and i asked myself how i'm going to get through another 3 years.
no answer
and i asked God how i'm going to get through another 3 years.
My grace.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
the quiet yet steady confidence
Intimidation not about life in general, but intimidation faced in school.
Sitting down and chatting over lunch with some friends in school today made me realize how real this issue is amongst everyone of us. My dear friends are losing faith in themselves. we're getting intimidated by people whom we deem as smart. To quote a friend: "I wasn't even like that in the past. but as of now, self confidence is 0, esteem is 0. I don't even dare to speak up in class anymore." (speaking up in class earns us class participation points which takes up 10% of our final grade. very crucial especially since tutorial lessons are crafted in such a way that encourages tutor-student interaction. sadly, it's a singaporean thing to speak up less..)
We've become so fearful of what people think of what we say. The fear of appearing silly, the fear of being critiqued and having nothing to say in defense of ourselves.. the vulnerability of not having answers. But I suppose the pressure is greater in my tutorial class 'coz the smarties are here. man, you should've seen what kanjiong spiders we all were before every presentation.
i digress: i wonder if these people KNOW that they're intimidating? if they do, do they derive some sense of sardonic glee in watchin us squirm in our seats? hahaha. being overly-analytical. BUT so possible! in any way, they're definitely positive influences 'coz you feel the motivation to catch up with them, to be on par. But, there's always the other end of the spectrum - taking the pressure negatively and start feeling all dejected.
this got me thinking. Why are we allowing ourselves to feel that way? why do we allow ourselves to be intimidated by people like that? silly things to do, don't you think? and yet at the same time, it's definitely something very real and not to be swept under the carpet. all of us have battled with thoughts like these at one point or another. feeling stupid and blah.i suppose that it's only human to feel this way, to feel underpowered and inadequate for tasks, and that our best doesn't seem to be enough.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and He will make your paths straight." - prov 3:5-6
Perhaps, this is why and how Christians are different. The quiet confidence that we have in God, trusting and depending on Him that He will make everything right, that everything will ultimately be okay. but of course, we work hard for what we want... no such thing as a free munch in the world right? but of course, we don't trust God all the time. Times of falling into disbelief.
2 Tim 1:7 says: For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of a sound mind.
"if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives to all men generously and without reproaching, and it will be given to him." - James 1:5
these are the verses i hold on whenever i feel stupid, not-confident, inadequate. to hold fast to its promises. reminds me that i'm not stupid, at all. and knowing that i have no lack of wisdom and of knowledge fascinates me to no end. fears of being not good enough in school, fears of not doing well, this is what sustains me, what brings me hope.
to do my best and God does the rest.
quoting Nana: "think as christians, we always give our problems to God, only to take it back." how true... if only we could all lay hold of all of God's promises and to really let go and let live. that of course, requires faith. to have faith always is hard especially when the world we live in demands fact after fact to substantiate our claims. but faith... is faith:" it is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see". - Hebrews 11:1. so absolutely contrary to what the world says: seeing is believing. but really, let's think about the future. nobody is certain about the future, we can all work hard towards a certain goal, but for it to turn out well requires some bit of faith too right?
and as a dear, sweet friend, Jane, always says with such child-like wonder and faith: "God will bless us! We must first do our best believe that God will make it happen!"
laying hold of His promises.
that's what i'm going to do.
faith stretching!
i guess all these alludes to the bigger picture of life. of living life more fully and investing our time into worthwhile things and causes. living life confidently, without fear, which really doesn't discount the bad stuff that happens. but to make lemonade of out of lemon juice.
to a full life! (:
geez, i sound like an old lady talking. i'm not even 20 lah...
this is terrible, i keep saying so much, and one thing leads to another, i'll NEVER end my blog post! this is a lousy example of modernist writing (i learnt this fact in class) since it shows the stream of consciousness, the rambling on of thoughts that isn't very structured, the exploration of multiple aspects and all the "..." symbolizes continuity of thoughts (:
okay. i REALLY have to stop and get started on HL103.
tata (:
the quiet yet steady confidence in God. gogogo!
Intimidation not about life in general, but intimidation faced in school.
