remembering You

i've funny thoughts sometimes.

like tonight; i wonder if God's passed me by because i see the wonderful things that He's doing in the lives of others and not in mine... i wonder if God's stopped wanting to use my life to reflect His glory but aiyo, i chided myself coz that's not true. who says He isn't just because i'm not seeing it right? sometimes, all we need to do is to stop focusing on ourselves so much but to remember who He is in our lives and it's when we see that that we truly let go of what we think we can do for God and focus on what He wants to do and therefore, truly know what we can do in our lives, for Him.

tonight, i go to bed remembering that I am a co-heir of Christ, that i am precious in His sight no matter how flawed i may be. I just need to remember His grace that abounds and the Love that covers a multitude of sins and regrets and that it is precisely this grace, mercy and love that sets me free to lead a life renewed, strengthened - one that is purposeful. to remember that although God is not through with me, He gives just enough to get by each day. to focus on the bigness of my King and live each day with that in mind and to breathe, live, move, think in worship of Him.

excited for tomorrow (:

excited to be serving with a group of friends who love God

excited to be laying on the altar this gift He has given me

excited to give it back, excited to share

to be humbled and liberated in singing to and for You!

what, a privilege.

happy

so glad to have studied in church yesterday -- being able to lunch with woei xi (she's back!), laugh about silly stuff with the rest helped stave the stress. and then Ian came over to keep me company -- i'm so glad that you came (: so thankful for being able to spend time together albeit it being short. thanks for coming. it mattered (: laughing and talking with you, all the way back home lifted my spirits.

**

to never ever forget what it means to pray desperately, what it means to be wholly dependent on You too. to focus on Easter Sunday and not just Friday.

**

now, work hard, work fast. make time. pop by youth camp.

so encouraged by the younger ones stepping up to serve in boldness and in faith (esp. after hearing stories of how they take time out to wait on God first, together as a team, and in encouraging one another), leading with spiritual authority and grace in loving others. what availing and faith-full hearts. thanks be to Jesus! (:

one year

happy anniversary hon (:

it's been a wonderful year

albeit crazy with th

e ninethousandkilometres

so deeply thankful for you

love!

(:

in the little things

the 'lil tyke made my day (:

rise above

so super grouchy today :/

maybe it's because lunch wasn't good but at least the company was .. (:

i feel sorry for Ian who's doing work with me.

my awful sullenness

i think... it's because i haven't been resting enough for the past 2 weeks or so

a typical day's routine consists of:

wake up, qt, go to school to work, lunch, work, dinner, work, go home, work, unwind, sleep (6-7hrs)

repeat cycle.

it's gonna be like this for the next 20 days.

sigh

just wish i had more time for ministry, really.

more time for family

more time for friends - it does feel like we've all drifted apart in some ways

wishing that that didn't have to be

praying for friendships to be restored

more time for this disconnected heart to be rewired

brought into where you are

yearning for connectedness today, i am.

for time that's spent meaningfully

and not spent fretting about essays and GPA.

yet i know it's a necessary process

i got into NTU by His grace

the very same Grace that will see me through

all for Your Glory.

for You

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."

- 1 Corinthians 10:31

Jesus, be my perspective.

aiyo min, SMILE please!

it's been a year

since you held my hand in yours

(:

tired.

20 days to freedom

***

wishing that i could go for youth camp

praying that i can still make a difference

praying to hear

praying for greater faith

praying for love

praying for courage and strength to do

praying, for passion --

passion for Your Name

compassion for Your people

"i do not call you unfortunate," said the Large Voice.

"Don't you think it was bad luck to meet so many lions?" said Shasta. "There was only one lion," said the Voice. "What on earth do you mean? I've just told you there were at least two the first night, and..." "There was only onel but he was swift of foot." "How do you know?"

"I was the lion."

... the Voice continued. "I was the lion who forced you to join with Aravis. I was the cat who drove the jackals from you while you slept. I was the lion who gave the Horses the new strength of fear for the last mile so that you should reach King Lune in time. And I was the lion you do not remember who pushed the boat in which you lay, a child near death, so that it came to shore where a man sat, wakeful at night, to receive you."

