STOP!!! i can't catch up! i can't... i'm so tired.

turn my eyes upon Jesus

so much has happened within the past month; have been rather busy with things. hence, the lack of posts. perhaps not.. maybe i could attribute some of that to procrastination, somewhat. i feel compelled to blog but i'm not sure what i want to talk about anyway. i apologize to my loyal readers who have been coming to this blog for the past month and not being able to see a fresh new post...

anyway, i've been feeling tired. but i'm pretty sure that has something to do with poor time management. it's the holidays and i've been lacking in so much discipline. much have been done, but there is still more to do. and i want to be excited to do them; with a joyful and willing heart. somehow, i'm feeling neither right now. i don't feel excited about ministry. somehow, i feel like i'm just going with the flow, with the motions. perhaps that is why i'm not replying to my ministry emails because i want to sort myself out before doing so. don't want to give crappy ideas just because i have to. disgusting work etiquette, that is. but not replying mails quickly is tardy too. but delaying is the lesser of the two evils. it will be done tmr!

when i attended Go Forth Conference last week, a speaker said this one line that struck me most: "when you truly love someone, nothing is a sacrifice".

he went on to say that the same principle applies to loving Jesus. what we do Him shouldn't be a sacrifice because we love Him so much, everything is done with a willing heart. a random illustration of that concept is this: just like how XX's girlfriend lives in braddell but his gf casually mentions that she has a craving for some icecream. because XX loves her so much, he travels all the way to braddell from boon lay and does not think that that is a sacrifice at any degree. then again, most people will say that he's dumb la, which i kinda agree. just tell her to go to the mama shop downstairs to buy some la. haha.. but that's not the point.

but then again, this is something open to debate: there's no sacrifice in true love because if you really do love someone, sacrifice becomes an act of love. but it is a beautiful perspective to have to look at things, isn't it? but human beans being human beans, it's tough for us to do just that.

to love Jesus with all my heart and soul and mind... that my sacrifices be counted as the pouring out of my oil of love.

that aside, i've been feeling just a little bit jaded. because i miss you. like what Jaime said on her blog, the non-conversations breaks my heart. i miss talking to people, heart-to-heart, that is. i'm glad i caught up with jaim on sunday and am doubly glad coz luanie & yilin is home (: yay! i'm meeting luanie on thursday and yilin on sunday! but sigh, i just miss everyone. i feel disconnected all of a sudden... i don't know what's happening in your life, i don't know how i can be a friend to you. for some, we hardly talk anymore and i hope you know i'm still here (: friends come and go, but for as much as possible, i want to hold on to each and every one because i treasure and cherish them so.

ah, it's been exhausting. physically and emotionally.

find rest, find rest in Jesus.

the world has gone quiet now

oh what a joy it is!

it's been some time since i last heard a song like that (click the button on the right!) .. so... full of hope and joy (: not one of those cotton candy faith songs where you only praise when things are good, rather to praise in every situation, to praise, always.

indeed Lord, i will sing of Your mercies and rejoice in You always (:

am i?

Laid-back Doer (LD)

Laid-back Doers are friendly, happy persons. They enjoy being together with other people. Smart, eloquent, witty and charming, they like to be the centre of attraction. They do not like to be alone. Their zest for life ensures that others feel well in their company and that they quickly get to know people. Laid-back Doers get the best out of every moment - many people of this type have a gift for making their whole life one big party. Boredom is unknown in their presence because they are very good at carrying others away with their enthusiasm, their good mood and their optimism.

Abstract thinking and profound philosophising about the meaning of life appeal less to Laid-back Doers. They are pragmatic, realistic and live completely in the here and now. At work too, they prefer it when it’s all go and they can act out their purposeful manner to the full. They have no problem handling several tasks at once and they blossom out in crisis situations! A varied field of activity with a lot of social contacts is just the right thing for them. One will also seldom find them inactive in their spare time; due to their open, curious nature, they mostly have many hobbies and interests. They are not afraid of the unknown: as they are flexible and creative, they quickly adjust to new situations and make the best of them. They sometimes come into conflict with strict rules or hierarchies by which they quickly feel constrained and against which they rebel.

