surrender

it's this time of the semester again; it's when stress gets to everyone. and it's getting to me too. all the pressure from school's making me see things in a lesser perspective, clouding up mind. and all i feel is this dead weight that i'm lugging around, this inertia that i can't seem to get rid of.

I'm givin you my heart, and all that is within
I lay it all down for the sake of you, my King
I'm givin you me dreams, I'm layin down my rights
I'm givin up my heart for the promise of new life

(Chorus)
And I surrender all to you, all to you
And I surrender all to you, Lord, all to you

- "surrender"/vineyard

***

it's somehow reassuring

to always come back to this place

surrendering over and over again

coz i know God is bigger than all my fears

for my yoke in Him is light

***

Your grace is sufficient for me

Your strength is made perfect
When I am weak
And all that I cling to
I lay at Your feet
Your grace is sufficient for me

- "Your grace is sufficient"/shane & shane

sigh.

it's one of 'em off days that i feel silly for having done what i've done. i've blown it.

wheehoo love <3

8 years of friendship and counting <3

look out on the sidewalk

quiet mornings spent

by the window's desk.

so flutters a day curtain;

the morning's soft light comes streaming in,

blanketing the table with a white hue.

j.mayer's playing his acoustic

closed my eyes

took a breath

felt this heart strangely stilled.

heard the soft whirl of the ceiling fan,

some muffled hum of movement

and a vacuum of hurriedness.

lap up the quiet;

it floods my soul

be still.

***

so many things to do before going to sweden.

module mapping

6 more essays

readings on top of that

and then exams

gah.

*facepalms*

hope

it's one of those days that i sit back and remember how much God loves and has blessed me with, that i feel all the butterflies dancing in my stomache -- makes me feel like the days ahead are filled overflowing with hope even though it doesn't always look like it.

God, i love You, i love You, i love You! (:

be still

"do not be quick with your mouth and hasty in your heart."

lest i forget

what it means to love deeply

i have come away from the retreat, more in awe of God's person. i was/am blown away by so many things, but even more so, by the way He binds us all by the tapestry of His Love (:

without even realizing, God has been constantly drawing my attention to Love; of what it means to love with the truth, to love deeply and fearlessly. my recent journal entries - they're all about love. the season of conflict that i've come out of made me realize that love conquers all. during one of the nights' prayer and praise session, Wendy gave an invitation for anyone of us to share about whatever that God had impressed upon our hearts and every single person who shared, shared about - yep, you guessed it - LOVE. the one and only constant recurring theme. sharing after sharing after sharing. LOVE. FAMILY. UNITY. COMMUNITY. LOVE.

need i say more?

to love deeply and freely, to let love bind this family together, to realize that there should be no half measure in loving.

"if i speak in tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, i am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. if i have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if i have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, i am nothing. if i give all i possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, i gain nothing." - 1 cor 13:1-3.

Rudy shared:
"therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. forgive as the Lord forgave you. and over all these virtues put on LOVE, which binds them all together in perfect UNITY. let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body yuo were called to peace. and be thankful. and let the Word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. and whatever you do, whether in word or deedm do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." - col:3:12-17

having had disagreements before, i'm reminded again of luke 7:47 - "for her many sins were forgiven -- for she loved much. but he who has been forgiven little, loves little."

this quote is more often than not, misquoted as: he who forgives much, loves much. he who forgives little, loves little. much as this quote is not wrong, it's important to remember the value and the meaning of forgiveness that is first given by God. we can love because God first loved us; and because of His love for us, He FORGIVES us of our sins. therefore we experience the power of His redeeming grace to in turn, forgive others. even in the word "forgive", much is said. quoting(paraphrased) from Billy Otto: if we break up the word "forgive", it is to "for-give" or "forE-give"; to give beforehand. wow. to FOREGIVE. God FORGAVE us of our sins!

the value of "forgiving" holds a special place in my heart because there's so much power in that. not forgiving can render powerlessness, yet forgiving EMPOWERS. one loves so much more when we're able to forgive, simply because we've come to love people for all their idiosyncrasies, for all their shortcomings, to truly embrace them for who they are. again, it is to see beyond the ugly and persist to see the gold, for love keeps no records of wrongdoings. that, is the perfect standard of God's love; that is how He loves. in Him, our slates are wiped clean, our sins forgiven by His blood and His sacrifice on the Cross. instead, He pursues us out of His Love - we are His Beloved; He gives freely to us the countless second chances to be better.

do we then, offer that second chance to people?

to love God is the very first commandment. it's followed by loving others as ourselves. it ranks above not murdering, not bearing false witness etc. why? why love? what is it about love that it is so powerful and important? Love in Hebrew means "i give". to love is to give. to give of ourselves for others. we can love because God first loved us. God GAVE His Son to die for us. a quote from a website that i stumbled across - "Giving is a condition that creates and sustains love. Without giving, there is no connection that is sustaining." and i absolutely agree. giving is at the core of what it means to love.

even when we choose our friends, do we choose them because they appear better, speak better, present themselves better etc? Jesus came straight for the the people deemed as the lowest of the low; He dined with the lepers, the tax collectors, the harlots. how many times have we been guilty of not reaching out simply because we were afraid of what people would think of us? i know i have. but i think, the key is in trying. loving the less lovely, loving those who are difficult, persisting to unearth the gem in him or her. if not for patient and loving people who chose to commit to nurturing and guiding me all these years, i wouldn't be where i am now - given a second chance. do we choose to love or shun people when they're at their worst? do we persist to love?

choosing to ignore and step away from the person when that happens is so much easier than doing what love demands. if we were to compare both in terms of eternal value, i'd say loving trumps not loving in spite of the hurts that may come with vulnerability. for Love is the greatest these. to be clothed with compassion and not impassion, to love with truth and not superficiality.

to love deeply is to give freely.

have you given today?

***

that You're beckoning me to that quiet place

"to rest in His Love, let God love you."

i first came across that phrase in a note that Shern wrote to me during YMLC. i didn't really get what she meant at first, but more and more, over the past few days, i've come to understand what this phrase means for me. hmm.. prophetic note. haha. (shern, if you're reading this, you're a prophet! heh.)

i remember sitting down on the bed during "cow time" during the retreat, feeling like i needed to write a song. but i had no idea what it should be about. all the words came in chunks, incoherent phrases and whatnots. but as God prompted, it began to crystallize, and the song ultimately came to be about resting in God's love. to come home to God, to run into His arms, it is about us being the prodigal son. we can be Christians for so long, go to church week in, week out, serve in ministry and still feel far from Him, feeling like we don't hear Him anymore. and deep down within, we're crying out to Him to fill us again. sometimes we just don't stop long enough for God to minister, for Him to speak life into our hearts and lives, that He's calling us to REST in His love, to let Him love us, to let Him love me. this song... He intended it for me. i have been the prodigal son (or daughter), i am crying out.

God's been telling me to come away with Him to the quiet place and to rest in His love without distractions. choosing to be at His feet and not running about doing stuff FOR Him, but BEING WITH Him. like a mary vs martha thing. i emailed taupok last night coz he was asking about how i've been doing and all. and i told him that i'm going to sweden. and suddenly it struck me that sweden is an extremely slow-moving place, and that i'll have all the time in the world to bask in that slowness, in the tranquility and quietness of that place. and that God's LITERALLY leading me to be by the quiet waters and green pastures. it's all starting to fall into place now; everything fits now.

i'm going away with God.

rest. i'm looking forward to sweden.

***

I sing over you My song of peace

Cast all your care down at My feet
Come and find your rest in Me

I'll breathe My life inside of you
I'll bear you up on eagle's wings
And hide you in the shadow of My strength
I'll take you to My quiet waters
I'll restore your soul
Come rest in Me and be made whole

You're My beloved
You're My Bride
To sing over you is my delight

"my beloved"/ Kari Jobe

leaving on a jet plane

it's been decided.

i'm leaving for the scandinavian land of SWEDEN! (:

i'm thinking of meatballs right about now... haha.

but all the prospects of exciting adventures, independence, washing my own clothes, cleaning my apartment, maybe do a module on church music (!) and other awesome things like learning to build an igloo aside, i can't help but feel really homesick now. the thought of being away from all that matters to me is a bit daunting and difficult, i guess. too many attachments. i am a homely creature.

i never really thought i'd leave home for a place so far away, what more to study there for 6 months and tour around europe a little bit at the end of the school term. i never thought i'd apply for exchange, let alone get accepted into the program. God is so full of surprises. haha. what an opportunity. yet, i know that God wants me to go. all the lights are green, conditions perfect and more than what i could ever ask for:

- mum and dad are totally supportive. they didn't even think about it. they just said go! it's a rare feat considering how my mum's a conservative worrier. amazing.

