**edited
plunging deeper into the recesses of the self, i found me again in the circumstance of living under peoples' shadows, drowning in their accreditations for what they've done well and right and realizing that i'm just not making the cut. i found myself wanting to do things just so that they'll like me and not look at me a certain way - like i'm incapable of doing what's right.
had a little quibble with a friend a couple of weeks ago, but we made up within the evening. but i somehow feel extremely unsettled. even till today. my friend, that particular friend has always made me feel like i wasn't good enough. always made me feel that i do everything wrong. i feel judged with every move i make. honestly, it's suffocating having to calculate every step i take when i'm around that person. over the years, there have been moments when my friend's really cut me deep, but i've never said anything. because to everyone, she's perfect and can do no wrong. i'm afraid too, that perhaps i've put her in the wrong light. perhaps, i've misinterpreted her actions. what it is to me might not have been to her. but why is it then i still feel so cheated and angry for having to endure this sense of betrayal? our friendship's gone superficial. our friendship's plastic. could it then still be considered friendship?
i feel like i've been left trailing behind, eating her dust.
it pains me that our friendship has deteoriated to such a degree. it couldn't have been more one sided, this friendship. i've given my all only to meet with empty words and shallow niceties. it pains me because i've done my best. it pains me because no one knows how i feel. it pains me because she didn't stand up for me when i needed her to do so the most. it pains me because the people who matter to me compare me to her. it pains me because i'm nice to her because i don't want what's left of this friendship to crumble. it pains me because we share the same circle of friends.
most of all, it pains me because i'm silent.
why is it that i'm so affected by this one situation? i care too much about this friendship to forsake it completely. because my friend means much to me, though i may not be so to her. i'm afraid confrontation will only serve to shatter what's left, leaving a smear on a seemingly good friendship. but perhaps this smear only adds on to older stains.
but through this, i must say i have learnt something. i've learnt from her to be a better person in many ways, to be more wary of things. and a lesson that i keep learning over and over and over again (i suppose that's due to me not learning the lesson well enough the first time. but it's a profound thing to grasp sometimes) is not letting the past get me down. i cannot be a chained prisoner to negative thoughts. i
cannot fall victim to the lies and deceit of the devil.
my mind's been weak. my heart's been vulnerable.
an onslaught.
an onslaught.
but i am on a mission.
i cannot let people make me feel any less of myself unless i give them permission to.
haha it's funny to be laughing in the middle of such a serious blogpost. but i'm laughing because it's amazing. God heard me today and the night before. the purpose driven devotionals was about the betrayal of friendships today... reminding me that Jesus knows how i feel because He went through the same thing..
one point that struck me the most:
Re-focus your life. Don’t let anyone, particularly someone who has betrayed your trust, control you through a grip on your emotions. No doubt you’re feeling angry and hurt, but rather than trying to resist those thoughts, redirect them.For instance, try to see the situation from God’s perspective, and remember his ability to take things that are hurtful or mean-spirited in our lives and turn them into good.
i am on a mission to be better - to rise above what i feel.
not an emotion directed attitude
but a level-headed and truth (because i know) directed trust in Him that everything will be okay.
and i'm an overcomer in Him
just as i have overcomed other hurdles
i can overcome this
i am loved
no less
by the King of Kings
i have the joy (:
