i missed you. haven't been writing in for abit, save the joke post. gosh, these few weeks have been busyscwhimsy all the way. it's a different sort of busy. not busy with running around doing errands, but busy doing school work.. oh the readings.. the readings.. we could get away with not reading certain texts last semester but missing out on one now will cost you. think the reality of being a uni smucker has just begun to sink in. as of now, i've handed in the singapore lit assignment and am not very happy with it. sigh ): i really think i didn't do justice to the 2 poems. but what's done can't be undone eh? (maybe that's the reason why i've been extra hardworking for sing lit in other areas. haa.) but, we'll see how things go from here. thanksgiving! i'm glad my film proposal got approved (: i slaved over those 2 pages, just twwwwooooooo! i thought so hard about it 'till the brains almost imploded. well at least the skeleton's out. yay. but well, i've got more to conquer.
- hw111 - presentation 20th march
- hl205 vic lit essay due 20th march
- hl103 survey of eng lit essay due 1st april
- hl211 film essay due 4th april
- readings & revision for exams
- exams
and i shall do it with a joyful heart (: what's the point of complaining when you can choose to look at it more positively right? you feel so much better and so much more motivated, no? and because i know my God will never let me walk alone (: life is just too short to be moping around. (dont know why but moping always reminds me of someone walking around face-down, with his or her hair mopping up their tears that fall on the ground... the brain's imagination is on overdrive today. ha.)
to be honest, sometimes i do feel like i'm not making the most of life 'coz i'm getting too caught up with the paper chase; to attain some semblance of perfection. it's important to excel academically, but there's so much more to life than getting good grades. and what i felt wasn't just restricted to wanting to do well in school, but wanting to be a steward of what i've been entrusted to do in church as well. i'm not sure when it all began but there was a period of time when i felt so jaded, cynical, so defeated and disappointed with everyone and everything around me. i felt inadequate, i was afraid, i wasn't confident of my own abilities, i felt so utterly worthless.
it was also, no doubt, a period of time when i felt the most self-centred, when everything became all about me, me and me. i wanted people to do this that for me but never what i could do for others? it was a period where my fervour to serve in church grew cold. when everything became a chore. and it frightened me a lot - realizing what kind of person i was becoming. always brooding and unhappy over the smallest of things.. i was lost. slowly, but surely, i was losing faith in myself. just felt like i couldnt do anything right. i felt myself trying to fit into this constructed image of perfection in my head. like wanting to be this certain person and wanting to be seen as a certain type of person.
and all these while, i was being blinded by perfection and self-consciousness.
but i never ever realized that that was my issue.
speaking to my mentor, she opened my eyes to the flaws, to why i was battling so hard with life, to why i was feeling so unhappy about things that just don't go my way. and she pointed out that i was incredibly harsh on myself when i fail to be that person i want to be. i just never let go of my failures and that i let them linger and return to haunt. and all these stemmed out of self-consciousness. i'm too conscious of what people think of me and until i let go of that, i'll never truly experience freedom.
and yes, i agree. i'm too hard on myself. i take damn long to forgive myself even though i've already been forgiven. i just take things too hard man. gosh. maybe it explains why i'm such an intense person too! yeah.. i've got to stop being so hard on myself and to stop being so self-conscious. coz it really affects me when i lead worship sometimes. when it should really be about God, and not me. i need to learn and recognize that what's passed is already the past... to step out of that self-pity rut and get a move on. times of failure is inevitable. just gotta pick myself up and move on.
i guess there will be no conclusion to this post because i have no answers to all my struggles and i suppose, like me... i'm an unfinished piece of work, in the Master's hands. there will be no end to the many questions i have and things that i don't understand. there will continue to be times when i feel inadequate, times when i fail and moments when i just can't do anything right. but it's by the faith that i have in Him that everything will be okay that i know will see me through (: and for all the other rockstars(coz you rock my world! hahaha) in my life. for all my inadequacies, i'll have to always rmb that God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
like a little clod of clay, i'm in the process of being moulded. times when i'm prodded at all sides and bearing the heat of the furnace brings me discomfort but i'll just have to believe that at the end of it all, i'll be a finished piece of art. and maybe God could one day, use my experiences to help others along.
regardless of my imperfection.
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