"Then it was you who wounded Aravis?"

"It was I."

"But what for?"

"Child," said the Voice, "I am telling you your story, not hers."

- C.S. Lewis, The Horse and His Boy

made for more;

we are.

i'm a firm believer of doing something that you're passionate about and not to settle for a job just for the sake of being employed. do it because you love it. do it because it value-adds to your life and that of others too. do it because it glorifies Him who gave you all your talents and quirks.

i've been thinking about my future; what will my vocation be and in what capacity shall i serve in ministry?

i know i love working with youths and for the longest time ever, i've been wanting to be a teacher to not only share my love for literature, but to be an encouragement to my students just as my teachers have been to me. perhaps, love for literature is a little too strong a description and i think it is because my motivation to teach isn't just because of the subject that i like, but it's really wanting to help my (future) students believe in themselves. sometimes, an affirmation makes all the difference to a young person struggling to believe in him or herself; that they're made for so much more - not defined by academic successes and failures but by the refinement of character and attitude. on the flip side, i don't know if i can handle the regiment of being a teacher, the administrative details and difficult parents/students and sometimes (hopefully not) long hours in school. helping my students is important but so is loving my family. they will always be a priority to me. i don't want to compromise my family for career. i think too, a day may come where i'll consider full time ministry but that time is not now... mm.

much as i love working with youths, i'm going to keep my options open.

i don't know why but recently, the thought of working for SPH seems attractive. yeah, i like to write and don't mind covering articles, but i'm aware that it has its own set of challenges too. i don't know that much about the industry so i'm gonna find out more. i'm going to attend their scholarship talk on the 6th and we'll see how that goes. Gonna do a bit of research soon by talking to bernie (if you're readin this!) and gracia.

***

ah, made for more, made for more. made to worship You.

how does being made for more for Your kingdom fit in what i'm gonna do in future?

show me.

***

yes, the slew of posts demonstrates no lack of thoughts these days. haha.

'coz it's good to dream;

i'm learning to let go, to take things in a more light-hearted fashion and just generally trying to stave off the seriousness. laughter and gratitude.

so i'm taking a wee break from writing my essay. 1700/2500. not too bad, yay (: thank God for the inspiration! God, more for later please? (:

***

i started to daydream/space out a little just now. it was about my dream home that beckons at the end of a long and tiring day, to find rest and kindred warmth.

i've always wanted a house that's a little contemporary country-look-ish with lots of wood (light, stained or dark wood's) with parquet flooring and nice full length glass windows or sliding doors or maybe even french doors to let natural light into the house. for soft, comfy linen couches to sink into at the end of a long day at work. for warm colours on the wall. the living room is defined maybe by 3 settees, a dark wooden coffee table with a small fruit basket in the middle (tho this could be done away with); it'd be awesome to drape a table runner over it... mm... and then sprinkle the space with a couple of throw cushions, rugs and tall standing lamps from ikea. oh the love for lamps (and ikea). haha. methinks everything in my house will be from ikea. muahaha (; tall shelves for my book collection at one corner, an awesome console with a flat screen (or maybe they would've come up with more innovativeTVs by then) and a great stereo (which i shall leave the mister to settle coz i'm so bad at this) to play all the nice music. and i'd like some pretty flowers in a tall vase at various corners of the house to spruce up the homey feel (: for framed photos on a wall that celebrates love and family and Faithfulness; for reminders of His Providence. for a nice medium-sized wooden dining table to enjoy meals with family and to have friends over for house dinners/lunches. for a spacious kitchen to cook(or learn how to). an island in the middle would be super awesome. great for lazy people likeme - everything is within reach. heh.

something like the above, i suppose? but it's not all that i have in mind... less white, more earthy colours and incandescent lighting for evening time!

