maluation

i honestly don't know what to make of this situation.

let's go through the checklist:
embarassed, check.
feeling kinda dumb, check.
don't know what to do, check.
don't know how to face him in future, check.

so, i went for tutorial today.
i was 5 mins early for class, but went into the room anyways.
it was just jeremy(tutor) and i.
it was awkward.
you know how small talks take place right?
talking to fill up the deafening silence.
coupled with the fact that he's so smart.. and i'm not really..
so the conversation wasn't really flowing except for our discussion about monty python and their loose storyplots, russell peter's standup comedy and goodness, gracious me (british-indian comedy).
heng, my friend came soon after.
my "knightess" in shining armour. haha

after tutorial, we were all walking towards the bustop.
we were talking about how the population of our tut class was slowly dwindling.
i dont know why but i just had to exclaim really loudly:
"yeah! it was so awkward to be alone with Jeremy just now!!!"
everyone laughed.

as we were turning down the stairs, i looked back coz i thought i saw jeremy. Lo and behold. he was walking right behind us.

OH.MY.GOODNESS.GRACIOUS

i think he heard everything.

but he was on his phone.

but still, i think he heard everything.

ahhhhhh!!!! *digs a hole and buries self*

save me.

come to think of it, it is quite funny. i'm sure Jeremy understands, but still it isn't smth nice to say outloud. it's no biggie, eveyrone says. but the thought that jeremy overheard haunts me. i feel bad, though there really isn't a need to. i just do. it's okay to feel awkward about someone/something. but, it's not okay to say it face-to-face. well it technically wasn't said face-to-face since my back was to his face. but STILL. ah. i need to get over it. i even contemplated writing an apology note because i feel so bad. but ange, ames & ys told me to be cool abt it. even kev didnt see the need to. oh well..

but i'm thankful that this is the last tut for the sem. if i were to get j. as my tutor in future for other modules, i will really be at a loss to know to how to behave normally. haha. might just start dancing in class to distract myself. haha

yeah lor kevin, macham blooper. too bad there wasn't a camera... haha. i need to learn to laugh about it.

it's strange how blogging about embarassing situations helps one to feel better. it's therapeutic in some ways, i guess. prolly somewhat absurd. it's really ironic; how this whole thing works huh? you feel embarassed but still blog about it and even more people know about it. at the same time, with more people in the know, you feel less embarassed! and i'm pretty sure this whole flipped phenomenon isnt just restricted to me.

oh well.

on a happier and less-malu note, i saw gra and drick! first time to ever see them in school (: was really quite happy to see them albeit for a really short while. gra and drick! WAFFLES SOON!




and till i get over myself, adieu.

essays of absurdity

why so abstract and open-ended?
beckett and bergman are the death of me!

the absurdity of writing an essay based on the theme of absurdity.

this is harder than i expected

live Your love

praising You everyday
for God, You're so good (:


I'm listening to a new song from heaven
I'm wide awake, yet dreaming of You
Though I'm not alone
I'm desperate without You
I see your mercy
Lord You are holy
I want to be more like You

Teach me to live Your love
Help me to give Your love
Show me Your way
Lord I'll obey
Your word and live Your love

I stand in awe, grateful remembrance
Press towards the goal
For the prize I must win
I've got my eyes focused upon You
Show me Your beauty
Cause Lord it's your goodness that makes me more like You

Holy wind, blow fresh
Your fire anew
Come breathe on my soul
Let my heart be for You
I've witnessed the light
And the power of Your might

soft pattering of the raindrops

hello world

it's 2.38am now. by standards of being a university student, this is not late. but i decided i should sleep earlier than usual so i went to bed an hour ago, only to be woken by the rain. i'm tired but my brain seems too awake to cooperate. so here i am, blogging.

sitting on my bed
i listened out for the soft pattering of
the raindrops falling against my window
fighting to wash away the day's weariness

see how they roll down the glass..
there is a certain peace and tranquility in this stillness of night
undisturbed and unhurried..
that i have time to pen this pensive note

it's in these times of quietness
when even time slows to a crawl
i sometimes hear them call out to me
thoughts that were buried and put to rest

the day's work consumes
and leaves you no time to ponder
revisiting when you least expect
what am i going to do?

simply say adieu.
for my mind's made up
i bid you adieu
i bid you adieu


one oh-so-happy-go-lucky, the other pensive and reflective. not many see this side of me, coz not many read this blog. and i'd like to keep it that way. but hey, i have my fair share of bad days. i don't always write poems when i'm down, but it just seems to be easier to write in stanzas and couplets and quatrains sometimes. maybe because i've never been one to be direct. i go round a very big bush before coming to the point. sometimes it's just better to be indirect, you can put so much meaning in there. but i'm not upset or anything.. just pensive.

it's the wake-up-and-blog-at-unearthly-hours-syndrome. you start rattling about random and probably irrelevant topics like now. haha i'm gg to try to change my blogskin before hitting the sack.

bye world

i am glad because..