Sitting down and chatting over lunch with some friends in school today made me realize how real this issue is amongst everyone of us. My dear friends are losing faith in themselves. we're getting intimidated by people whom we deem as smart. To quote a friend: "I wasn't even like that in the past. but as of now, self confidence is 0, esteem is 0. I don't even dare to speak up in class anymore." (speaking up in class earns us class participation points which takes up 10% of our final grade. very crucial especially since tutorial lessons are crafted in such a way that encourages tutor-student interaction. sadly, it's a singaporean thing to speak up less..)
We've become so fearful of what people think of what we say. The fear of appearing silly, the fear of being critiqued and having nothing to say in defense of ourselves.. the vulnerability of not having answers. But I suppose the pressure is greater in my tutorial class 'coz the smarties are here. man, you should've seen what kanjiong spiders we all were before every presentation.
i digress: i wonder if these people KNOW that they're intimidating? if they do, do they derive some sense of sardonic glee in watchin us squirm in our seats? hahaha. being overly-analytical. BUT so possible! in any way, they're definitely positive influences 'coz you feel the motivation to catch up with them, to be on par. But, there's always the other end of the spectrum - taking the pressure negatively and start feeling all dejected.
this got me thinking. Why are we allowing ourselves to feel that way? why do we allow ourselves to be intimidated by people like that? silly things to do, don't you think? and yet at the same time, it's definitely something very real and not to be swept under the carpet. all of us have battled with thoughts like these at one point or another. feeling stupid and blah.i suppose that it's only human to feel this way, to feel underpowered and inadequate for tasks, and that our best doesn't seem to be enough.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and He will make your paths straight." - prov 3:5-6
Perhaps, this is why and how Christians are different. The quiet confidence that we have in God, trusting and depending on Him that He will make everything right, that everything will ultimately be okay. but of course, we work hard for what we want... no such thing as a free munch in the world right? but of course, we don't trust God all the time. Times of falling into disbelief.
2 Tim 1:7 says: For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of a sound mind.
"if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives to all men generously and without reproaching, and it will be given to him." - James 1:5
these are the verses i hold on whenever i feel stupid, not-confident, inadequate. to hold fast to its promises. reminds me that i'm not stupid, at all. and knowing that i have no lack of wisdom and of knowledge fascinates me to no end. fears of being not good enough in school, fears of not doing well, this is what sustains me, what brings me hope.
to do my best and God does the rest.
quoting Nana: "think as christians, we always give our problems to God, only to take it back." how true... if only we could all lay hold of all of God's promises and to really let go and let live. that of course, requires faith. to have faith always is hard especially when the world we live in demands fact after fact to substantiate our claims. but faith... is faith:" it is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see". - Hebrews 11:1. so absolutely contrary to what the world says: seeing is believing. but really, let's think about the future. nobody is certain about the future, we can all work hard towards a certain goal, but for it to turn out well requires some bit of faith too right?
and as a dear, sweet friend, Jane, always says with such child-like wonder and faith: "God will bless us! We must first do our best believe that God will make it happen!"
laying hold of His promises.
that's what i'm going to do.
faith stretching!
i guess all these alludes to the bigger picture of life. of living life more fully and investing our time into worthwhile things and causes. living life confidently, without fear, which really doesn't discount the bad stuff that happens. but to make lemonade of out of lemon juice.
to a full life! (:
geez, i sound like an old lady talking. i'm not even 20 lah...
this is terrible, i keep saying so much, and one thing leads to another, i'll NEVER end my blog post! this is a lousy example of modernist writing (i learnt this fact in class) since it shows the stream of consciousness, the rambling on of thoughts that isn't very structured, the exploration of multiple aspects and all the "..." symbolizes continuity of thoughts (:
okay. i REALLY have to stop and get started on HL103.
tata (:
the quiet yet steady confidence in God. gogogo!
it's a beautiful day
it's a beautiful day
passing life by,
looking, but not seeing.
hearing, but not listening.
touching, but not feeling.
but today, gently and tenderly
You reminded me
those clear skies
the soft hue of powder blue
that glorious warmth
poured out on my back
i didn't pause
but i felt Your hand
i walked with You today
in the secret garden
in the secret garden
and i basked
in the warmth of love
of satisfaction
of hope
and strength
i smiled
resting my gaze on the clouds afar
the skies abundant
not a speck of grey
not a trace of rain
truly cherished
so quenches the tired soul
the quiet during the storm
the peace during the rain
the quiet after the storm
the peace after the rain
the peace during the rain
the quiet after the storm
the peace after the rain
the beautiful skies
they bring me hope
of Your unfailing love
a reminder of His tender love
to keep my eyes heavenward
to keep my eyes heavenward
min*
Sunday, March 23, 2008
At the Cross
Oh Lord You've searched me
You know my way
Even when I fail You
I know You love me
Your holy presence
Surrounding me
In every season
I know You love me
I know You love me
At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now
You go before me
You shield my way
Your hand upholds me
I know You love me
At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now?
You tore the veil
You made a way
When You said that it is done
And when the earth's veil
Falls from my eyes
And You stand before me
I know You love me
Oh.. I know You love me
Saturday, March 22, 2008
thank You (: happiness to the max!
(:
it's done. and I have soooo much to give thanks for. HW111 presentation went well; well beyond our expectations! i'm so blessed to have had such a great team to work alongside with. wow... it wasn't even hard working together with Zaw, Denise & DR. it was so much fun and laughter! who says work can't be fun? i really thank God that my groupmates are such nice and comical people, couldnt have asked for a better group, really. just don't know what to say anymore. but man, if i were to be given an opportunity to choose my grp members for another proj, i'd say zaw, denise & dr in a heartbeat! think God has blessed me with really efficient and nice groupies, even during last sem. ahh... how grateful I am (: let's hope this lasts throughout the remaining 3+ years yeah...
happy nevertheless (: just 2 more assignments to go. PRESS ON!
it's done. and I have soooo much to give thanks for. HW111 presentation went well; well beyond our expectations! i'm so blessed to have had such a great team to work alongside with. wow... it wasn't even hard working together with Zaw, Denise & DR. it was so much fun and laughter! who says work can't be fun? i really thank God that my groupmates are such nice and comical people, couldnt have asked for a better group, really. just don't know what to say anymore. but man, if i were to be given an opportunity to choose my grp members for another proj, i'd say zaw, denise & dr in a heartbeat! think God has blessed me with really efficient and nice groupies, even during last sem. ahh... how grateful I am (: let's hope this lasts throughout the remaining 3+ years yeah...
happy nevertheless (: just 2 more assignments to go. PRESS ON!
Saturday, March 15, 2008
scwhimmy baboonzy waalloowww (i didnt know what to title the post)
hey blog (:
i missed you. haven't been writing in for abit, save the joke post. gosh, these few weeks have been busyscwhimsy all the way. it's a different sort of busy. not busy with running around doing errands, but busy doing school work.. oh the readings.. the readings.. we could get away with not reading certain texts last semester but missing out on one now will cost you. think the reality of being a uni smucker has just begun to sink in. as of now, i've handed in the singapore lit assignment and am not very happy with it. sigh ): i really think i didn't do justice to the 2 poems. but what's done can't be undone eh? (maybe that's the reason why i've been extra hardworking for sing lit in other areas. haa.) but, we'll see how things go from here. thanksgiving! i'm glad my film proposal got approved (: i slaved over those 2 pages, just twwwwooooooo! i thought so hard about it 'till the brains almost imploded. well at least the skeleton's out. yay. but well, i've got more to conquer.
i missed you. haven't been writing in for abit, save the joke post. gosh, these few weeks have been busyscwhimsy all the way. it's a different sort of busy. not busy with running around doing errands, but busy doing school work.. oh the readings.. the readings.. we could get away with not reading certain texts last semester but missing out on one now will cost you. think the reality of being a uni smucker has just begun to sink in. as of now, i've handed in the singapore lit assignment and am not very happy with it. sigh ): i really think i didn't do justice to the 2 poems. but what's done can't be undone eh? (maybe that's the reason why i've been extra hardworking for sing lit in other areas. haa.) but, we'll see how things go from here. thanksgiving! i'm glad my film proposal got approved (: i slaved over those 2 pages, just twwwwooooooo! i thought so hard about it 'till the brains almost imploded. well at least the skeleton's out. yay. but well, i've got more to conquer.