ah okay, this is becoming too ramble-some. until i have greater dreams (:

fury

last night at film class, our lecturer screened erotica aka porn. he was lecturing on film genres. if we look at it objectively, fine, it is just a genre. but is it necessary? when he said that he was gonna screen erotica, the guys cheered.

i was incensed. i walked right out of class. porn should never EVER be passed off as art. thinking about it now makes me SO angry. lots of guys out there say that it is purely for entertainment and that there's nothing wrong with it.

then let me ask you this:

what is right about it?

the porn industry is thriving only because there is a demand. if there is no demand, no girl would willingly give up their dignity (unless they're not sound) and their bodies to earn the extra cash. it could be because of a poor economic background that forced them into making a quick buck like that. but really, is there no other way to make a decent living? if there is no demand, there won't even BE such an avenue/choice for girls to sell their bodies like that. it's a sad reality. she is somebody's daughter, mother, sister, cousin, aunt etc. where is morality in this?

the sacred rhythm of rest

"God called the light 'day,' and the darkness he called 'night.' And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day." Genesis 1:5 (NIV)

What time did your day begin today?

Did it begin as the sun poked through the widow urging you to wake? Or, did the alarm buzz at 5:30 AM? Or maybe at 6:45? Perhaps you slept until 8:00?

What if I told you your day began last night as the sun set – would you disagree?

In the modern, westernized world we think of our days as sun rise to sun rise. In other words, we rise, we work, and then we end the day in rest. We rest to recover from our work … with whatever time is left over after the work is done.

However, in the ancient Jewish tradition the day runs from sundown to sundown. That's quite a different concept. In other words, we rest, then we rise and do our work. Rest becomes the source and fuel for the work rather than merely recovery from it.

Where did the Hebrews get this seemingly backwards notion of the day beginning in the evening? From the God who never sleeps, in the Bible. Notice in today's key verse - in fact, in multiple verses throughout the Genesis creation account - there was evening, and then morning and that was counted as a day.

A secular rhythm of life makes work primary. We work first, then go from work to vacation. In contrast, a sacred rhythm makes rest primary, moving us from God-ordained rest into our vocation. The sacred rhythm is rest, rise, work rather than rise, work, rest. Let that difference sink in and sway the seat of your soul.

Internalizing this difference is the basis for connecting with God through rest. Pastor and author Eugene Peterson describes this ancient rest-first rhythm:

"This Hebrew evening/morning sequence conditions us to the rhythms of grace. We go to sleep, and God begins his work. As we sleep he develops his covenant. We wake and are called to participate in God's creative action. We respond in faith, in work. But always grace is previous. Grace is primary. We wake into a world we didn't make, into a salvation we didn't earn. Evening: God begins, without our help, his creative day. Morning: God calls us to enjoy and share and develop the work he initiated. Creation and covenant are sheer grace and there to greet us every morning."

I don't know why God's Word marks out time in this way in Genesis, but I am discovering I think and live differently when I adopt this view of my days. I see each night's rest as something important, something to prepare for – and something important that prepares me. I've long known that rest prepares me physically to rise and work again, and now I'm finding it prepares me spiritually to rise walk in grace and faith.

As I lie down, close my eyes, pray, and slip from consciousness, I do so with the understanding that it is God who holds everything together during my temporary absence from the world. And it's Him who will continue to hold everything together when I rise and work in the coming daylight. At no point – day or night – am I independent of Him. He even has the power to direct my dreams should He desire.

So I've developed a theology of sleep that punctuates my days. It helps me see my nights and my rest as set apart and holy. It helps me to see God as I lay myself down to sleep. In fact, it helps me see that it is He who lays me down for the gracious gift of rest.

What about you? How do you think about rest? How do you treat it? How might God be calling you to look at it differently?

- rachel olsen

made for more

some things to remind myself:

2 Corinthians 3:4-6: "Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant--not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life." (NIV)

I started with, "I can do it," but God brought me to "He can do it in me." He has brought me out of my own power, which is so limited and flawed, to being dependent on the infilling power of His Spirit. Confidence in myself has very limited power whereas confidence in Him brings limitless possibilities.