As friends, Laid-back Doers are generous, helpful persons who attach great importance to harmonious relationships and a good atmosphere. Their sociable manner means that they have a large circle of friends and they love having the house full of many different types of guests. They are happy to give in to their spontaneous moods and fancies in the just one or two important things. This makes them appear somewhat unpredictable to those with a quieter nature. When it really matters, you can rely on them one hundred percent. As partners, they are creative, impetuous and imaginative - as long as their partner knows how to fascinate them. They can hardly stand boredom or routine in a relationship. They do not like conflicts at all; if a relationship becomes too strenuous or involves too much effort, they tend to withdraw from the partnership and start to look for a new partner. However, if one manages to keep their curiosity alive in the long term and surprise them again and again, one has a loyal and loving partner.

Adjectives which describe your type

extroverted, practical, emotional, spontaneous, enthusiastic, friendly, playful, lively, talkative, nonchalant, tolerant, happy, pleasant, generous, flexible, wily, attractive, relationship-oriented, generous, adventurous, fun-loving, creative, helpful, action-loving, casual, sociable, open, sensitive, touchy, erratic, curious, noncommittal, action-loving

These subjects could interest you

going out, dancing, parties, cinema, eating out, sport and travel (club holidays), music, trekking, camping, hiking, cooking, handicrafts, nature

monster inc?

i'm becoming an unfeeling person, like a block of wood with no sense of empathy and sympathy. only apathy. what's happening?? and just the other night, i dreamt myself beating someone up real bad! like packing really hard punches... one after another.

i'm a monster! beware. rah.

till then

i had so many thoughts swimming around in my head... which i had initially intended to fill this post with. i was actually rather excited to write about them all. Alas, all motivation and inspiration left me and me fingers  the moment i was directed to beta.blogger.com. sigh.. i hate moments like these. my only form of outlet dammed by my own inhibitions and reservations. 

... maybe the words will flow in the morning.

yearning

these days, i find myself yearning for a real connection; for something more. something intangible in physical measurement but immeasurable in being soul-full. somehow, amidst the good things that have taken place, i catch myself hungering for more to fill my spirit. more than ever, i want to know His character and His heart. i'm certain He heard those prayers coz a dear friend bought me a book entitled "Cultivating the Heart of the Worship Leader, to Know You More" by Andy Park. i'm excited to read it and i'm expectant of a renewing of my spirit, a renewing of my heart and mind.

think i've somehow lost touch with some dear ones and i confess that i kinda miss them... sigh. suddenly i feel like my friends are poofing away! booo... it's heartbreaking when you give your all to building a friendship only to realize that your friend isn't putting in as much effort. more often than not, i find myself in that rut. i think i give my heart away too easily, but i can't help it. oh well. Jesus gave His heart so willingly and unconditionally, but we take it for granted in all possible ways.. that being said, i suppose i can't expect so much.

His love so lavish, it breaks my heart.

finally

sweetness, pure sweetness...

ah, there is just so much to give thanks for. where should i even begin? the holidays so far, have been most gratifying and rest-full. what better way to end the last semester and kick-start a new one, huh? (:  a summer break sprinkled with mini-getaways, great company and do-whatever-i-want/like-afternoons, more time at home with the rest of the yeesters, gigs with trusted & like-minded friends, catching-up sessions, doing more in ministry, shopping sprees, hanging out.. and the list goes on.

apart from blessings like these, God truly satisfied the desires of my heart this holiday... my grades this time around came as a surprise because they were better than expected and there was a marked improvement from sem 1. i really believed that i might not make it because i thought i had messed up one of the papers. besides, some essays written during term time weren't too well done and they made up 50% of my total grade. nevertheless, His grace abounds! (: 

and by His grace, i've finally conquered the tokyo drift test! whoopee!! ((: oh man, God knows how hard-earned this license is ... that coveted plastic thing ... 

a great sense of relief swept over me when my tester ticked the "pass" box on my test slip. it was a sense of finality, that i've FINALLY made it ... ah, sweet victory. the roads that day were actually clear. it was rather surprising coz it was littered with obstructions the day before, when i had my final revision lesson. thank God for a cheery and amiable tester too. sigh, really couldn't have asked for more (:

all these feels surreal. driving my dad's car seems surreal. i can't believe that it's finally here, it's finally mine, that i've finally, actually made it. it's almost like traversing in a good dream. 