• i have only 2 assignments left undone for this semester.
• exams are coming because it means that the holidays are approaching like a choo choo train.
• tmr is friday, and soon it will be sat and sunday, which means that daddy will return from his business trip soon.
• i'll be going to church on sat and sun
• i have this short break

i am glad because God saw me and will continue to see me through everything, whose love is ever faithful and unfailing.


(:

trying. when should it stop?

sometimes friends and even family fail you. it's natural to feel hurt and be upset. so much internal turmoil; all the blind and perhaps, pointless guessing creating a dichotomy of thoughts in your head.

one side embraces grace and the want (maybe need) to forgive, to closing both eyes, believing in naivety, second chances and in giving others the benefit of doubt. yet the other wages war with anger, fear, accusations and the need to show that the other is at fault.

but really.. at the end of the day, you'd want to see neither side win.

why?

why do we hesitate?
is it the fear of rejection? is the fear of being the one in the wrong? what are we really afraid of?

because of that, our actions appear awkward, intentions become clouded and whatever we think of and what we perform don't correspond.



it has become pointless to try
for the falling and bruises have taken its toll
pointless contriving
just reminiscing the old

blessed be Your Name

think it was meant to be.
we sang this song during service, i came home, tuned in to Godlistens.com and here it is again - that same song, blessed be Your Name.



Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name



true. you learn from mistakes.
but making them sucks a lot.
help me yield to the moulding of Your hands

Your Intended

like the sun that rises everyday

You are so faithful
oh Lord You are faithful (:

indeed, You're full of glory and majesty oh God. thank You for things big and small and even difficult times when i feel like i'm ready to break. but thank You for holding close, even when i feel far. for blessings that i dont deserve - family and friends.

thank You Lord for making Yourself seen in the most insignificant of works, the smallest of ways. truly, it's the small things in life that matters the most.

help me Lord, whenever i feel distressed or upset at smth/someone, help me look to You first above all. still my heart in the midst of strong waves. help me to love others like i've never been hurt before.. .. help me to love others like i expect no returns. help me to love others like Jesus.

let not my spirit be broken by what others say or do. help me to surrender everything. every single minute detail to you Lord. my words, thoughts and deeds. convict me when i'm sinning. pump me with zest where i lack in zeal, and grant me wisdom when i act in folly; to hold my tongue and exercise discernment.

thank You for being so good..
i just wana be Your intended.

purpose

Our calendars can fill up quickly.

But it’s easy to feel empty in the midst of a full life if

there’s no sense of purpose in the busyness.

We can be slaves to circumstance,

to feelings, or to what others might think.

We can look at the daily schedule as simply passing the time

until we get to something better in life.

Or we can approach life as an ongoing occasion

to be good stewards of what we’ve been given.

We can be intentional in our responsibilities and

relationships and be on the lookout for the opportunities

where we can best put our gifts to work.

With that outlook, our everyday duties and activities

contribute like a paycheck into

a lifetime account of contentment.

i decided to pay evelyn's blog a visit. and i stumbled upon this passage. instantly, i felt that God was talking to me.

it's so true... what the passage talks about. it is frightening to live without purpose. even more so when you think you're living with purpose only to discover at the end of the day that you're living it for the wrong reasons or simply when you start to lose meaning in your work.

i admit that sometimes, i get tired and ask God if this was truly what He meant for me to do. in times when i feel inadequate, when questions fill my head, when self-doubt creeps in, when i start comparing myself, when i feel lousy and think of things i could've done better. all these thoughts. they're humane aren't they? i can't help but think of such things sometimes.

you know how God gives us opportunities to perform. but at times, i find myself letting slip of these opportunities or worse still, i choose not to do my best just because i didnt feel like it, i feel like there's no motivation to do so. horror of horrors isn't it? dont worry.. it seldom happens.. and i hate it when it happens too coz i know it hurts God for me to make such choices and it makes me hate myself too.

tragically, i'm a "yes" person. i cannot say no to people. that, is a major flaw. and i'm still in the midst of learning to say no. more than once, i've over-committed myself only to pull out at the end. it's a horrid thing to do because you break your promise and you disappoint the person who trusted you. disappointing friends is the worst thing because you know it pains them and pains yourself. because they'll tell you how much they understand and that it's okay. but you know better. you gave them false hope. at the end of the day, you beat yourself up over the mistake of saying yes. sigh. it's just not possible to do everything you love. life has its seasons they say.

sometimes, i wonder.. if i'm doing the right things, if i'm being the person who God wants me to be and if i'm doing what He wants me to do, then why are things seemingly difficult and full of strife? why do i feel lost, unloved and looked-down upon?

we all wish to be smarter, better-looking, accepted, be well thought of by others and be understood. but truth be told, we don't live in such a utopian society. we judge, we sin, we tear at each other's throat.

scary, isn't it?

we could all approach life like that, be like everyone else at work or in school, where everybody will only do what's good for themselves and not give a hoot about how you feel. but that's not what God has called us to do.

