raw

oh the frustration of being mad at myself.

i didnt know what i should do and just felt so lost. i was just sitting and asking God what's happening? what do i do? i feel so mad at myself because i'm not rising up to any occasion, in any circumstance. i'm frustrated. so much has been given to me and yet i'm not using any of it. i feel dissatisfied. 

my heart has been so hardened. what's happening? it's maddening.

i was aimless for awhile tonight. He heard. God led me to Eeleen's blog and she hit the bull's eye of how i feel right now. argh. dissatisfaction and just the ugliness in me. my heart has been so hardened, it scares me. i've lost my focus and i find myself veering off track so many times. so much unresolved. so much mess inside. the mess that i know only Jesus can clear. 

-deleted-

i'm so much at a loss for words today that i have to borrow someone else's.

"i'm not satisfied doing it my own way"

there must be more than this.

i find, i'm highly dissatisfied with me again. and no wonder, thinking about me - my needs, my hurts, my dreams, my hopes, my problems - most of the time is quite nauseauting. and potentially depressing may i add.

the smallness is suffocating. 

and yet, realising there's more, and how i've settled on the fence is somewhat worse. i don't want the form without the power. melt my heart of stone please. 

sick of it.


"so let's keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total committment, God will clear your blurred vision - you'll see it yet! now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it...

there are many others out there taking other paths, choosing other goals, and trying to get you to go along with them.. all they want it is easy street. they hate Christ's cross. but easy street is a dead-end street.

..but there's far more to life for us."

philippians 3:15,16,18,20a (the MSG)

- Eeleen