***

circumcision of the heart:

Yes, we do the pleading.

He does the cleaning.

Even those of us who have walked with Him for years sometimes surmise, when wading in the swamp of our sin, that we too must surface-clean the tarnish so very hard before He will ever want to use us again.

But just one action is needed. We must come to the Cleaner; the only spirit-sanitizer there is. And we must beckon Him; imploring our Savior to create in us a clean heart and renew our spirits so we may serve Him fully.

Only then will the dust-bunnies of darkness that oft-times shatter our souls be swept away completely so a renewed spirit can truly shine.

***

work out my salvation

be a do-er

little joys in life

it feels really good to make someone's day.

life's precious little moments.

loving begins like this.

one small thing at a time.

(:

ah, so happy! haha.

C'MON!!

can i just say that i'm mighty stressed out and also worried about how i'll do for my exams and whether my GPA will drop. the feminist essay question that i'm working on is seriously difficult to comprehend, much less to write about. even advanced victorian wasn't so tough. i hate to rant but this is how i feel. in all honesty. rarh.

but i should be thankful that:

. CHOIR is over (: 2 choral tests + 1 performance - finito. one less module to work on. whee.

. final film essay down + commentary on a friend's essay

. south-asian essay down

. south -asian presentation over

. vocal production journals are almost done. just 1 more entry to go.

. vocal production mock test is over

. finished re-doing contemp lit assignments for LTU

. all the weekly reflections for film studies are done. draining, it was.

. i've finished reading 5/6 novels for south-asian lit. *pats back*

and i've only:

. feminist studies essay (must finish by thursday)

. 2nd film essay (but this is the horror - i've got to watch 9 films; out of which 1 is 9 hours-long, another that is 5hours-long and another that's 3-4hours long. (must finish this by the 3rd so that i've a week to study for fem studies.)

. vocal production speech and prose-reading presentation = 60%

Exams... shall not be on my mind now. just finish your assignments first, min!

okay, trying, trying to rise above and keep my chin up. one thing at a time. God, be my strength and wisdom! fighting!!

i'm gonna call pris for help now.

the notion

of romanticizing God... we sometimes do.

mind + heart = love God.

not ever, one without the other.

"thinking is one of the most hazardous we do. the apostle paul warns that knowledge puffs up but he also commands that in your thinking, be mature. the use of our minds is absolutely necessary in being human and worshipful. so do this dangerous thing... but do it well. for many years, this has perplexed me - the call to think is necessary but not ultimate. thinking is for the sake of something greater and that greater thing is loving God so the act of loving God will always need right thinking about God... When the faith, rigorous life of the mind is diminished, the spiritual benefits don't last. The very thing we want to protect is eventually weakened. The great commandment is to love God with everything in us and that includes our minds. If our means of loving is restricted, then our love for God weakens. Our head and heart must be united for Christ to produce God-honouring action and long-lasting satisfaction... I encourage all of us towards thinking for the sake of joy; joy is the essence of loving God and thinking serves love. therefore, thinking must serve joy. Think: the life of the mind and loving God." - John Piper

girlfriends

i really miss hanging out with my girlfriends. can't wait for the essay frenzy to be over.

(: of birthdays & love

***

(:

3:16

i've been seeing 3:16 a lot... since before i came back to sweden. here's a record of the 3:16s i've seen in the past couple of days:

12 nov

. looked out of the bus window and saw blk 316A & blk 316

. picked up a phone call and hung out only to realize that the call's duration was 3:16mins

14 nov

. checked the time - 3:16pm

. leann told me to check out a song online and the first video i clicked on has a duration of 3:16mins

and two weeks ago, a friend was talking about what he read for devotions and he said revelations 3:16.

all these amongst lots of other incidents where i saw 3:16. hrms.

i checked all the verses with 3:16s in them and picked out those that followed a trend - i'm loved so don't feel condemned and go love others. a renewed spirit and a circumcised heart too. i thought i got that message. so how come...? why am i still seeing 3:16s?

small victories

(:

I'm typing this post on my phone (iphone is so the bomb) onboard the bus, on my way to meet mr lee (: , and pondering about a sustaining joy; a life poured out in total abandonment for Christ and a heart that's OVERflowing with thanksgiving - one that responds in gratitude, which gives birth to pure joy, where strength [of one's heart and mind] resides.