- hw111 - presentation 20th march
- hl205 vic lit essay due 20th march
- hl103 survey of eng lit essay due 1st april
- hl211 film essay due 4th april
- readings & revision for exams
- exams
and i shall do it with a joyful heart (: what's the point of complaining when you can choose to look at it more positively right? you feel so much better and so much more motivated, no? and because i know my God will never let me walk alone (: life is just too short to be moping around. (dont know why but moping always reminds me of someone walking around face-down, with his or her hair mopping up their tears that fall on the ground... the brain's imagination is on overdrive today. ha.)
to be honest, sometimes i do feel like i'm not making the most of life 'coz i'm getting too caught up with the paper chase; to attain some semblance of perfection. it's important to excel academically, but there's so much more to life than getting good grades. and what i felt wasn't just restricted to wanting to do well in school, but wanting to be a steward of what i've been entrusted to do in church as well. i'm not sure when it all began but there was a period of time when i felt so jaded, cynical, so defeated and disappointed with everyone and everything around me. i felt inadequate, i was afraid, i wasn't confident of my own abilities, i felt so utterly worthless.
it was also, no doubt, a period of time when i felt the most self-centred, when everything became all about me, me and me. i wanted people to do this that for me but never what i could do for others? it was a period where my fervour to serve in church grew cold. when everything became a chore. and it frightened me a lot - realizing what kind of person i was becoming. always brooding and unhappy over the smallest of things.. i was lost. slowly, but surely, i was losing faith in myself. just felt like i couldnt do anything right. i felt myself trying to fit into this constructed image of perfection in my head. like wanting to be this certain person and wanting to be seen as a certain type of person.
and all these while, i was being blinded by perfection and self-consciousness.
but i never ever realized that that was my issue.
speaking to my mentor, she opened my eyes to the flaws, to why i was battling so hard with life, to why i was feeling so unhappy about things that just don't go my way. and she pointed out that i was incredibly harsh on myself when i fail to be that person i want to be. i just never let go of my failures and that i let them linger and return to haunt. and all these stemmed out of self-consciousness. i'm too conscious of what people think of me and until i let go of that, i'll never truly experience freedom.
and yes, i agree. i'm too hard on myself. i take damn long to forgive myself even though i've already been forgiven. i just take things too hard man. gosh. maybe it explains why i'm such an intense person too! yeah.. i've got to stop being so hard on myself and to stop being so self-conscious. coz it really affects me when i lead worship sometimes. when it should really be about God, and not me. i need to learn and recognize that what's passed is already the past... to step out of that self-pity rut and get a move on. times of failure is inevitable. just gotta pick myself up and move on.
i guess there will be no conclusion to this post because i have no answers to all my struggles and i suppose, like me... i'm an unfinished piece of work, in the Master's hands. there will be no end to the many questions i have and things that i don't understand. there will continue to be times when i feel inadequate, times when i fail and moments when i just can't do anything right. but it's by the faith that i have in Him that everything will be okay that i know will see me through (: and for all the other rockstars(coz you rock my world! hahaha) in my life. for all my inadequacies, i'll have to always rmb that God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
like a little clod of clay, i'm in the process of being moulded. times when i'm prodded at all sides and bearing the heat of the furnace brings me discomfort but i'll just have to believe that at the end of it all, i'll be a finished piece of art. and maybe God could one day, use my experiences to help others along.
regardless of my imperfection.
