must watch.

growing is forever

hello you (:

yes, the blog's back up again. bigger and bad-der than ever. ha. i'm kidding. i've been reading through old entries and realized how much of a jaded person i've become, a tad bit more cynical about life and that led to some rather depressing posts. and i was afraid of how much i may have become a stumbling block, hence the decision to close it for a little while. 

many things have happened in recent months and it was definitely a period of transitions, decisions and adjusting, coping. as most of you already know, dad suffered a sudden stroke in the earlier part of the year and many changes took place at home. but truly, the Big Guy up there's watching over dad, 'coz he's recovering so well, so quickly that he's already back at work, working half-days. it cannot be attributed to anything less than that of a miracle, of God's mercies (: 

it occurred more jarringly to me that people leave us everyday... in a short span of a week, 4 friends of mine have suffered the loss of a loved one, grappling with the reality of those have gone before them. i see death. so close. so real. that i'm no longer feeling invincible because of my youth. when i look at dad, i cannot help but think, "it could've been daddy". the transience and the brevity of life. but having the reassurance that death is not an end but a beginning of a much fuller life with Jesus is a great comfort... but i'm just glad that dad, you're still here. i'm just glad that you're still telling me that you need the seat belt whenever i drive.

the day dad suffered his stroke was also the day i felt most exhausted. december had been a great flurry of activities both in church and at home. i was feeling stretched. and school began only 2 days later. and then more work, important decisions that i wrestled with and had to make, meetings, errands to run. it felt like a long 2008. this exhaustion followed me through and through. and well, led to all the depressing posts. 

but through it all, there was a light in the darkness that shone so brightly, giving hope to all the world, hope to all of us. and that is Jesus. it's incredible to behold, really, that as i look back at the long nights at the hospital, especially of the one spent outside the ICU, there was a peace and sense of calm that surpassed all understanding, guarding all our hearts. we trusted God for dad, to make all things good in His time, that He'd see us though. 

and He did. look at dad now (:

this blog post definitely serves as a reflection of sorts, of the long year that has passed. as i sat pondering about things for the last few days, reading through some old cringe-worthy posts which have been deleted or at least hidden somewhere, writing an essay on values and beliefs, God seems to be whispering ever so gently to me of how growing is forever, of how a tree will bear fruit after being pruned; that i have come a long way, from how i was lost to being found, to falling to running, and falling again, but ultimately always being picked up by His loving arms. of just being honest with Him.

growing is forever.

so yes, a new blogskin for a new start, for a "new" year (:

thank you too, to all who have come alongside my family and i to cheer us on, for praying and just being there. for family who gave strength through acts of service, and everyone at church - uncles and aunties, pastors and dearest friends who rallied around us in ways intangible and tangible. it would've been so much harder without you. thank you (:

helplessness has its way of paralyzing me

away you, into that small box

losing insight

it seems lately i've been getting caught up in myself

worried about how i am perceived

i'm going inward

thinking too much about myself

losing insight into others' pain

i look to You

and see a selflessness that confounds me

it's so different

from this selfishness that exists in me

You're so beautiful

take my heart

mould it to Yours

i wana be like You

my focus is getting me down

i'm comparing myself with my own friends

it's cutting me off from life 

from living what it means to be giving

i want to decide to love more

than desiring to be loved

thanks for Your patience, God

Your forgiveness is the thing that gets me out

i look to You

and see a selflessness that confounds me

it's so different

from this selfishness that exists in me

You're so beautiful

take my heart

mould it to Yours

i wana be like You

my God sweat blood for me onto the Cross so i might see

and know what it means to love

You're so beautiful

take my heart

mould it to Yours

i wana be like You

like You/ Sarah & Jonathan Otto

so caught up

i typed a whole chunk of words only to decide that they were ... in fact, they were so horribly whiny and accusatory. 

- sigh -

why, oh why.

i was just talking to shern and telling her that it's so difficult to just drop it all and run to God, into His arms. and she said it's just like running on a threadmill; you can't get off it unless someone pulls the plug. so true. and it's so strange why i think this way even after knowing that He holds the future in His hands and would want the best for me in every circumstance. yet, I still choose not to run to Him, but to chug on scuttling around, checking to-do lists, reading furiously. it seems as though my brain never rests. i go to bed with a million thoughts and i wake up feeling the same. sometimes feeling even more exhausted.

i felt afraid today. in fact, i've been feeling this way for the past coupla days because of school. i'm lagging behind. and there's ministry that i know i haven't put all my heart and effort into it. and now pressing decisions to make. all these, in spite of knowing that God is in control:

O you of little faith

see the sparrows in the sky

unencumbered by the cares of the world

I feed even them

clothe the lilies of the field

how much more to Me are you worth than these?

I gave My Son for you

- It's Alright/ Melissa Otto. 

adapted from Matthew 6: 25-34

like what eeleen said on her blog, i feel like throwing a kiddy tantrum with God, demanding that He'd do something good now and fill me up to the uttermost. 

i really need to drop it all. and run to Him.

really, i need to catch my breath.

and i'm such a bad decision maker. pfft.

i don't know - Lisa Hannigan

this is way cute! so honest, in a: this-is-me! kinda way. and just aiyo, cute. haha i wana sing a song like that one day too (:

I don't know what you smoke or what countries you've been to if you speak any other languages other than your own but I'd like to meet you I don't know if you drive if you love the ground beneath you I don't know if you write letters or panic on the phone still I'd like to call you all the same, if you want to, I am game.

I don't know if you can swim or if the sea has any draw for you if you're better in the morning or when the sun goes down I'd like to talk to you I don't know if you can dance if the thought ever occurred to you if you eat what you've been given or push it round your plate still I'd like to cook for you all the same, I would want to, I am game,

If you walk my way and I could keep my head we could creep away in the dark or maybe not, we could shoot it down anyway.
[ Lisa Hannigan Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ] 

I don't know if you read novels or the magazines if you love the hand that feeds you I assume that your heart's been bruised I know I'd like to know you you don't know if I can draw at all or what records I am into if I sleep like a spoon or rarely at all or maybe you would do? maybe you would do

if I walk your way I will keep my head we will feel our way through the dark though I don't know you I think that I would do I don't fall easy at all

inertia

it's been awhile since i've been back to this korner of cyberspace. yea, i do miss blogging. it's definitely one of the most therapeutic therapies that i put myself through to achieve a cathartic effect. or maybe not so cathartic.  not that extreme, i reckon.  so much has happened within the past 2 months. a whole whirlwind of events. was just tellin' Wei about all that's heaped in front of me. so much to surrender in prayer for.. it's scary to see how things that need to be done just pile up, like that. like *snap* and there they are...

inertia. is definitely present.

ah well. 

time has got to go slower! futile.

May people smell the fragrance of our lives and praise God for it :)

it's alright

it felt good to be back in church on sunday, after being absent for 2 weeks. i remembered saying a short prayer before entering the sanctuary... to be refreshed, to just meet with Hm. that morning had been a cranky one and i felt weary at the end of the week, knowing that i needed to meet with Him in the secret, quiet place and i was looking forward to worship the most, the medium that God often uses to encourage and comfort me. and He did just that.

the Ottos, an australian band visited my church and the songs they sang just brought tears to my eyes.. such heartfelt and most tenderly written lyrics. it reminded me so much of His promise and of above all, His overarching love.



it's alright
He's by my side
and He'll take good care of me

it's alright
He's on my side
and He knows
my every need

He said
O you of little faith
see the sparrows in the sky
unencumbered by the cares of the world
I feed even them
clothe the lilies in the field
how much more to Me are you worth then these?

it's alright
i'm by your side
and i'll take
good care of you

it's alright
i'm on your side
and i know
all that you go through

He said
when you're at your lowest of lows
I want you to know
I think more of you
then what you could yourself

My love is deeper than the oceans
wider then the valleys
higher than the mountain tops
I gave my Son for you

i said
You formed then fought for my heart
O Father how great thou art
i know all that You are
seems too good but it's true

You made me then saved me
love me unconditionally
Father of mine
how did You give up Your Son for me?

thankful

coz God, You're sovereign

there is yet hope 

there is strength

there is resilience

above all

there is Love

and until all hope & love is lost (which is never)

there will be no wandering.

because Jesus is everlasting

because Jesus is our rock on which we stand

because Jesus is Jehovah Rophe 

our Healer

our Deliverer

the Lover of our souls

because Jesus is Hope

our hope shall never fail

and all the way 

shall my Savior lead

oh man. 1 week left before school starts all over again. more time! more time!

it's been really quite busy and i'm tired, but satisfied. give me me time.

connections don't stay connected forever

so much work

but you're not picking up your hoe

sian la

check-up

christmas is here (: there's so much to be thankful for, yet i can't seem to place my finger on a certain heaviness. hmm. pretty much a similar syndrome that rudy and i seems to be going through. funnily, we're both serving in the worship team together this sunday. and well, it can't be a coincidence that we're both feeling the same way. i think it's Jesus re-wiring some parts of our hearts, eh? and i'm excited to be serving again (: but there's always a certain element of undercutting that takes place to sorta rob me of that joy of serving. just before you do smth for Him, something happens and *snap*, the joy and the anticipation of doing something for Jesus just goes. there's always a certain something that happens every christmas that makes me feel that much more attuned to a particular hurt. yet, i know He makes all things beautiful and i'm looking forward to that (:

blogging about personal thoughts, about the tussles in life, the ups and downs of serving, of being in ministry, its joys and pains, the almost constant check-ups of my heart of knowing who He is. especially in this season (i think i've had more time and work done in church this season than any other time.. not complaining but enjoying it, really. despite heartaches nonetheless), reveals that much of my vulnerability as a person to you, who is reading this right now. i know my blog is only mostly open to my close friends and young punks (i know you spy on me! haha. but you know i love sharing my life with you guys though you may not necessarily think likewise. heh.) whom i trust and i know i'm not judged by you.. i hope! haa. but it makes me wonder what you think of me when perhaps all you read about are struggles. no, i'm not always like that... in fact i'm positively happy and upbeat most of the time (: i'm sure you already know that. perhaps that is why this is what puzzles you when you read about all these. but i find solace in words, in writing. helps me straighten all that's in knots inside. but i still blog about life's blessings, big and small what... haha.

for much of what i've written, i've written with this one thing in mind: to share with you who i am, with you my friend, my honesty of being real with struggles in life, with Jesus in all of them.. or at least i try to. but it doesn't make me some emo zealot. life still goes on, but these make me that much more attuned and sensitized to everyone and everything. i want to share about Jesus - how He has worked in my life, how He's made me who i am today (: that He is my stronghold, one that i know never falls. Someone so close to my heart that gives me strength for every rough patch. and i'm certainly not perfect... but in Him i find chance. i find grace. i find renewal. acceptance and never rejection. love so perfect that i'm not afraid to be me.

at the same time, it is also a chronicle of all the great people in my life, in celebration of awesome friendships and of the great love you guys, friends and family, all my loved ones, have given/shared/taught me about (:

the cosmetic company, Maybelline's tagline is: "because you're worth it". and i hope that this vulnerability of who i am to you, is worth it.

a heart & head check-up is what it is everytime i blog. yeah, it is. it's funny how i came online with the intention of blogging a couple of lines to tell you guys that i have so so much to blog about, really awesome stuff (: gig at an army camp and all, but don't have much time to do so right now. and all these other slew of words came right out.

ah well. stream of my human consciousness.

the gig is in 2 days time and i don't have my full voice back.

escapade

okay it's official. i'm not allowed to go for youth camp anymore. sigh.

i've been home for 6 days now. and i never thought the day where i'd balk at the mention of porridge, would come. i've been eating that for lunch and dinner for the past week. so sick of it. 

on a less depressing note, the weather today is oh so wonderfully fabulous... the sun's out in its full glory. beeeaaaauuutiful blue skies and nice white fluffy clouds, some wispy like cotton candy, others marshmellow fat. haha. marshmellow fat eh? and marshmellow is now an adjective. haa. it's comfy to have a cool breeze to accompany me whilst blogging and reading (: i feel like i'm on a mini vacation minus the light-headedness. rar. 

i wonder how everyone's doing at camp. i bet they're having a swell time. Lord, continue to keep them safe and healthy that they may come to know You even more. a time most well spent with one another and most of all, with You (:

i looked to the skies today

and i know You're there (:

black hawk down

hmphs.

i'm supposed to be at youth camp now. but argh.. silly flu bug. i thought i was well enough to go for camp considering how the fever has abated and all. but just as we were preparing to board the buses, i felt queasy, sick and rather light-headed. argh and i had to make the decision to go home. but i know i need the time to rest. the fever and all the drugs in my system accumulated to make me feel really weak - knees felt a bit wobbly today and my hands shaky and the mind seems to be working only at half speed. orgh.. sloooowwwww.... but then again, i think me falling ill is a blessing in disguise (: like people stepping up to take my place. awesome. i hope i get to go for the last couple of days. 

eagle out.

yeesters

it's the holidays and i'm feeling so overwhelmed. i just want to retreat, sit in a corner and not do anything. hugs would do wonders right now. for someone to remind me why i'm doing what i'm doing. for someone to remind me that it's not in vain. for someone to appreciate and affirm me. for someone to tell me that you won't judge me, for friends to feel safe with and not secondary. to be in a place where you'd be truthful. for someone to tell me that you're a genuine friend, that you'd lend me your hand and your shoulder. 

i feel so. alone.

Jesus, i know You're there and You're enough. 

You're enough

give me Jesus

to be set straight

A Time for Everything

 1 There is a time for everything, 
       and a season for every activity under heaven:

 2 a time to be born and a time to die, 
       a time to plant and a time to uproot,

 3 a time to kill and a time to heal, 
       a time to tear down and a time to build,

 4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, 
       a time to mourn and a time to dance,

 5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, 
       a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

 6 a time to search and a time to give up, 
       a time to keep and a time to throw away,

 7 a time to tear and a time to mend, 
       a time to be silent and a time to speak,

 8 a time to love and a time to hate, 
       a time for war and a time for peace.

- ecclesiastes 3:1-8