the quiet yet steady confidence

Intimidation not about life in general, but intimidation faced in school.

Sitting down and chatting over lunch with some friends in school today made me realize how real this issue is amongst everyone of us. My dear friends are losing faith in themselves. we're getting intimidated by people whom we deem as smart. To quote a friend: "I wasn't even like that in the past. but as of now, self confidence is 0, esteem is 0. I don't even dare to speak up in class anymore." (speaking up in class earns us class participation points which takes up 10% of our final grade. very crucial especially since tutorial lessons are crafted in such a way that encourages tutor-student interaction. sadly, it's a singaporean thing to speak up less..)

We've become so fearful of what people think of what we say. The fear of appearing silly, the fear of being critiqued and having nothing to say in defense of ourselves.. the vulnerability of not having answers. But I suppose the pressure is greater in my tutorial class 'coz the smarties are here. man, you should've seen what kanjiong spiders we all were before every presentation.

i digress: i wonder if these people KNOW that they're intimidating? if they do, do they derive some sense of sardonic glee in watchin us squirm in our seats? hahaha. being overly-analytical. BUT so possible! in any way, they're definitely positive influences 'coz you feel the motivation to catch up with them, to be on par. But, there's always the other end of the spectrum - taking the pressure negatively and start feeling all dejected.

this got me thinking. Why are we allowing ourselves to feel that way? why do we allow ourselves to be intimidated by people like that? silly things to do, don't you think? and yet at the same time, it's definitely something very real and not to be swept under the carpet. all of us have battled with thoughts like these at one point or another. feeling stupid and blah.i suppose that it's only human to feel this way, to feel underpowered and inadequate for tasks, and that our best doesn't seem to be enough.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and He will make your paths straight." - prov 3:5-6

Perhaps, this is why and how Christians are different. The quiet confidence that we have in God, trusting and depending on Him that He will make everything right, that everything will ultimately be okay. but of course, we work hard for what we want... no such thing as a free munch in the world right? but of course, we don't trust God all the time. Times of falling into disbelief.

2 Tim 1:7 says: For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of a sound mind.

"if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives to all men generously and without reproaching, and it will be given to him." - James 1:5

these are the verses i hold on whenever i feel stupid, not-confident, inadequate. to hold fast to its promises. reminds me that i'm not stupid, at all. and knowing that i have no lack of wisdom and of knowledge fascinates me to no end. fears of being not good enough in school, fears of not doing well, this is what sustains me, what brings me hope.

to do my best and God does the rest.

quoting Nana: "think as christians, we always give our problems to God, only to take it back." how true... if only we could all lay hold of all of God's promises and to really let go and let live. that of course, requires faith. to have faith always is hard especially when the world we live in demands fact after fact to substantiate our claims. but faith... is faith:" it is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see". - Hebrews 11:1. so absolutely contrary to what the world says: seeing is believing. but really, let's think about the future. nobody is certain about the future, we can all work hard towards a certain goal, but for it to turn out well requires some bit of faith too right?

and as a dear, sweet friend, Jane, always says with such child-like wonder and faith: "God will bless us! We must first do our best believe that God will make it happen!"

laying hold of His promises.

that's what i'm going to do.

faith stretching!

i guess all these alludes to the bigger picture of life. of living life more fully and investing our time into worthwhile things and causes. living life confidently, without fear, which really doesn't discount the bad stuff that happens. but to make lemonade of out of lemon juice.

to a full life! (:

geez, i sound like an old lady talking. i'm not even 20 lah...

this is terrible, i keep saying so much, and one thing leads to another, i'll NEVER end my blog post! this is a lousy example of modernist writing (i learnt this fact in class) since it shows the stream of consciousness, the rambling on of thoughts that isn't very structured, the exploration of multiple aspects and all the "..." symbolizes continuity of thoughts (:

okay. i REALLY have to stop and get started on HL103.

tata (:

the quiet yet steady confidence in God. gogogo!