- youth comm & yuming are supportive

- my closest friends from school are going with me to sweden, to the SAME uni and we'll be sharing the SAME apartment! for the record, that rarely happens. best part being: we're all christians and have promised to keep one another accountable there. we're going to have our own prayer meetings and worship sessions. HAHA. in the midst of all the hard core partying. lydia even said that she's already thinking of which quiet time material to bring. funny woman. haha. there's a youth group that meets within the university, so yay!

- it's my last opportunity to go on exchange and i got into the program

- i get to clear more of my unrestricted electives and be able to concentrate on my core mods when i come back home.

- not a single person whom i've spoken to about exchange discouraged me to go. everyone's really excited for me, so much more than i am for myself.

well, it's got to be good if God wants me there (:

i know ... i know... i ought to be beaten considering how many people want to go but can't, and here i am feeling sad and a little half-hearted about going. tsk.

but i have to admit that i wasn't too excited about exchange because i know i can't bear to let go of everything here and just leave. of all my responsibilities and loved ones. it's not as if i'm leaving forever. but all of these are just huge chunks of my life. chunks that keeps my heart pumping. yeah, it's time to get out of my cloistered little world and see the great, big world and breathe in some fresh, sweet scandinavian air. it'd be a good break, relax and open my mind, experience life anew, just being close to God's creation - the beautiful landscapes, the alpine air, just wide expanses of green fields and flowers and tranquil lakes. it's almost surreal that i'm going. if only i could pack all of you into my suitcase with me. hahaha.

i was just browsing through steffi's photos (coz she's in sweden now!) and i felt unbearably homesick. how much more would i be when i'm over there, away from family, friends, youthphoria, clay, my sec 1girls... but i'm already seeing God teaching me some stuff. that i'm not indispensable, in the sense that i have to always be around to be

that "safety net" especially so at home, that i shouldn't just keep sticking to where i feel safe, to step out of my comfort zone and really open my eyes, mind and heart to greater possibilities. to just let go and be liberated. learning to be more independent is yet another thing. i've always complained about how sheltered my life is. well, God heard. and i have to wash my clothes myself now. shucks. :p

i suppose i am anxious about coming home (yeah i know right, i'm still 2 months away from leaving. talk about thinking too much. haa), wondering if things will ever be the same, wondering if people will be the same. i guess i'm afraid i'll come back to stale friendships. ahhh. i'm afraid of growing rifts. yet, these are things that are beyond my control, i can only do what i can. relationships mean so much to me. so many of my friends are either on exchange now or going away next semester. seems like everyone's paths are diverging but i hope that they'll converge in the near future. it's exciting to know that we're all embarking on a new chapter of life together. we're all going away; will we come back changed? i want to be able to pick up from where i left off, well, come back recharged to do even more for Him. knowing that God gave me this opportunity. so, CARPE DIEM! that shall be my motto for exchange! hmmm... carpe diem - to rest in His love. trusting God for what's ahead and for everything and everyone else.

yup, i'm feeling it more now. the feelings of excitement & anticipation - they're slowly but surely being stoked.

i'll be leaving after christmas, probably in late dec or early jan. it's going to be a crazy last quarter of a year. i dont want to miss out all that's gonna happen from now till then. so i'm going to invest in a camera (since i've never had one and will need one for the exchange. the smelly sister's camera is too pro for moi) and be more intentional about capturing moments and look at them when i miss home. suddenly, going away from home has made me a bit more appreciative of everyone and everything around me.

and i wonder if this is part of the "Big Dreams".

Father, i love Your ways

You came with Your mercies and died in my place

all i can do is bow

because of Your goodness and Your sovereign grace

that You sweep me away

sweep me away in your love

nothing else matters

Your grace is covers me

Your love it covers me

Oh God, You cover me

"sweep me away"/ kari jobe

here i come, sweden! prepare the meatballs!

lulea's the second state from the top. yup, i'll be partying with the polar bears there. 200km away from the arctic. hohoho. might meet santa for tea though. pass me your wishlists soon!

Rest in Your Love

[1]

the voices, they're getting louder

it's getting harder to hear You

all the voices, they convolute

when all i want

is to rest in Your Love

[2]

I'm laying bare this unfiltered heart

breathe life into this crowded soul

when i struggle to speak the words

still You know, my every though

so i'm falling at Your feet

[C]

Won't You, won't You

come and bring me home?

I am, I am,

running back to You

[B]

and i need You, Lord

oh, i need You more...

come and fill my heart x 4

- Rest in Your Love/ min, sept 2009.

***

what came out of "cow time" during the retreat (:

snippets.

everyone's either way too busy or literally gone.

and/or about to leave for distant places

maybe, i might go too. but there's so much i can't bear to drop and go.

then again, people are coming home. so that's a bonus (:

kinda missing people.

people are approaching new beginnings and chapters in their lives

everyone finding a way to live life anew each day

is it just me or is life really going by so quickly?

brother's turning 21 in a week

mum and dad celebrated their 22nd wedding anniversary a couple of days ago

will i ever find someone to love deeply and unconditionally like they do?

to endure life's storms, to cry, laugh and love together,

to still hold hands and watch silly films together

to give hope to one another

to work through what's rough and tough.

the smelly sisters are growing up way too quickly

people are at their life's crossroads

making big decisions

venturing into places uncharted

dear friends, you mean a lot to me.

have we connected today?

***

having done breakthru' got me thinking:

yet again, do we see people yearning to be loved

young people wanting to be accepted

whose hearts will break for them?

who will accept them?

who will look at them differently,

welcome and take them in without fear of rejection or ingratitude?

who is willing to stand in the gap for them?

and tell them that God loves them

that there is yet hope for the future

that they can, go to a university

that they don't have to go down the path that they think is already set for them

people.

an irrefutably big part of our lives.

like what reinhardt bonnke said, introspection is incapacitation. who is willing to look beyond themselves and live? am i willing to look beyond myself to reach out to them?

***

i've come to realize how much my precious pcgs mean to me, both the old and the young one (:

YUMING! my super duper awesome co-pcgl!!! i hope you're reading this! :D i've come to realize that i love our girls so much - all of them so special and precious. it's funny because i see a bit of myself in some of them, and even more excitingly, who they will become in future, who they will grow to be - for each one to be lovers of God's heart, for each one to be women warriors after His heart, for each one to stand for His truth and for each one to grow deeper in love with Him and to behold His beauty all the days of their life.

yuming, our girls!

we're mommas. *pensive/satisfied smile*

there will be heartbreaks. it's crazy, but let's cry together and laugh together, live life, hope, love and walk this journey together (:

***

how is it that when i'm surrounded by people that i feel like it's not enough? it feels like there is more to life than having good friends and family and school. how can i give back? what can i do to help? what can i do to make a difference? i want to live with a purpose.

LOVE.

benjamin's note said: "love God, love His people."

am i doing that enough? are you?

start small.

***

i know i'm stressed because i'm entertaining thoughts from the stream of consciousness. and i know that i'm doubly stressed because i'm entertaining thoughts of escapism.

***

big dreams.

i've never dared to ask God for that because i was afraid of failing, because i was afraid of being ridiculed, i'm afraid. to follow my dreams. but i don't want to live life without a direction either, i don't want to live life without a great big central focus of what God wants me to do. even as i stand as a leader, i fear. even when leading a ministry with wonderful people, i fear. i fear my lack of dream, leadership and ambition. i fear my inadequacies. but i want it no more, coz God, You're made strong in my weaknesses! everyone has a calling and i want to know mine, in this time, in this now and in this place. and so, i asked God for it the other day. and i'm no longer afraid because when my God is for me, who can be against me?

above all else, i know that His plans are good.

You make all things beautiful in your time (:

i want to write and sing new songs. but i was afraid. but i'll try now because my heart beats fast when i think of what YOU can do through it and of the other possibilities that may open up. and there're the young people too -sigh- what is it, exactly? a small dream or a big dream? i yearn to do more.

***

how could i? while standing upfront before the congregation, while leading people into God's presence, be fearful of how others would perceive of me? but why should i care about these? what i should be doing is to worship with arms high and heart abandoned! to the One who gave it all. oh what foolish ways. until today, i still fear what people think of me; will i be esteemed in their eyes, and meet all of their expectations? men's praises - as much as they may matter, they don't matter as much as what God thinks. so why should i be so hung up about it?

why have i allowed the devil to strike my heel?

LIFE. i'm not living it fully because i let my insecurities hold me back.

i am silly.

even as i write this, i ask myself this question: how can i share about this with people, face to face and not feel the burn in my cheeks? not because i'm embarrassed, but because i worry about what you think of me. do i really think like that? yes, i do. would you understand? would you see from my perspective?

when will i ever learn? got.to.stop.it.

***

thank God for DSR next weekend, just sitting at Jesus' feet and connecting with people (: but, there's a ton of work to be completed before then and i may have to disappear during certain parts of it just to get my work done. oh well.

***

break free, i want that.

Lord, even in my brokenness, won't You shine through.

i want to lay hold of Your promises, RELISH,

and be whom You've intended me to be

and be good at it.

***

Psalm 139

1O LORD, you have searched me

and you know me.

2You know when I sit and when I rise;

you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.

4Before a word is on my tongue

you know it completely, O LORD.

5You hem me in—behind and before;

you have laid your hand upon me.

6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too lofty for me to attain.

7Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

8If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths,^a you are there.

9If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.13For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

15My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me

were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

17How precious to^b me are your thoughts, O God!

How vast is the sum of them!

18Were I to count them,

they would outnumber the grains of sand.

When I awake,

I am still with you.

and it's back to gulliver's travels.

quotables

This is an excerpt from Adrian Tan's speech at the convocation of students (class of 2008) at the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information (NTU).

Adrian Tan is a litigation partner at Drew & Napier LLC.

***

The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.

I didn't say "be loved"
That requires too much compromise.
If one changes one's looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.

Rather, I exhort you to love another human being.
It may seem odd for me to tell you this.
You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false.

Modern society is anti-love. We've taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings.
It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise.
Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance.
It is hard work - the only kind of work that I find palatable.

Loving someone has great benefits.
There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness.
In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way.
We learn the true worthlessness of material things.
We celebrate being human.
Loving is good for the soul.

Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person.
Despite popular culture, love doesn't happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor.
It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming.
It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.

You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.

You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated.
You are not doing it to be loved back.
Its value is to inspire you.

Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone.
You either don't, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology.
It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.

***

he forgives much, loves much.

he who forgives little, loves little.

Let love, mercy, kindness and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.

- proverbs 3:3

everyone needs a little

Come all ye weary and ye broken
Come to the table of the Lord
Come sing the song of the forgiven
Come lay your burden on the Word

Come and find
Peace everyone needs a little
Rest everyone needs a little
Joy and a song to sing in the darkest night
Life even when it gets you down
Hope will turn it all around
But love is the greatest of these
Everyone needs a little

Sing all ye saints and ye sinners
Call upon the mercy of the Lord
Come sing the song of redemption
Sing about the hope that is to come

He will lift you up
He will lift you up higher than sorrow
He will lift you up
And cover your soul with healing


everyone needs a little/ kari kobe

I have never walked on water
Felt the waves beneath my feet
But at Your word Lord
I'll receive Your faith to walk on oceans deep
And I remember how You found me
In that very same place
All my failings surely would have drowned me
Still You made a way

[c]
You are my freedom
Jesus You're the reason
I'm knneling again at Your throne
Where would I be without You
Here in my life
Here in my life

You have said that all the heavens
Sing for joy at one who finds the
Way to freedom truth of Jesus
Brought from death into this life
And I remember how You saw me
Through the eyes of Your grace
And though the price was Your beloved for me
Still You made a way

hello child

03.03.09

the sad things

i deleted the last entry coz i thought i was feeling a bit low and dreary and was being emo, and that perhaps my thoughts and my feelings were unfoundedly magnified and were maybe even unnecessary. but no, i dont think they are now. like what rudy said, he felt his heart repeatedly pierced this season and i do feel it too. broken people and hurting hearts, broken relationships and goodbyes. a lot of losses, yet at the same time a tiding of many good things. an overwhelming sense of pain and bittersweetness. how do you reconcile them all? yet, i know my God is in all this, yet i know He will see us through, that His plans are good and sovereign still.

poignantly and perhaps divinely so, i came across the lyrics of a mark schultz song, "cloud of witnesses", right before i got the news.


We watched them runnin' down the aisles,
Children's time, Sunday morning.
The preacher asked them who they loved,
They all smiled and started pointing to their mom,
Their dad,
The teacher from their kindergarten class;
And each and every one
Had just come from

A cloud of witnesses
That would see them through the years
Cheer them with a smile
And pray them through the tears
A cloud of witnesses that would see them to the end,
And shower them with love that never ends
A cloud of witnesses.

They stuck together through the years,
The best of friends faith could foster
So when they found out one of them
Had heard the news
He'd lost his father,
They ran to him
And prayed and put their hands upon his head,
And slowly one by one
They'd all become

A cloud of witnesses
As they sent above a prayer
They took a hold of hands and
circled 'round a friend
A cloud of witnesses with a faith just like a rock,
They helped him give his father back to God
As a cloud of witnesses

So when it comes the time
That heaven calls
They'll come running to see the ones who've gone before,
And made the journey home to find waiting for them at the finish line,
Cheerin happily they will run
and they will see

A could of witnesses
Lined up on a street of gold
As they run the final mile.
That leads them to a throne.
And through the cloud of witnesses
They see God upon the throne.
And as they fall into His arms,
They know they're home in
A cloud of witnesses,
Surrounded by a could of witnesses.

We watched them runnin down the aisles
Children's time
Sunday morning.



we're a cloud of witnesses.

as i grow older, i find myself becoming more impatient, less likely to trust, more judgmental and worse of all, making less and less effort to find out what's happening in the lives of others. a little more cynical and a little harder and a little more disgruntled. i am none the wiser.

gift

i want to sing to and for You

all the days of my life.

- credits: Jia'en Photography

lazy eye

it was my 2nd trip down to the optician on friday. and there, were my suspicions confirmed. i have a lazy left eye. my vision doesn't seem to focus very well on faraway objects even with the newly prescribed pair of eyeglasses. it felt heavy. it wasn't a physical heaviness but it was more of how my vision's weighted, hence the tiredness. optician ang says that my lazy eye is slight and that it should be corrected with lots of early nights and a good and healthy diet with loads of vitamin A. methinks that i need to borrow my bro's GNC membership card. this lazy eye resulted from prolonged wearing of my old over-prescribed pair of glasses, and well my eye's gone a bit wonky along with it, coupled with late nights and inadequate eye rest. this amounted to a non-balanced vision, a non-balanced eyesight.

you know how people say that the eyes are the windows to one's soul? i think there's some truth to it. i hate to agree with cheesy cliches, but oh well. i can't disagree with this one. it's interesting to know that the micro things in life may be reflecting the bigger ones.

my eyes are wonky because i have a log in one of them. i see the speck in a brother's eye without seeing the log in my own.

i think God's been constantly drawing my attention to this particular issue a lot these days, so much so that i cannot deny His hands working, that i cannot say that it's a coincidence, that i cannot run away from. because it's all around me. but no matter how God draws me to attention, it's done lovingly. luanie's fortuitous email from south africa sharing about what i was struggling with, wendy's sermon, pastor's sermon, a talk with wendy and rudy, disciple class readings... and now the lazy eye.

it was and still is an extremely humbling experience. having been so bent on being correct and shining that big bright spotlight on that wrongdoing of someone else's, but in turn having that light spotlighted on my own soul, on issues that i thought i had buried and put to rest a long, long time ago. surrendering isn't easy. surrendering my rights is painful because i have stop controlling, to satisfy the need to be right and to stop holding on to the security that i've constructed out of self-sufficiency and out of the need to protect myself to stepping out, onto the water, holding on to faith, which is nothing that can be seen, only believed. but what is certain and never-changing is how God makes all things beautiful and good in His time. i'm still at this stage of figuring out, at the stage of wondering what's next. but i'll wait and trust. i'll obey. things that don't make sense to me will be made sensible.

i'm so drained from the thinking, i've been so tired the past few days. the baggage that i carry, the weight that i lug around with me. the ball and chains of my soul. i've been packing my days with too many activities and kept on going though there were some signs along the way that pointed in the direction of rest and evaluation. sometimes i don't know why i do the things i do, doing the things that i don't want to do more than doing the things that i know i should be doing. i've been so steeped in self-sufficiency and dependency that i'm no longer sensitive to God and His voice, like putting on a bad pair of spectacles for so long that i've conformed to it.

but it's enough. it's done enough damage. my vision's unclear but i want to tune You in. i want to see through Your eyes with clarity, without a log. i'm back at ground zero, again. but make me teachable and prostrate at Your feet.

"So I went down to the potter's house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him." - Jer 18:3-4

breathe again.

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break free.

lay bare this unfiltered heart

a ponderous post.

is anyone ever ready enough to deal with a possible loss of a loved one?

is it wrong to question inevitability?

i dont want this

if it means you're preparing to leave us

the thought is too hard to bear

i'm reaching my hands to Yours
Believing there's so much more
Knowing that all You have in store for me is good

i'm setting my heart & mind on You

i'm unpacking.