"Or we can approach life as an ongoing occasion to be good stewards of what we’ve been given. We can be intentional in our responsibilities and relationships and be on the lookout for the opportunities where we can best put our gifts to work. With that outlook, our everyday duties and activities contribute like a paycheck into a lifetime account of contentment."

on the other hand, we could choose to be like the above. the right thing to do will always be the harder if not hardest thing to do, but the reward reaped will be far more lasting isn't it? doing the right thing will settle the butterflies in your stomache, gives you peace and better sleep. haha. jokes aside.. doing the right thing isn't just about following law, not just about making you feel better about yourself, it's about finding contentment, peace and authentic joy. ultimately, it's to honour and give God glory. after all.. we are created in His likeness.

in the midst of a hectic crazy school term, managing ministry, family and friends, Lord, help me be a good steward of what i choose to do and not be consumed by my own fears and thoughts. rather, help me focus on YOUR thoughts, to do what's holy and right in Your eyes. the devil may taunt and plant lies, but help me be strong in You and let not my faith waver. my purpose is in You God. hold on to me tightly and comfort me when i feel defeated. but let not my despair cloud my eyes because Lord, You've won all the battles and i am victorious in You. pls give me wisdom, discernment and joy, lots and lots of it even as i go about doing all that i have. Lord, i want to hear Your voice. just Yours.. amen.

in retrospect

this week has been a mad rush. i've never written so many essays within such a short period of time, done so much research for a single paper. it was no doubt challenging, but satisfying nonetheless. imagine handing in stack of papers, neatly stapled, with your big name on the front cover, knowing that you haven't written rubbish or smoked your way through, rather every word used was carefully thought about, every paragraph deliberately crafted; pouring out your heart and soul into it. think i was beaming when i handed it in. i was proud of it. i really did feel a sense of ownership and accomplishment. i'm not implying that i'll do well, just real proud of myself that i gave it my all. i did my best, so God's gonna do the rest. had a quiz too, but it wasn't too bad because it's open book. heh. but i studied for it! so hopefully, i'll do better (: work is really starting to pour in though... to think i was previously naively optimistic about how slack uni life is. boy.. am i wrong.

looking back, i realized that i've never really anticipated the expectations that i have placed upon myself as an undergraduate. yes, undergraduate. cant quite get used to calling myself an undergraduate...oh well. expectations to do well, expectations to speak maturely, expectations to want to be held in high esteem by the profs and tutors. expectations to get As. expectations of myself to outdo others. expectations to be the best that i can be. expectations to grow into the person God intended.

how time flies huh? just like what luanie said to me: cant believe you girls have all grown up so fast. all of you are in uni now. even eugene said that to me the other day: the last time i looked, you were only 13. and now, you're in uni! unbelieveable..

Starting a new phase of life is definitely exciting, but filled with dread sometimes. but all's good because i know i have a Big Guy up there who loves me so much more than i can ever comprehend (: there's nothing to fear, nothing to doubt. Oh God, You're so amazing (: simply amazing... my life would've been radically different without You. there's just no way that i could've survived alone. God is so good. from the little things to huge ones, You've always been there, always so faithful. help me stay faithful to You too (:

For Christ

a letter

dear friend,

havent spoken to you in awhile.
how have you been?
a question too oft answered with a vague okay.
it seems like it's getting harder and harder to connect.

you must have loads to do,
to be this busy.
that's something i always told myself when i think of u.

sometimes i wonder if i've said something to offend,
or maybe i'm just thinking too much.
you feel so far away,
that i dont even dare to call.

i dont ever want that day to come,
coz you mean too much.
only wished that you'd try,
to make this friendship work.

my dear friend,
i pray that you're truly okay.
and i hope you know,
that i'll always be here - for you.


with much love,
your friend

*ps: i miss you. may He keep you safe.

beyond measure - Jeremy Camp

The fog has finally cleared to see,
The beautiful life you’ve given me
To feel the breeze of my newborn’s gentle breath
With one to walk hand in hand,
To share this life that you have planned
It’s like a storybook with dreams
That are meant to see every next step is an extraordinary scene

[CHORUS]
I know that I’ve been,
Given more than beyond measure,
I come alive when,
I see beyond my fears
I know that I’ve been given more than earthly treasure,
I come alive when
I’ve broken down and given you control