but, it's not! ahahahaha (:

ahh, being able to drive isn't just a skill, it's a privilege. my best foot forward, literally.

i'm so thankful for family and friends who have come alongside me to encourage and support; for all the prayers and smses (: you guys have been the best! thank you so much! (:

i think i see the light at the end of the tunnel now. i think i really would've taken my license for granted without the failures, tears and hard work... knowing how complacent i can get sometimes. like every other trial, there's always smth to be learnt. not only were my driving skills be tested, my faith too, was under fire. kinda sucks to know that my faith is so weak. only able to praise God when everything's nice and dandy but unable to do the same when things are bleak. 

but like what CS wrote on his blog: " better things are in store for me as i go through these failures, things that thieves cannot steal and moth and rust cannot destroy. Perhaps, its a stronger heart, perhaps its greater dependence on Him." 

a greater dependance.. (:

for everything there is a season

in every season a plan

in every plan a reason

that only time will help us understand

thank You (:

i want to be a good and safe driver. i can't do it alone so please help me be accountable! (:

assurance

thanks shern for sharing this with me (:

for everything there is a season
for every season is a plan
for every plan a reason
that time will help us understand

win, we praise, lose we praise (:

in the distance

for the words to flow again

to pick up the pen..

to write in her book

Jesus..

hold my hand.

in sweet surrender

with words

winter ails and

springtime pass.

summer fades

when autumn hails.

what's meant to be, will come to pass.

it was most definitely a timely reminder.

come tomorrow will be my first revision lesson since the last driving test. i have been mulling over it for the past couple of days. i won't deny that i'm afraid to try again, that i'm most afraid of failing. all over again. 

discouraged and disillusioned, i was. but God does work in the most timely and wonderfully comforting way. i haven't been reading my purpose driven daily devotionals for a short while (oops..) but i did so today and went back to the day where i last stopped. the title for that day read: Resisting Discouragement. 

Resist Discouragement
by Rick Warren

You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, “He who is coming will come and will not delay.” Hebrews 10:36-37 (NIV)

*** *** *** ***

If you’re discouraged because of God’s delay in answering your prayers, understand the delay is NOT a denial. Just because the answer or the miracle hasn’t come – yet – that doesn’t mean God isn’t going to answer, or that he’s forgotten you, or that he doesn’t care about you. It simply means “not yet!”

Spiritual maturity is knowing the difference between “No” and “Not yet,” between a denial and a delay. The Bible tells us, “He who is coming will come and will not delay” (Hebrews 10:37 NIV).

The delay may be a test of your patience. Anybody can be patient once. And, anybody can be patient twice. And, just about anybody can be patient three times. So God tests you patience over and over and over.

Why? To see how patient you are?

No, he does it to show you how patient you are. So you’ll know what’s inside of you, and you’ll be able to know your level of commitment. God tests you so that you can know he is faithful, even if the answers you seek are delayed.

If you’re discouraged, turn it around by remembering God teaches you patience during delay. Ask him to transform your discouragement into patience.

You may be going through difficult times right now and feel like dropping off the planet. You’re discouraged because the situation you face seems unmanageable, unreasonable, or unfair.

It may seem unbearable and inside you’re basically saying, “God, I can’t take it anymore. I just can’t take it anymore!”

But you can.

You can stay with it longer because God is with you. He’ll enable you to press on. Remember, you are never a failure until you quit.

Don’t quit. Resist discouragement and finish the race God has set before you.

© 2008 Purpose Driven Life. All rights reserved.  how apt, how true. i suppose it's easy to magnify what's bad and fail to  put things into perspective; to look for the good in the bad, to make the  most of the situation. i choose what i feel and yeah, being discouraged  doesn't help turn anything around except make me feel worse. so i'm  gonna (try) stop feeling so discouraged (: but i think this isn't just  limited to driving, but to other things as well. the last couple of days  have been rough in some other ways but i suppose not giving up is  key.. to try and make things work. thank You (:

special shoutout! (:

Yuming passed her driving test today! woohoo! (((((: babe, if you're reading this, i just wanna tell you how very very very very happy and excited i am for you! (: celebrations and congratulations! perhaps, by now, you'd have realized that it's time too, for you to drive us all around. muahahahaaha :P i'm sure i'll feel extremely safe in your car. haha. enjoy the sweet victory of passing! (: you've worked hard for this! thank God tooooooo (:

seasons

'tis winter.
summer joys and
autumn hues;
springtime singing
lost to ills

limbo

i love, love, absolutely love to sing and make music. but i've been told since i was young that singin' and music ain't gonna get you nowhere. sometimes i feel so torn between my aspirations and practicality. to live the dream. yeah, i'd like that very much. but it takes guts and so many other factors to do so. i believe that all that i'm blessed with is for a reason. i'd like to use it for something better, something good but i don't know how. a good musician should know what he/she wants and what/how they're gonna get there. but in all honesty, i don't.

so, where do i go from here?

Father, will You tell me how?

i feel pissed and i don't even know why.

i like balmy days. when's the next?

the past two days have been rather productive (: and i like productive days, especially during the holidays! means that i'm not slacking and wasting my life away.

i've finally done up mum's corner in her room and i hope she's happy with it. added a cactus and a wooden stool in it... not very conventional things one would use to add more oomph to a certain area, but erm, no complaints so far! (: and i got down to filing all my worksheets and notes from last semester coz my shelves were in complete disarray, remnants from the not-so-recent exams. i reshelved my shelves too... yay. feeling very satisfied with meself. and i did some craft too.. haha

i caught Jesus Camp yesterday afternoon. very interesting film where religion and politics converged. it is a rather disturbing film to watch though, even as a Christian. oh well, more on the film next time. i've got to gather my thoughts on this one and not spout anything that may get me into trouble. cyberspace has cyber law. though i felt that the Ted Haggard guy was a real piece of irony. if you watch the film, you'll see him preaching at the pulpit (he's a pastor at one of the mega churches in the USA), against homosexuality. by an ironic twist of fate, he was found to be a homosexual(!) some time after the release of the film. sigh. many people felt that he didn't deserve sympathy, but i think he does. people judge too quickly, too fast sometimes. sure, he's made a mistake, but his plight was made worse because of his previous status. as the Bible says, let he who has not sinned cast the first stone. we all make mistakes and no sin is greater than the other... well this debate can go on for a long time. guess this alludes to the bigger picture of a more gracious society. think that will go a long way. but i don't equate that to having no punishment though. i strongly believe that graciousness and compassion should coexist with justice and truth. there's got to be some balance right...

anyway, today was great too (: met up with Jaime and we had a good and long talk over some good'ol old-fashioned breakfast at Ya Kun's. it was good catching up, whilst it lasted. thanks Jaim for the gorgeous gift from stralia! it was really thoughtful of you (: *hugs* luan! if you're reading this, we talked about you. hehehehehe :p

then in the evening, i headed over to the lams' to practice for sunday's gig. am really really really uber excited and all pumped up for it! yippers! anyhow, prac was really fruitful, tweaked a couple of songs here and there and made it our own. the process was real fun (: and debbie! your knee will heal soon (: in time for your trip! so fret noooootttttttttt!

**

think, in spite of all the activities that fill my days, i've neglected reflecting. which isn't good. when i read through older blog posts, i can feel the hollowness in some of them even though they may be packed to the max with words and recounts. like maybe this one. means only one thing:

TIME TO REFLECT!

so i took a test on bored.com

Personality Type Report

Your Personality Preferences

EXTROVERT

You are social and outgoing. You are most comfortable when with other people and experiencing the world first hand. Interaction with others and first hand experiences energize you. It is not unlike you to start conversations with strangers. You have a preference for the outer world: people, activities, and things. Other people provide you with a mirror, sounding board to help you develop ideas and plans. Being alone may sap your energies. Your concept of the world is derived from experiencing it firsthand and then drawing conclusions.

SENSORY 

You usually gather information with your senses: what you can see, hear, taste, touch and smell in the physical world. The facts gathered from the sensory data you process are the building blocks of your model of our world. You concentrate your energies on what actually exists and do not ponder what might exist too much. You are usually practical and rely on your common sense to guide you through the world. You see things as they are and have little or no need to search for underlying meanings.

JUDGING 

You like decisions to be made as soon as possible. You are not comfortable with loose ends and like to see conflicts resolved as soon as possible. You have a preference for a well-structured, orderly lifestyle with few surprises. It may not be all that important who makes the decisions that gets things done as long things do get done. You take commitments very seriously. While you are not inflexible, you do like to stick to a plan once it is set into motion.

FEELING 

You make decisions subjectively based upon your values and what is important to you. How people will be affected by your decisions is important to you. You are likely to make decisions based upon what you feel is acceptable and agreeable rather than what is logical. Your truths are founded in your values and those of the society you live in. It is important to remember that we are discussing how you evaluate data and make decisions, and that you rely on your feelings to do so in no way implies you are overly emotional.

Your Personality Type:

Extrovert/Sensing/Feeling/Judging

You approach life with enthusiasm, and are very social and charming. You are compassionate, agreeable and cooperative. You like to be helpful-- an asset and want to be needed. You can be relied on to see things through. You're trustworthy and loyal. You do not like conflict. Harmony is definitely your ally. You do not like to be alone for too long, if at all.

In relationships you are compassionate and considerate. You can be very talkative at times, and will strike up a conversation with almost anyone. You try to see the best in people. You are not one to take a stand that will offend others. You like attention and need validation of your value from others. Social status is important to you. You can be counted on to keep family and social traditions alive and well. .

Famous People of Your Type:

William McKinley, William J. Clinton, Jack Benny, Desi Arnaz, Don Knotts, Terry Bradshaw, Sally Struthers, Mary Tyler Moore, Steve Spurrier, Sally Field, Danny Glover, Nancy Kerrigan, Elvis Stojko. Occupations Suited to Your Type Include:

Athlete, bookkeeper, caterer, coach, counselor, flight attendant, stylist, interior decorator, nurse, secretary, teacher, and telemarketer.

!!! my ambition's listed!! yay! so, i can be a teacher or counsellor!!!

but is that a validation for the secret fashionista? since i could be a stylist too........

ahem. i overdid the photos.

so this is how i look like if i'm a man. check out the moustache!

i heart mac! 

postlude to tech

went down to acecom today again, to pick up my hard drive's tray. the sales person told me that i'm really lucky that my hard drive was still with them coz his guy normally comes to the shop at 4plus every day to pick up the discarded hard drives to send them back to seagate for rma. (i went to acecom to get the new hard drive at 2plus yesterday). but by some inexplicable twist of fate, the sales person decided not to turn mine over to him! i was going "ah! divine intervention! divine intervention!" in my head. haha.. oh wow, how cool is that... if this is not God's hand working, i dont know what is. if my old hard drive, along with its case was shipped off, i'll have to go through the tedious procedure of asking the apple guys for a quotation for a new tray and to wait for it to arrive etc etc. it was such a close, close shave... but God gave just enough shaving cream to prevent the cuts (:

*ps: youtube is the best website. ever. i always thought it had great entertainment value, but does not contribute much to making the world a better place. but i am now a convert. i take back all the bad stuff that i have ever said about youtube before. it had a how-to-install-your-hard-drive tutorial! and dozens of other superbly clear and concise tutorials for IT nooooooobs like meself! i am so grateful. i think it might even be more helpful then the apple website.. hohoho... but yes people, youtube is truly useful, not just for its entertainment value. but it makes the world a better place by alleviating the pains of grouchy people who are trying to fix their computers. 

on hindsight, i think i've really benefitted from the whole experience. given that i was at first very upset with having to deal with so much technical rigour and having to travel from pulau boon lay to town for 3 days in a row and for living without my laptop for quite awhile, living off my sisters' shared pc.. i feel so bad for taking up their computer time sometimes but thanks jan and yan for allowing me to use it (: my siblings truly deserve an award for being most understanding! (: i'm sorry for the times when i told God to zap you guys.. 

nonetheless, it has been most interesting, manually assembling a part of my laptop, re-learning & re-grounding my basics in IT... i've learnt to install hard drives! with watson's and my brother's help (: i've learnt new stuff like seagate/rma/torx t8 screwdrivers. these terms were once greek to me... but they aren't anymore! i hope i'll be able to help others in future, at least for those who may experience the same problems i did. sometimes it really does take losing something before realizing its value.

i'm just glad that i'm typing all these from my macbook.