Friday, March 14, 2008
people, pls appreciate me, my jokes and i (:
everyone, meet Fid. He's my new bestfriend (:
fid. says:
kinda miss ur lame jokes man
min* says:
HAHA i could tell you one right now
min* says:
lol
min* says:
what happens when a king burps?
fid. says:
oh man
fid. says:
the world shakes?
fid. says:
there's a typhoon?
min* says:
haha no
min* says:
he issues a royal pardon
fid. says:
......
fid. says:
ok
fid. says:
can you plz be in my tutorial next sem
fid. says:
suddenly a wave of nostalgia hit me when you told that joke
min* says:
HAHAHA
min* says:
lol
min* says:
aiyoo...
min* says:
why dont you groom a joke teller?
min* says:
or you start telling jokes la, relieves your nostalgia
fid. says:
hahha
fid. says:
nobody can put it as aptly as you
fid. says:
pple just pause trying to find an appropriate response
fid. says:
haha
min* says:
HAHAHAHA
min* says:
but honestly i expect the same response from everyone, which is usually the case
min* says:
reponse: PAUSE *dry laughter somewhere*
fid. says:
hahaha
fid. says:
but nobody manages to illicit such a complete vacuum in that pause besides you
fid. says:
haha
fid. says:
ur jokes are amazing
fid. says:
i just realized its value
min* says:
ahahah
min* says:
hrms
min* says:
okay i'mnot sure how i should respond now
min* says:
was that a compliment or an euphemized attack?
min* says:
LOL
fid. says:
hahaha
fid. says:
no serious compliment
BEST! ((((:
yes, i know... trigger happy. BUT, it's so rare to find someone who appreciates my jokes la! i can go to bed tonight, knowing that my jokes actually made somewhat of a difference... the wonder of it all...
maybe fid just has an aquired taste for jokes. yes, i think so.
fid. says:
kinda miss ur lame jokes man
min* says:
HAHA i could tell you one right now
min* says:
lol
min* says:
what happens when a king burps?
fid. says:
oh man
fid. says:
the world shakes?
fid. says:
there's a typhoon?
min* says:
haha no
min* says:
he issues a royal pardon
fid. says:
......
fid. says:
ok
fid. says:
can you plz be in my tutorial next sem
fid. says:
suddenly a wave of nostalgia hit me when you told that joke
min* says:
HAHAHA
min* says:
lol
min* says:
aiyoo...
min* says:
why dont you groom a joke teller?
min* says:
or you start telling jokes la, relieves your nostalgia
fid. says:
hahha
fid. says:
nobody can put it as aptly as you
fid. says:
pple just pause trying to find an appropriate response
fid. says:
haha
min* says:
HAHAHAHA
min* says:
but honestly i expect the same response from everyone, which is usually the case
min* says:
reponse: PAUSE *dry laughter somewhere*
fid. says:
hahaha
fid. says:
but nobody manages to illicit such a complete vacuum in that pause besides you
fid. says:
haha
fid. says:
ur jokes are amazing
fid. says:
i just realized its value
min* says:
ahahah
min* says:
hrms
min* says:
okay i'mnot sure how i should respond now
min* says:
was that a compliment or an euphemized attack?
min* says:
LOL
fid. says:
hahaha
fid. says:
no serious compliment
BEST! ((((:
yes, i know... trigger happy. BUT, it's so rare to find someone who appreciates my jokes la! i can go to bed tonight, knowing that my jokes actually made somewhat of a difference... the wonder of it all...
maybe fid just has an aquired taste for jokes. yes, i think so.
Sunday, March 09, 2008
oops i did it again
After stepping out of my house on saturday morning, I thought the weather was rather warm and so decided to fold my jeans into 3 quarts. i thought i had enough time to do that in the lift.
doors open at 1st floor.
i see my bewildered neighbour looking back at me.
i've only folded the jeans on my left leg.
*gives sheepish smile*
i wanted to fold the other side of my jeans at the void deck, only to realize that my bus was at the bustop! i ran, yes, RAN with the ridiculous outift. upon reaching the bustop, this guy just KEPT staring at me. like how paiseh man. the moment i hopped on the bus, i looked out for the nearest seat, sat down and frantically began folding my jeans.
haha
ohdearme.
doors open at 1st floor.
i see my bewildered neighbour looking back at me.
i've only folded the jeans on my left leg.
*gives sheepish smile*
i wanted to fold the other side of my jeans at the void deck, only to realize that my bus was at the bustop! i ran, yes, RAN with the ridiculous outift. upon reaching the bustop, this guy just KEPT staring at me. like how paiseh man. the moment i hopped on the bus, i looked out for the nearest seat, sat down and frantically began folding my jeans.
haha
ohdearme.
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