Yes, i tend to be a really 'feely' person. I feel before I think and that, more often than not, leads to less than desirable consequences.

Let the truth lead my heart.

I want to be joyful. I want people to know Christ's joy by seeing that evidence in my life. But I know more than ever that I haven't been able to do that because i tend to 'castastrophy' (haha, new word!) things in my head and that only makes me fear. Somehow, all the thinking about fear only feeds it even more and it snowballs. Scary. I know I've been like that for the past month and it's terrible ):

But this morning i woke up and told God that I can't do this on my own. I can't do it all by myself... i need Him. knowing how much of a control freak I am at times (who wants everything to turn out just the way I had planned it to but that's not how things work), it is difficult to surrender. Throughout this period, I found myself distrusting God in that way; I didn't trust that His plan for me is better than what I have in mind and i knew even then that it was such a foolish to thing to do. Though right now, I see that it was a necessary process for me to realize that TRUSTing and having even more faith - even when I think I'm already faithful - is a never-ending learning process and i think... it's something we have to do it every single day because that's how easy it is to unconsciously become our own gods. We control and lean on our own strength without relying on the one who truly provides. God knows we need the things we do in life and He has already promised his provision. He wants to free us from the worries of life, the worries of tomorrows because he has already taken care of that. What he asks for is faithfulness and surrendered-ness in the smallest of things. That's how we start trusting him for the bigger things, yes?

It really starts with the small things, isn't it? In small surrenders. Even if it means a moment-by-moment surrender for peace to overflow, then so be it, let's do just that. i'll do that. It's giving thanks in the smallest of situations. It's the acknowledgement of the goodness that God places in our lives. It's an acknowledgement of his grace. We make mistakes, we fail sometimes but Jesus reminds us that his love and grace for us never fails. In our weaknesses and mistakes, there is no condemnation. And therefore, if our hearts don't condemn us, we can approach his throne of grace with confidence and be met right there, right where we are.

for you who are weary from expectations that you set for yourselves or what you perceive of others' expectations of you - be gentle with yourself. see yourself as our Father sees you - deeply loved and redeemed for greater things. We so often live up to the unrealistic expectations we have of ourselves and beat ourselves up so bad when we fail to reach it. It's important to set a benchmark for oneself but it's not good when the pursuit of perfection turns into a yardstick of self-worth and control. a mentor once reminded me about how Jesus holds us to the standard of His grace and not to the lofty standards of the pharisees. God looks for a contrite heart that's broken enough to acknowledge its need for help, salvation, redemption. and that's all God wants. to acknowledge our weaknesses, that we cannot do it alone, so that He can come and make us whole through and in our weaknesses. all we need is to start having that little bit of faith and it will be enough for Him to work.

So today, I'm going to start small. I'm going to give thanks. I'm going to love, I'm going to press on and press in to God's heart and goodness for me and us. I'm going to surrender in every situation - good or bad. I'll seek his heart and mind first. I will persevere in learning to be joyful today and let that multiply. I'll be less hard myself and cut down on all that moping and unnecessary pressure that i give myself, to see beyond myself and really, just, start living this life that God gave me with thankfulness. It will get hard but my hope is in Him who makes all things beautiful in his time. I'll give thanks. I'll have joy. I'll have strength (:

and i'm ever so thankful too, for friends who have encouraged me through the past couple of weeks and especially for the boyfriend. thanks dear, for always being that listening ear and being an encouragement; for giving me the space to process and through it all, remained patient still. (: so thankful for you. love lots!

Reside I will, in your grace for me.
To live in the resurrection of Christ.
I'll be faithful.

Oh happy day! (: