the steam needs to escape somewhere

i'm so frustrated at having to come up with a research topic. i just can't seem to find the "perfect" topic to work on simply because i don't want to choose an something that is overdone. i want my work to stand out. it's true that you can choose a film that's a hot pick amongst other students and still excel in it as long as your work is original. but nothing, just NOTHING is coming out of the brain at all. i'm this close to throwing in the towel. but of course everybody knows that won't happen coz that would mean flunking a module. but you get my point. i am utterly, utterly frustrated. underscore, underscore underscore (!!!)

this semester is so much tougher as compared to the previous sem. So much more is expected of us this semster. 2000 plus words essays that require us to come draw up our own parameters and millions of compulsory readings to do. mommieeeeeeee! sigh. sometimes i wonder if this is where i'm truly meant to be. always saw myself of a lower calibre as compared to my schoolmates. these people are SO brilliant. period. and i know i'm not brilliant. the only way to make up for that is to be diligent on my part. doing my readings consistently and conscientiously.. but who am i kidding? i can't finish all my readings and i haven't even had time to revise. i'm going apecrapbananas right now.

there is just not enough time. there never is enough time for anyone at all. we all want Time. but really.. is Time the master of us or are we the masters of Time? i'd like to believe in the latter. we are the Masters of time. if not now, we WILL be the masters of Time, in time to come. ironically. do you get what i'm saying, no? okay. go to bed. no more reading of my blog for you. 

notice that when i'm spewing, not much of what i say makes sense except maybe it's a wee bit entertaining to read. ha. ARGH. 

i shall post a redemptive entry for this post. soon. ha.

but i know.. i know that God has placed me here for a reason, i know this is where i should be. but it's just so tough sometimes, you know? i know my God will see me through 2 twothousand words assignments, 1 major presentation and another 700 words vic lit. essay, and that there'll be enough time for me to finish my revision and get those so-awesome-hit-the-roof-and make-a-hole-in-it-and-fly-OVER-the-moon kind of grades. i know i know. oh God, help my unbelief and make me believe! 

i'll do my best & God will do the rest. 

tried and tested. 

it works (:

not as frustrated for the steam has found the vent.

running after You

"Jesus equated obedience with love (John 14:23). David was tenacious, determined, and sincerely devoted to following hard after God's commands.. but he was far from a model of biblical obedience. There was often a yawning gap between his sincere resolve and his actions. In other words, he blew it from time to time, sometimes in spades. Yet he was still a man after God's own heart. That should flutter your heart a bit! What does this tell us? That there's more to being a person after God's heart than obedience. There is also the posture of your heart before God. God counted the sincere intentions of David's heart even when his great weakness led him to wrong decisions.

God sees us the same way. Our sincere intentions to obey God are very significant to God.. Truth be told, we all start with immature love. Life is long because maturity takes time-often more time than we would like. Maturity requires time to develop, but sincere love of any maturity is real in God's eyes. It counts!

Most people beat themselves up over their weaknesses, but David saw God's heart more clearly than most of God's Old Testament servants and most Christian today. He understood that his deep-down determination to obey and love was valued by God even when He came up short. David's weaknesses were at times paraded before his countrymen, even written into Scripture. Yet he had an unsual ability to stand confidently before God and say "I am one of Your favourites. You like me even in my down times. I am completely Yours." This sincere determination to love Jesus even in the midst of our weakness is a huge part of being a man or woman after God's own heart. Our ability to obey will grow over time, but God doesn't treat us according to our obedience alone."

- Mike Bickle, After God's Own Heart.

sweetness

As humans, it's easy to be high on emotions and run ahead of ourselves. We're given the ability to rationalize but sometimes all that we heed is the tugging on our heartstrings. So many times we've all veered off the track because we let our feelings lead us. But above all, Truth should reign in our lives, shouldn't it?

Just last week, God taught me a precious lesson about this Truth - the Truth of His love. As the music of our lives fade, as all is stripped away, all that will remain, now and forever is God's everlasting love. But we catch ourselves looking for human love and acceptance all the time, sometimes in the wrong places. This human condition; this human love leads us to second guessing, where we feel uncertainty and fear, that what we expect to see may not come through.

Witnessing that uncertainty last week, I felt that fear that grip my heart so bad, I felt sick. But being reminded that I have God's love, that is in itself, a great source of comfort. Just knowing that His love never fails and that it is reciprocated and not unrequited, knowing that He first loved me before I did is so amazing a privilege I can't even put into words. Knowing that I, who is so imperfect and flawed, have a soft spot is His heart is beyond my comprehension. Knowing above all else, that His love is the love that matters the most, is the only Love that is enough to satisfy.

Through all of life's disappointments and celebrations, God's still, small voice reminds me that He loves and He's always here. His love, is the most pure and perfect. Where there're no disapointments and fears, where only goodness, joy and peace is found. A love that is so adequate, it fills every hole in my heart, filling that God-shaped hole. For too long, i've been filling up these gaps with things that don't seem to matter now. I'm made whole in You.

Jesus, You're the sweetness and the joy of my heart, in the most tender and vulnerable places of my soul. i love You, Lord. for Your love is greater than anything and everything.

disturbed sleep

this really is quite horrible. i've been having different nightmares every single night since last week. sometimes i get 2 dreams in a night's sleep. those are really bothersome beacuse i wake up feeling absolutely unrested. argh. what's worse is that these nightmares feel so real, as though it's happening in real time.

just last night, i dreamt that dad and i had a huge fight. so i woke up panicking this morning, only to realize it was just a dream... but i smsed my dad and told him that i love him. haha. just the other night, i dreamt that i was being held down and i tried so hard to scream but only to be greeted with nothingness. i woke up to my own muffled screams.

how i hate these nightmares! i hate being afraid and not knowing what to do to resolve the situations in my dreams. these disturbed nights are taking its toll on me.. i feel restless and my mind's constantly flooded with thoughts and i can't focus on anything for long.

maybe i should pray over my room and myself and renounce whatever that is causing these nightmares. oh God, please help me sleep better... i desperately need it, but of course i need Your peace even more..

paiseh

so embarassing.

so i went over to luanie's on thursday evening. i went into the lift with an uncle. he pressed the button for level 4, and me, level 7. i happily smsed away. when the uncle stepped out of the lift, i thought it was the 7th floor. so i walked out to unit XXX, in hopes of reaching luanie's loft. still totally oblivious to the fact that i got off at the wrong floor.

i knocked and a lady answered.

she didn't look the least bit familiar. suddenly... it dawned upon me that i'm at the wrong place! =x

me: hi, does Qiuluan live here?
lady: who's Qiuluan? do you mean Jazreel?
me: ... erm. i think i got the wrong place. sorry!


i was supposed to go to #07-XXX. instead, i wound up at #04-XXX.

hahaha.. why am i always caught in such embarassing situations? but this really wasn't too bad. i've experienced worse. hahaha. oh dear me.

randomies

i.need.to.run.

i feel soooo unfit! haven't been exercising in awhile and the flu's making it worse. i really want to hit the track again or at least swim some laps. the sun is so absolutely great these days! it's annoying how i get sick when i most want to exercise. bummer =x feasting has done me no good at all. bleurgh.

and tmr's valentine's day. has always been a day with no significance for me. but lots of people make a really great deal out of it. maybe coz they're attached. but honestly, everyday can be valentine's day. you dont need a unique day to make someone feel extra special when you can do it any other day. agree, no? but anyhoodles, luanie invited me over to her place for dinner! yippers! (: heeeheee... talk about no feasting huh? habits die hard.

and i really need to finish my readings.

toodles.

"For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." (luke 6:45) / what purity is not

this is so beautiful.

i hope this speaks to all of you just as it spoke to me. i came across this piece of writing while reading Eeleen's blog. (a blog introduced by Jaime) i don't even know her personally but wow, this girl has left me in awe. reading her blog has really inspired me in many ways. her heart just overflows with love for Jesus and the best part being, she keeps everything real (:



A pure heart is not ignorance about evil in the world,
and staying in a sterile-holy-huddle,
but being tempted without giving in.

A pure heart is not unknown to hurts,
but forgives, accepts the pain, and responds in grace and letting go.

A pure heart is not one with a nirvana-type free of desire,
but choosing to put His agenda first about all else to seek First.

A pure heart is not one that is oblivious to the flaws of others’ hearts,
but sees the dichotomies & hypocrisies in people’s lives and persists to see the beauty in them.

A pure heart is not one that has never been attacked, or had its motivations and desires questioned,
but rather, having been criticized and put down, holds true to a good conscience and what God has placed in it.

A pure heart is not one kept in box, wrapped and protected from vulnerability,
but has been open, risks, reaches out, and persists to do so, even when broken.

A pure heart is not one that is free from cares,
but allows it to be burdened by the needs of other people beyond your own.

purity, not innocence. wisely guarded, but not callous.broken, but alive.
and looking unto Jesus again, i'm amazed at how He sees the depths of our hearts and all of the sin and ugliness happening the world today, and persists to love us. to see the potential in His church. and still look forward to a Bride like that. imagine that! i would just shut down and be forever jaded if i really knew every thought in the blackend hearts of men, and witnessed the very events of sin and evil in newspapers all over the world.

but His is the purest heart of all.

so today, the heart feels well enough to flow again.

"For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." (luke 6:45)

- taken from Eeleen's Blog

irrelevant, maybe.

met up with dear Jaime yesterday over some scones (the jam scored major points btw *grin*) at Foster's after sending stra-lians and trackers: Woei Xi, Shawn, Gabriel, Wendy & Joyce, off at the airport. had a great lunch at NUS Art's Can with ah seng, kelwin, junlong, yuming and taupok too. funfunfun(: hanging with these guys always put a smile on my face (:

of late, i've been feeling tired and listless. the mad week is over but its effects are long-lasting i suppose. and after staying flubug-free for a record breaking 7 months, the bugger has returned. and that is why i didn't go to school today. i've never felt so tired and sick in a long time. i slept my afternoon away but i did manage to do some reading.. don't really feel like going to school for just an hour's worth of tutorial =x but i must. my body seems to protesting against any form of work though... *yawns*

and i want to write well. i've been reading much these days and have been marvelling at how good these writers are at their craft. even reading random blogs leave me in awe sometimes. the language they use, their heartfelt thoughts resounding in their pieces. it's like their words jump out at you and even for those that don't particularly relate to any part of us, the deep passion and conviction of their beliefs either tugs at your heartstrings or just causes you to feel this warm, tingly sensation in your chest. and i wonder how they manage to do that. i always like to read stuff that leaves me feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. or well, at least leave me with something to chew on for awhile.

that was rather random. my whole entry today has been random. randomly jumping from topic to topic. probably reflects the plethora of random thoughts that race through my mind. speaking of mind, i'm so upset with myself that i can't seem to retain bits of information for long. it's as though my memory's ability to remember is in decline. and that really scares me. perhaps it's due to the lack of rest and sleep. i'm certain that waking at 430am yesterday morning is taking its toll on me though i caught up on some sleep today.

hrms. still sitting on some thoughts.

i think i've been relaxing and resting to much. that's bad.

fluff

ooooooooo, haven't blogged in a really long time. i wanted to say that my life's boring but then i realized that too many things had happened so it disqualifies "MINYI'S LIFE" from the "BORING" category. maybe coz i haven't had time to reflect. and how did i ever come to the conclusion that my life's boring?! i am sure i'm no boring person. muahahah =x well, i'd like to believe that i'm not boring... okay this is rathering becoming of a narcisstic person. haahaha.

i think i know why i hardly blog these days. that's coz i'd spend SO much time thinking of what to blog about an then spend another hour thinking if it's okay to put it online.. yeah i know, ridiculous. haha. actually, i'm worried that what i blog about stumble other people or should i say, i'm self-conscious? being too concerned of what people think of me. well, that totally defeats the purpose of having a blog, isn't it? people read my blog to "catch up" with me and if i don't be honest, everybody will only know the superficial level of what's going on my very not-boring life (: haha... ahh well..

on a completely different note, this year's CNY has been rather quiet... bummer. i was looking forward to seeing my relatives! but all 4 of us have been stuck at home. boohoo. but i'm in no position to complan coz my poor brother has to study for his midterms. it's terrible to have to study amidst all the hustle and bustle of celebrating a festive occasion.. i shall be nice and accompany him to do work. but maybe not.. i have work but i'm in denial.. *stares into space*

okays shall blog more later. asta la vista baby! heh.

---------------------------------------

orgh. i feel like someone stuffed cotton wool down my windpipe. i can't seem to breathe properly. my throat feels like sandpaper and my nose, needless to say, is 80% stuffed. bad time to fall ill. not when there's such a great spread of food! ): think it's worst when you can't get to sleep.. like now.. boohoo..

it was really nice and great to have steffi, junlong, clarence, ray and cheesiong over today! our conversations were randomly random. haha. thank God for wonderful friends like them (: yay! it was a pity that the rest couldnt join us though... next time i guess! (:

no more

i'm going to abstain from msn. yes i am.

thanks-living!

i went for prayer meeting today...and i realized how glad i am to have made the decision to join the English Fellowship. today's session was so incredibly uplifting. for awhile, i've been filling my mind with dissatisfaction, letting it run wild with my imagination. stifling and depriving myself of God's peace and maybe even unknowingly disallowing God to work in my life by choosing to give in to my desires and complaints. i've been whining and wishing that i had this and that, wanting things that i know God doesn't want me to have because 'tis isn't the season.

but when Jean & JQ shared about how thankful they are for being where they are, for all that God has blessed them so much with; for all the little things, i felt a pang of guilt. i had an epiphany then - God has given me so much but i've been completely and intentionally blind to it. i feel so bad.. yet glad that i know where i went wrong. He's really given me a lot but i just don't cherish it. idiosyncrasies of being human huh?

JQ reminded us to live a life of thanks: thanks-living, which i thought was really quite inspirational. rather apt reminder for us when we start to complain yeah?

a life of thanksgiving. i want the world to see Jesus in me.

and i'm so thankful that the prayer group has been growing in numbers, really thank God for that. amazing. woohoo! and i've decided to be a worship leader for crusade. i'm excited. really am. yet i'm a bit fearful. but i shall have faith. coz i know that if my God's for me, who can be against me? i want to use my giftings and use them well man.

God, You're so good.
please don't let our eyes ever sway from the cross
and that we'll carry our cross for You
to be the salt & light for You.
Amen.

realization?

so debbie and i were talking about first school days and i realized that hey.. i've got a really interesting first day of school to talk about!

so here's an update for first day of school!!!

*WARNING: this following post will not be of reflective content. just.. blabber me. or maybe, i just might sound like an airhead, but it's my blog, so my prerogative. haha.* peace sign.

it was GREAT (: finally met my uni friends after a long (okay fine it was only a little over a month. but you get my point) hiatus. i missed them so much. all the crazy talk over HL104. psychotic analysis of each other. displacements and denials, freudian slips. haha. the good old days.. and i found out that one of my lecturer's a filipino and another an american so far. what a mix. i've always found the campus to be an eclectic mix of people be it of diverse nationalities or justst personalities. people-watching on campus is really fun. full of surprises (:

i made three new friends yesterday. one of them's really cute though. BUT I JUST HAD TO EMBARASS MYSELF INFRONT OF HIM. *digs hole and hides face*. so you see, this guy was in one of my modules last semester. and he happened to always sit infront of me. so i noticed he had a shirt that has his name on it. but he never saw me ard before even though we've talked?? (sad face)(that line just sounds like it came off a hollywood highschool chick flick)HAHA. yeah anw, so yest my friend introduced us and he introduced himself. i said i know who you are coz it's on your shirt. and he started searching his shirt . and i said: oh not this shirt, your other shirt. the moment i blurted that out was the moment when i realized that that was a completely weird thing to say to a stranger! well at least for the first few lines to a new found friend! macham stalker! and inside, i was going: MINYI!!!!! or i saw myself disappearing into thin air, or turning in the other direction and run off (think kungfu hustle with the speedy the road runner runnin motions). basically, i was berating myself mentally. like... AHHH!!! i feel so shy right now. if he ever turns out to be one of my tutorialmates, i'll just balk. haha. but i'll live through it. been through many embarassing episodes before and i'm still alive and not with my face buried in some hole.

i think debbie summed that experience up well: you're always doing this sort of things. like a pro. HAHA. how true. i always have the most embarassing run-ins with the most unexpected of people =x if you read the earlier posts, you would know what i mean. but the best thing that debs said: ah, but nevermind. he's cute. HAHA. yeah he's cute, so should i hope that he's a himbo? tat he'll magically forget what happened? haha... nah not gg to happen. he's too smart and God-fearing already. good catch actually.

nope i did not just post that on a publicly viewed blog. no i did not.

***

ANYWAY. lectures were fantastic. i loved survey of eng lit 2 and communications class! both surpassed my initial expectations. they actually good! though the seniors didnt give rave reviews for it. so now, i have even greater expectations of future classes (: so that's a good thing. for the record, i'm looking forward to later's lectures. yup it's 230am in the morn but i can't get to sleep. singapore lit and victorian lit, here i come! i'm so excited. YES! (:

i think i'm going to need coffee tmr morning. 4 hours of lectures. back-to-back. the horror the horror! but bring it on mann...

in the meantime,
goodnight world (:



*ps: i have a lot of thoughts about relationships, will prolly talk about it in the next post.

surge

i'm heartened and so thankful that my sisters know what it means to run the race for God, to know and understand God with such conviction. seeing them try their utmost best to live a life that is pleasing to Him is an incredible encouragement.

i can't ask for more.

a breeze that assures me of You

you'll go forth a little stronger
with a fresh supply of grace
if each day you meet the Saviour
in a secret, quiet place.
- Adam


i have finally gotten down to doing my stock-taking for the past year.

plenty of regrets and heartaches, but definitely more than enough sunshine to make up for gloomy times. 2007 was indeed the most eventful year of my life. post A levels, volunteering at beyond, working at a student care centre, doing gigs, fusion, started driving, A level results, co-planning youth sunday, cambodia mission trip, youth com, camps, shopping sprees, by God's grace, got into uni, baptism, wonderful wonderfully sweet birthday surprise (: met so many wonderful people. made the greatest friends ever and met the most unexpected turn of events. people whom i never thought i'll be friends with are now the closest of the closest. just did so much that i can't even finish recounting them.

but what's most important, apart from enjoying the tangibles is the fact that it has been an incredible year of blessings - blessings that were given beyond measure. it has been an amazing year of growth and strengthening, healing and forgiving. a year of forging new and stengthening old friendships, a year of growth in faith and strength. perhaps a year of testing and hurt, yet everything turns out for good. it has truly been a wonderful year of thanksgiving. a year filled with the Lord's grace. a year where i saw myself stepping up in more areas than one, hoping to give yet received so much more in return.

this is gonna be an abrupt change of flow of thought. but to my dear JC friends (shania, eugenia, pearls, jane) and to my awesome family, i feel like i've neglected you guys this year. and i'm sorry. i've been taking all of you for granted yet you guys stuck closer than ever. and i can't ever be thankful enough for that. i want to make up for it. thank you all for being so forgiving, understanding. sometimes i ask myself, what have i done to deserve such love and concern? and i realized i've done nothing. nothing at all. yet, you guys have given it all to me.

love you so much! (:

i'm leaving behind a year of somewhat lost pain, melancholia and of lamenting, but at the same time, i'm moving forward with a fresh new burst of hope and strength, armed with a wealth of experiences, precious memories and underserved blessings, a heart brimming with joy and anticipation. cheers to a whole new year of self-discovery and growth in the pursuit of righteousness.

for Christ.




Beholding your beauty is all I long for
To worship You Jesus with my soul's desire
For this very heart you've shaped for your pleasure
The purpose to lift your name high

Hear and surrender in pure adoration
I enter your courts with an offering of praise
I am Your servant come to bring you glory
As is fit for the work of your hands

The spirit now living and dwelling within me
Keep my eyes fixed ever upon Jesus' face
Let not the things of this world ever sway me
I'll run 'till I finish the race

reflect?

so much is going through my head. lots of thoughts for 2007 and for 2008. dont know where to even begin. regrets yes. ebullient moments yes. mixed feelings yes. too much to say. inadequacy to speak yes. rah.

and i've been collecting gorgeous notebooks. which i'm never ever gonna be able to finish using.

grateful

oh God, You're so good, so faithful! (:

i've gotten my results! did better than expected and i'm really REALLY happy; like totally over the moon man. haha. but everything's by God grace. how He saw me through my exams was incredible, to bless me with my yay! results is even more incredulous.

it's true.

do your best and God will do the rest. whee! (:

thankYou Jesus!

free

i'm free and i'm coming back to the heart of worship.

here i am oh God
i bring this sacrifice
my open heart
i offer up my life
i look to You, Lord
Your love that never ends
restores me again

you

should i toughen my resolve?

that painted face

opening up to people is always a liability. because you're vulnerable. you reveal your innermost thoughts and fears. people see you for who you are. you dont know what they're thinking. most worrisome of all, you dont know if they're judgemental.

but i give thanks that most people i know aren't like that. i give thanks that my close friends aren't like that.

i onlywant to overcome this selfishness and this fear. it's hard. but it can be made easier. i hope.