on my left)

guilt, guilt, guilt!

should i... lay it to rest?

ah hah! i got it! the local RED CROSS! i shall give it away (: thanks blog for helping me think-write. xoxo

joy; soak it all in

it's a beautiful, lazy spring saturday morning. the kind that's equivalent to lying on the sun bed without a care in the world, with every worry and care chucked out of sight, out of mind. enjoying the cool breeze, taking in the quietness of the surroundings -sigh- so comfortable. i hear the birds chirping, the laughter of the kids at the playground. sunshine pouring through my wide open window, splashing hues of yellow on the floor. the quietness, calmness of it all. peace.

i'm in a good place (: what a wonderful feeling. thank You Jesus (:

i suppose the weather influences my mood a lot. serotonin in action! sunshine and chirpy sounds does wonders.

let it last.

happy today (:

comfort, in His beautifully marred hands

child, trust Me

as minute succeeds minute

let each day be a daily surrender

let Me catch you when you fall

secure in My marred hands

please Me

let Me love you

rest; lay to rest all your strivings

to know and to always remember

that you're wonderfully and fearfully made

embrace you

you're loved

therefore, love

know that My plans for you are good and perfect

the best, just and only for you

sing in every season

write and remember

the scars of hurts

faith in affliction

the joy of a healed and hopeful heart

My marred hands holding you

never will I leave you at all

drink deep

laugh

trust

hope

be present

be joyful

be grateful

live unbridled

rejoice

***

a sweet refreshing

the way strawberries are;

like summer in my mouth (:

the sweetest thing

once a upon a time

i met a boy at a thanksgiving dinner

he was tall and armed with a camera phone
he tagged a video of me

and we became friends on facebook
i told him a joke

and we added each other on msn
we've been talking ever since
september 2008, maybe.
then he got posted to my church as an intern

that was january '09

and started sitting in in all our youth meetings

serendipitous (:
he saw more of me
and i saw more of him
we started texting
time passed
and we were still talking almost everyday

september 2009
our first fight as friends

ymlc - significant

God did something in our hearts

our perspectives changed
and it began
october 2009
he asked me out on study dates

and finally, on a dinner date (:

hours long phone calls late into the night

more dates & surprises - literally - followed (:

he said 'I love you'

and i did too

"it's a sweet, sweet thing

standing here with you and nothing to hide"

we waited 'til it was right

"the more you love God, the more you'll learn to love others"

and a letter from a beloved mentor:

"for if the willingness [to obey] is there,

the gift is acceptable according to what one has,

not according to what he does not have."

- 2 cor 8:13

on that fateful day

you held my hand in yours - cheeky!

but i like (:

and we made it official

on the 4th of december 2009

blessed with blessings from all around

friends, family & loved ones

our promise rings - 1 john 4:19

to love God first and love God most

the 25th - kairos, you'd said (:

i left for sweden in january of 2010

lots of prayers

lots of heartaches

many nights and days spent with a tear-stained pillow

but love is patient; it always hopes, perseveres, protects and trusts

fast forward; may 2010

we celebrate 5 months of love&gratefulness
blissfully in love

although we're almost 9,500km apart
thankful to the Author who wrote each page of our lives before it came into being
to have and to hold from this day forward

only 50 more days apart.

a lifetime to love; laugh and struggle, together

i ♥ you, ian lee (:

***

i wrote this because i miss you a lot

and i hope it made you smile (:

there's so much to be thankful for

although all that's ahead may be uncertain

but it's God who holds our hands and future in His unfailing love

that is hope

our future, secured.

***

love

strength

Becoming Like Jesus Is a Slow Process by Rick Warren

This will continue until we are . . . mature, just as Christ is, and we will be completely like him. Ephesians 4:13 (CEV)

Becoming like Christ is a long, slow process of growth. Spiritual maturity is neither instant nor automatic; it is a gradual, progressive development that will take the rest of your life.Referring to this process, Paul said, "This will continue until we are . . . mature, just as Christ is, and we will be completely like him." (Ephesians 4:13 CEV)

You are a work in progress. Your spiritual transformation in developing the character of Jesus will take the rest of your life, and even then it won't be completed here on earth. It will only be finished when you get to heaven or when Jesus returns.At that point, whatever unfinished work on your character is left will be wrapped up.

The Bible says that when we are finally able to see Jesus perfectly, we will become perfectly like him: "We can't even imagine what we will be like when Christ returns. But we do know that when he comes we will be like him, for we will see him as he really is." (1 John 3:2 NLT)

Much confusion in the Christian life comes from ignoring the simple truth that God is far more interested in building your character than he is anything else. We worry when God seems silent on specific issues such as "What career should I choose?"The truth is, there are many different careers that could be in God's will for your life. What God cares about most is that whatever you do, you do in a Christlike manner. (1 Corinthians 10:31; 1 Corinthians 16:14; Colossians 3:17, 23)

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."

"Let all that you do be done in love."

"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him... Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men."

God is far more interested in who you are than in what you do. We are human beings, not human doings. God is much more concerned about your character than your career, because you will take your character into eternity, but not your career.

The Bible warns, "Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. . . . Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you." (Romans 12:2 MSG)

You must make a counterculture decision to focus on becoming more like Jesus. Otherwise, other forces like peers, parents, co-workers, and culture will try to mold you into their image.

Sadly, a quick review of many popular Christian books reveals that many believers have abandoned living for God's great purposes and settled for personal fulfillment and emotional stability. That is narcissism, not discipleship.

Jesus did not die on the cross just so we could live comfortable, well-adjusted lives. His purpose is far deeper: he wants to make us like himself before he takes us to heaven. This is our greatest privilege, our immediate responsibility, and our ultimate destiny.

"food for thought" at north bridge

"2 chefs" at tanglin

"one caramel" beside cathay

"p.s. cafe" at dempsey

stronger

i sat in bed to talk to God this morning, but before i could utter a single word, i cried. for a long time. i had no idea how or why the tears came. it then dawned on me that i'm hurting and i'm longing for home, to be in my Father's house. it's so hard to stand up for what's right and perhaps the sinking feeling of being misunderstood. i feel alone. but who else but Jesus who knows that feeling best? misunderstood and crucified, alone in the darkest hours of His life.

though my flesh is weak and my heart may fail, i know that God, You're the portion and the strength of my heart forever. You will deliver me.

i'm holding on to You.

life

lake district, windemere, UK - march '10

blue skies

fluffy clouds

glistening lakes

rolling green hills

sunshine

glorious

"Jesus' statement, 'do not judge' [matt 7:1], is against the hypocritical, judgmental attitude that tears others down in order to build oneself up. it is not a blanket statement against all critical thinking, but a call to be discerning rather than negative." - life application bible NIV

wow

warning: [explicit language]

I am a Christian. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for the way that I come across
So fair and faith friendly and full of myself
Judging your spiritual health by the words that you say
And the way that you dress, and the things that you do
Or maybe just judging you.

I’m sorry for the way that I live my life
So confident of my own beliefs that
I would never even think to think about thinking about yours

I’m sorry for the wars.
Ivory clad Crusaders mounting steeds and drawing swords
With such a spirit that if The Spirit spoke they wouldn’t hear
But you see the sword of the spirit was not a sword but the Word
And the Word was with God and the Word was God
And they preached this as they marched on the Holy Land
Singing and Praying and Killing and Slaying
And purging and healing and raping and stealing
It’s ironic that they lined there pockets in the name of God
Just like the priests who line their pockets in the name of God
Just like the people that you can’t stand, because they always raise their hand
And spread their faith and hate and judgment in the name of God

I’m sorry that I take God’s name in vain
Or rather I’m sorry that I stain the name of God
Defending my selfish actions as selfless actions pertaining to the will of God

I’m sorry for being intolerant
For trying to talk down to you
For trying to talk over you
For not letting you talk

I’m sorry for not walking the walk
For being a hypocritical critical Christian
Criticizing your pagan lifestyle while my lifestyle styles itself
Just like the televangelist’s hair
All slick and sly and slippery
As the silver syllables slide their way into your ear

But see that’s my greatest fear
That the steps I take won’t match the words I speak
So that when I speak all you hear of me
is a weak hypocritical critical Christian
Doing one thing, but saying another
Loving my friend, but hating my brother
It’s a show.

I’m sorry I get drunk on Saturdays
and go to church on Sundays to pray
for my friends who get drunk on Saturdays

And on that note,
I’m sorry for making the church about the pews and the cross
And the walls and the steeple
Because see the building is not the church
The church is the people

I’m sorry that I hate you because you are gay
I’m sorry I condemn you to hell because you are gay
Instead of loving I jump to hatred
Mouth open and tongue preaching
Eyes open but not seeing that you are the same as me
Just a fucking human being

I’m sorry that I only hang out with Christian friends
And we do nice Christian things
Like pot luck dinners and board game nights
While in the night a man beats his girlfriend again
Another homeless man died again
Is this the way that my own crowd has been?
But here I am with the same friends again
But see what I always forget is that Jesus didn’t come
to hang out with the priests and the lords.
No, He hung out with cripples and beggars and whores

Love

I’m sorry for history
For native tribes wiped out in the name of the church
Lodges burning Stomachs churning and yearning for justice
And mothers screaming and pleading
Pleading for the young ones
As they are dragged away to church schools
Where they were abused
I’m sorry for the way that I refused
To learn your culture
Instead I just came to spread the Gospel
And the plague

I’m sorry that I stand at the front doors of abortion clinics
Screaming at 15 year old girls as they enter
Instead of waiting at the back door to hug them as they leave

I’m sorry for taking my wars and my faith to your lands
When historically it was on your lands that my faith was born
And in the face of the storm, I realize that
If God is Love and Love is God
Then why are we shooting instead of sharing?
Why are we launching instead of learning?
Why are we warring instead of walking together?
Why are we taking instead of talking together?
Why are we bombing instead of breaking bread together as brothers?

You see I think that God looks down and He’s sad
And from His right hand throne above
Jesus asks where is the Love?
And if it takes Wil-I-Am and Justin Timberlake
Asking that same question for us
To start asking that same question
Then where the fuck are we headed?

So I will take this stage to be my chapel
And this mic my confession booth
And in the presence of God, the few, the proud,
and the blessed I confess, that
I am a Christian. I’m sorry.

loss

i've just done one of the hardest things i've to do in this lifetime - tell a friend that i disagree with what she's doing and that she needs to do something about it. i'm trying so hard to make it work. for a huge portion of love and gentleness. i tried to be happy with and for her but i couldn't. was i too harsh? tough love. this, at the price of potentially losing a friendship. let it be the right move. God, please let it be. this hurts. yet Lord, You're the Author of our lives and You wrote each page before it came into being; reign sovereign. trust.