I’ve faced a great tragedy,
But have seen the works of what you bring
A display of faith that you give,
I don’t know if I will ever understand
The depth of what it is you’ve done inside,
But I know that I will won’t find any worth apart from you

Everything that I have
Has been given so unselfishly
And shown that even when I don’t deserve
You always show the fullness of your love

a foodie entry

i have a class and it's called The Craft of Writing.

i wrote a poem today and was supposed to write about my favourtie activity - eating. hah. but be warned that it's defnitely not of any academic worth haha.. it's plainly for amusement (: it's meant to be monosyllabic.. but er.. hahaha i feel handicapped without using words that's more than a syallable long!!!!

here goes:

stuff, chew and chomp,
the joy of food that makes me glad.
eat snack and gorge,
the pig-outs, they com-plete my day.

if one goes with-out food,
their guts are sure to stomp!
why give food a miss?
it's sure to give you bliss!

when one asks what's the best,
make sure they get fried bread.
spread thick cream in excess,
you're sure to hear O-LEH!

so tell me now, why not eat?
to eat to live or live to eat?
the latter - i am sure to be! (:




and now, for another free writing exercise.
an expressive piece about canteen B in NTU. (we were made to sit in there for 30mins to come up with adjectives to describe the canteen. by far, the most fun activity. coz we snacked. haha)

*disclaimer: people from ntu may not necessarily agree with this post. coz canteen b is supposed to be one of the most.. chui canteens. oops..

walking down the flight of stairs, a cacophony of voices and movements raided my senses. sitting down at the row of tables, the glaring sunlight flooding through the tinted glass panels blinded me momentarily. settling in, seated comfortably, one's senses are bombarded with an array of smells and sights. the steady hum of the electric fans and the clanking of pots andpans blended in chromatic harmony. the boisterous company of sprightful friends made eating a far greater delight. steaming hot; piping food satisfied our bellowing stomaches and like the rushing flow of charlie's chocolate river, the iced-mile's refreshing coolness invigorated my spirit. there is nothing like food and good company that brings a smile to my face.

notice that i never said that the food there is good...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YI-LIN DEAREST!!!!! (:
i'm so glad we met. that about sums it all up, coz it's the beginning of an awesome friendship! YEAH!



AND



i am reaalllyyyy excited for youth camp! whoo! (:

Unfailing Love (:

positively happy (:

oh God, i thank You for being so faithful
i thank You for good times and bad
i thank you for holding fast to me, never letting go of me
times when i've turned away
times whe i've hardened my heart
still God, You chose to stay

help me see the world through Jesus' eyes
to love like Jesus does
to react the way Jesus would
to live a life of worthiness
to have joy with every beat of my heart
every breath i take
in every task i'm given

Jesus, i'm Yours
thank You for Your unfailing love

in good times and bad,
i'll praise Your name.


*



You have my heart
And I am yours forever
You are my strength
God of grace and power

And everything
You hold in Your hand
Still You make time for me
I can't understand

Praise You, God of earth and sky
How beautiful is Your unfailing love
Unfailing love
And You never change, God,
You remain
The Holy One and my unfailing love
Unfailing love

You are my rock
The One I hold on to
You are my song
And I sing for You

And everythingYou hold in Your hand
Still You make time for me
I can't understand

Praise You, God of earth and sky
How beautiful is Your unfailing love
Unfailing love
And You never change, God, You remain
The Holy One and my unfailing love
Unfailing love

i must persevere.
i will finish TYPING my 2 assignments by TONIGHT.
finish my public policy RESEARCH & TUT hw by TONIGHT.
i shall also finish preparing for my meeting tmr TONIGHT.

yes. it ENDS TONIGHT.

I CAN! I CAN! I CAN!

*ties bandana around head jap style*

CHIONG AR!!!!!!!!!!!

what does chipper mean?

chipper means being happy (:

my posts aren't intentionally moody and grumpy..

why can't you encourage me just a little bit?
that's all i ask from you.
is that too much?

there's a reason why i don't share. coz you only know how to put me down - every single time. and i don't need that. can't you see that i'm putting in a lot of effort? can't you see that i'm making changes? why can't you just love me for who i am?

for too long, for far too long.

i'm sick and tired.




God help me, please.
focus on your giants
you will stumble
focus on Jesus
your giants will tumble

just hoping.
hoping.




the hope rang true (:

i had a good talk with God today (: refreshed and recharged.

but at the same time, i gotta be more cautious. coz this is when S.A. Tan comes into the picture.

But if God's for me, who can be against me?

to give my all.
for my family, for worship, for hospitality, for liveline, for school.
to honour God with everything; every single aspect of my life.

today's the day that everything will change. today's my turning point.

this is so exciting! hahaha. i just realized that my macbk can choose to startup with mac os or windows vista! i have the best of both worlds (: