yearning

these days, i find myself yearning for a real connection; for something more. something intangible in physical measurement but immeasurable in being soul-full. somehow, amidst the good things that have taken place, i catch myself hungering for more to fill my spirit. more than ever, i want to know His character and His heart. i'm certain He heard those prayers coz a dear friend bought me a book entitled "Cultivating the Heart of the Worship Leader, to Know You More" by Andy Park. i'm excited to read it and i'm expectant of a renewing of my spirit, a renewing of my heart and mind.

think i've somehow lost touch with some dear ones and i confess that i kinda miss them... sigh. suddenly i feel like my friends are poofing away! booo... it's heartbreaking when you give your all to building a friendship only to realize that your friend isn't putting in as much effort. more often than not, i find myself in that rut. i think i give my heart away too easily, but i can't help it. oh well. Jesus gave His heart so willingly and unconditionally, but we take it for granted in all possible ways.. that being said, i suppose i can't expect so much.

His love so lavish, it breaks my heart.

finally

sweetness, pure sweetness...

ah, there is just so much to give thanks for. where should i even begin? the holidays so far, have been most gratifying and rest-full. what better way to end the last semester and kick-start a new one, huh? (:  a summer break sprinkled with mini-getaways, great company and do-whatever-i-want/like-afternoons, more time at home with the rest of the yeesters, gigs with trusted & like-minded friends, catching-up sessions, doing more in ministry, shopping sprees, hanging out.. and the list goes on.

apart from blessings like these, God truly satisfied the desires of my heart this holiday... my grades this time around came as a surprise because they were better than expected and there was a marked improvement from sem 1. i really believed that i might not make it because i thought i had messed up one of the papers. besides, some essays written during term time weren't too well done and they made up 50% of my total grade. nevertheless, His grace abounds! (: 

and by His grace, i've finally conquered the tokyo drift test! whoopee!! ((: oh man, God knows how hard-earned this license is ... that coveted plastic thing ... 

a great sense of relief swept over me when my tester ticked the "pass" box on my test slip. it was a sense of finality, that i've FINALLY made it ... ah, sweet victory. the roads that day were actually clear. it was rather surprising coz it was littered with obstructions the day before, when i had my final revision lesson. thank God for a cheery and amiable tester too. sigh, really couldn't have asked for more (:

all these feels surreal. driving my dad's car seems surreal. i can't believe that it's finally here, it's finally mine, that i've finally, actually made it. it's almost like traversing in a good dream. 

but, it's not! ahahahaha (:

ahh, being able to drive isn't just a skill, it's a privilege. my best foot forward, literally.

i'm so thankful for family and friends who have come alongside me to encourage and support; for all the prayers and smses (: you guys have been the best! thank you so much! (:

i think i see the light at the end of the tunnel now. i think i really would've taken my license for granted without the failures, tears and hard work... knowing how complacent i can get sometimes. like every other trial, there's always smth to be learnt. not only were my driving skills be tested, my faith too, was under fire. kinda sucks to know that my faith is so weak. only able to praise God when everything's nice and dandy but unable to do the same when things are bleak. 

but like what CS wrote on his blog: " better things are in store for me as i go through these failures, things that thieves cannot steal and moth and rust cannot destroy. Perhaps, its a stronger heart, perhaps its greater dependence on Him." 

a greater dependance.. (:

for everything there is a season

in every season a plan

in every plan a reason

that only time will help us understand

thank You (:

i want to be a good and safe driver. i can't do it alone so please help me be accountable! (:

assurance

thanks shern for sharing this with me (:

for everything there is a season
for every season is a plan
for every plan a reason
that time will help us understand

win, we praise, lose we praise (:

in the distance

for the words to flow again

to pick up the pen..

to write in her book

Jesus..

hold my hand.

in sweet surrender

with words

winter ails and

springtime pass.

summer fades

when autumn hails.

what's meant to be, will come to pass.

it was most definitely a timely reminder.

come tomorrow will be my first revision lesson since the last driving test. i have been mulling over it for the past couple of days. i won't deny that i'm afraid to try again, that i'm most afraid of failing. all over again. 

discouraged and disillusioned, i was. but God does work in the most timely and wonderfully comforting way. i haven't been reading my purpose driven daily devotionals for a short while (oops..) but i did so today and went back to the day where i last stopped. the title for that day read: Resisting Discouragement. 

Resist Discouragement
by Rick Warren

You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, “He who is coming will come and will not delay.” Hebrews 10:36-37 (NIV)

*** *** *** ***

If you’re discouraged because of God’s delay in answering your prayers, understand the delay is NOT a denial. Just because the answer or the miracle hasn’t come – yet – that doesn’t mean God isn’t going to answer, or that he’s forgotten you, or that he doesn’t care about you. It simply means “not yet!”

Spiritual maturity is knowing the difference between “No” and “Not yet,” between a denial and a delay. The Bible tells us, “He who is coming will come and will not delay” (Hebrews 10:37 NIV).

The delay may be a test of your patience. Anybody can be patient once. And, anybody can be patient twice. And, just about anybody can be patient three times. So God tests you patience over and over and over.

Why? To see how patient you are?

No, he does it to show you how patient you are. So you’ll know what’s inside of you, and you’ll be able to know your level of commitment. God tests you so that you can know he is faithful, even if the answers you seek are delayed.

If you’re discouraged, turn it around by remembering God teaches you patience during delay. Ask him to transform your discouragement into patience.

You may be going through difficult times right now and feel like dropping off the planet. You’re discouraged because the situation you face seems unmanageable, unreasonable, or unfair.

It may seem unbearable and inside you’re basically saying, “God, I can’t take it anymore. I just can’t take it anymore!”

But you can.

You can stay with it longer because God is with you. He’ll enable you to press on. Remember, you are never a failure until you quit.

Don’t quit. Resist discouragement and finish the race God has set before you.

© 2008 Purpose Driven Life. All rights reserved.  how apt, how true. i suppose it's easy to magnify what's bad and fail to  put things into perspective; to look for the good in the bad, to make the  most of the situation. i choose what i feel and yeah, being discouraged  doesn't help turn anything around except make me feel worse. so i'm  gonna (try) stop feeling so discouraged (: but i think this isn't just  limited to driving, but to other things as well. the last couple of days  have been rough in some other ways but i suppose not giving up is  key.. to try and make things work. thank You (:

special shoutout! (:

Yuming passed her driving test today! woohoo! (((((: babe, if you're reading this, i just wanna tell you how very very very very happy and excited i am for you! (: celebrations and congratulations! perhaps, by now, you'd have realized that it's time too, for you to drive us all around. muahahahaaha :P i'm sure i'll feel extremely safe in your car. haha. enjoy the sweet victory of passing! (: you've worked hard for this! thank God tooooooo (:

seasons

'tis winter.
summer joys and
autumn hues;
springtime singing
lost to ills

limbo

i love, love, absolutely love to sing and make music. but i've been told since i was young that singin' and music ain't gonna get you nowhere. sometimes i feel so torn between my aspirations and practicality. to live the dream. yeah, i'd like that very much. but it takes guts and so many other factors to do so. i believe that all that i'm blessed with is for a reason. i'd like to use it for something better, something good but i don't know how. a good musician should know what he/she wants and what/how they're gonna get there. but in all honesty, i don't.

so, where do i go from here?

Father, will You tell me how?

i feel pissed and i don't even know why.