and/or about to leave for distant places
maybe, i might go too. but there's so much i can't bear to drop and go.
then again, people are coming home. so that's a bonus (:
kinda missing people.
people are approaching new beginnings and chapters in their lives
everyone finding a way to live life anew each day
is it just me or is life really going by so quickly?
brother's turning 21 in a week
mum and dad celebrated their 22nd wedding anniversary a couple of days ago
will i ever find someone to love deeply and unconditionally like they do?
to endure life's storms, to cry, laugh and love together,
to still hold hands and watch silly films together
to give hope to one another
to work through what's rough and tough.
the smelly sisters are growing up way too quickly
people are at their life's crossroads
making big decisions
venturing into places uncharted
dear friends, you mean a lot to me.
have we connected today?
***
having done breakthru' got me thinking:
yet again, do we see people yearning to be loved
young people wanting to be accepted
whose hearts will break for them?
who will accept them?
who will look at them differently,
welcome and take them in without fear of rejection or ingratitude?
who is willing to stand in the gap for them?
and tell them that God loves them
that there is yet hope for the future
that they can, go to a university
that they don't have to go down the path that they think is already set for them
people.
an irrefutably big part of our lives.
like what reinhardt bonnke said, introspection is incapacitation. who is willing to look beyond themselves and live? am i willing to look beyond myself to reach out to them?
***
i've come to realize how much my precious pcgs mean to me, both the old and the young one (:
YUMING! my super duper awesome co-pcgl!!! i hope you're reading this! :D i've come to realize that i love our girls so much - all of them so special and precious. it's funny because i see a bit of myself in some of them, and even more excitingly, who they will become in future, who they will grow to be - for each one to be lovers of God's heart, for each one to be women warriors after His heart, for each one to stand for His truth and for each one to grow deeper in love with Him and to behold His beauty all the days of their life.
yuming, our girls!
we're mommas. *pensive/satisfied smile*
there will be heartbreaks. it's crazy, but let's cry together and laugh together, live life, hope, love and walk this journey together (:
***
how is it that when i'm surrounded by people that i feel like it's not enough? it feels like there is more to life than having good friends and family and school. how can i give back? what can i do to help? what can i do to make a difference? i want to live with a purpose.
LOVE.
benjamin's note said: "love God, love His people."
am i doing that enough? are you?
start small.
***
i know i'm stressed because i'm entertaining thoughts from the stream of consciousness. and i know that i'm doubly stressed because i'm entertaining thoughts of escapism.
***
big dreams.
i've never dared to ask God for that because i was afraid of failing, because i was afraid of being ridiculed, i'm afraid. to follow my dreams. but i don't want to live life without a direction either, i don't want to live life without a great big central focus of what God wants me to do. even as i stand as a leader, i fear. even when leading a ministry with wonderful people, i fear. i fear my lack of dream, leadership and ambition. i fear my inadequacies. but i want it no more, coz God, You're made strong in my weaknesses! everyone has a calling and i want to know mine, in this time, in this now and in this place. and so, i asked God for it the other day. and i'm no longer afraid because when my God is for me, who can be against me?
above all else, i know that His plans are good.
You make all things beautiful in your time (:
i want to write and sing new songs. but i was afraid. but i'll try now because my heart beats fast when i think of what YOU can do through it and of the other possibilities that may open up. and there're the young people too -sigh- what is it, exactly? a small dream or a big dream? i yearn to do more.
***
how could i? while standing upfront before the congregation, while leading people into God's presence, be fearful of how others would perceive of me? but why should i care about these? what i should be doing is to worship with arms high and heart abandoned! to the One who gave it all. oh what foolish ways. until today, i still fear what people think of me; will i be esteemed in their eyes, and meet all of their expectations? men's praises - as much as they may matter, they don't matter as much as what God thinks. so why should i be so hung up about it?
why have i allowed the devil to strike my heel?
LIFE. i'm not living it fully because i let my insecurities hold me back.
i am silly.
even as i write this, i ask myself this question: how can i share about this with people, face to face and not feel the burn in my cheeks? not because i'm embarrassed, but because i worry about what you think of me. do i really think like that? yes, i do. would you understand? would you see from my perspective?
when will i ever learn? got.to.stop.it.
***
thank God for DSR next weekend, just sitting at Jesus' feet and connecting with people (: but, there's a ton of work to be completed before then and i may have to disappear during certain parts of it just to get my work done. oh well.
***
break free, i want that.
Lord, even in my brokenness, won't You shine through.
i want to lay hold of Your promises, RELISH,
and be whom You've intended me to be
and be good at it.
***
Psalm 139
1O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths,a you are there.
9If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.13For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17How precious tob me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
and it's back to gulliver's travels.
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