i feel so overwhelmed by God tonight, and it's in a really good way. thank You (:
there's been a breakthrough of sorts and a quiet liberation accompanies it; i feel like i'm gradually breaking free of an old self with crippling habits of comparison and that toxic sense of too much introspection.
it may be startling for some to hear (or read) this but i'm learning to be myself. i've always been me but there has always been a constant striving to be like somebody else because i deem them as better/successful, and also because the world/parents/important people in my life think that way too, and it tired me out so much, it was horrible.
i beat myself up for not being as caring or not knowing how to care well, for not writing as well, for not having a good analytical mind, for not being godly a certain way or for not knowing how to be a good conversationalist and respond with witty remarks etc. (or so i thought). in some sense, i think i really hated myself for not measuring up or being good enough. i compared myself to good and close friends around me and that took a toll on my friendships because i stopped loving them. instead, i grew to envy and fear their successes... but most of all, i was acutely aware and fearful of my lack. the comparison only made me feel worse. i would think of: "... oh if XXX were here, she'd do it this way and i should learn to do that" or "if only i'm XXX, i'd know how to respond to this situation better." lots of self-deprecating thoughts accompanied the above too. i guess what made the entire experience worse were less-than-encouraging words from people who matter.
my self-esteem hasn't always been super great - although i think i'm really good at masking that - but the last year, especially, left it all bruised and fragile. i felt completely unworthy and unlovely because of all the comparing... i struggled with that so much. i had failed to realize my unique worth. everyday, i'd ask God to show me how much He loves me so that i could feel somewhat better. i was actually quite desperate. haha. i know my worth is in Christ but understanding it and being so deeply and firmly convicted is quite another level altogether.
on hindsight, this process of pain and brokenness that God allowed me to go through was a necessary one because it tired me out to show me the pointlessness of striving to be someone else whom God has never intended me to be; it made me see the importance of being comfortable in my own skin. someone once said: "stop comparing and it'd free you to be the person whom God has intended you to be", and i can't agree more.
be faithful in being teachable.
i really thank God for doing something in my heart, for causing a change - a transformation to take place that i no longer feel the way i do. in stopping myself from comparing myself with others, i'm protecting my heart from being trampled upon and i'm really helping it to grow more healthily.
God's brought me to a really comforting realization that when i'm comfortable being me, it frees not just me, but the people around me to feel comfortable too, to be free to be themselves without the fear of being judged. being comfortable with myself and the complete cutting out of comparison also means that i become someone more pleasant to be around with because that toxic sense of self is no more. comparison is sooo poisonous and i cannot stress that enough. being comfortable with myself isn't a blindsiding of my flaws but it is the acknowledgement of them all yet trusting that God is a perfect Potter and He truly makes all things beautiful in His time. most of all, He's made me, me, with a combination of traits and qualities that others may not have and it is through those that He's intended for me to use to serve and love.
mm, i feel a lot happier/lighter these days although i still battle against negative thoughts that come my way. i have to say that it's really never easy - taking my thoughts captive - but i know i have to for the sake of transformation, for the sake of living in the freedom God intends for me, for the sake of my relationships, for precious loved ones.
throughout this whole period, prayer has become so precious. it was what that gave birth to this breakthrough. for a long time, i'd just been praying and praying and praying, and because of that, i see God's hands moving in other aspects of my life - in my relationships/friendships and in the way i view life. i've become so convicted by the essentiality of prayer. it's not that i've never realized it before, but it's become so much more precious to me now, so much so that it's become an automatic response to everything. whenever i find myself focusing too much on myself or when i start throwing myself a pity party, i say a prayer and that takes the focus and the pressure off of myself and my gaze onto God instead. what a wonderful change of mindset that brings (:
with a God so BIG, whose business is to transform, redeem and breathe life, i'm freed - yes past tense coz it's already done, FREED - to live, with a renewed sense of confidence and joy in my heart. (:
1 comment:
you write beautifully my dear, don't ever think you don't! :) and u are awesome just as you are. always remember that! u are fearfully and wonderfully made, in His image. and min, if there's anything i've learnt through my own journey, for every person who dished out those less-than-kind words, there'll always be someone who appreciates the same (or other) aspects of you. and those people are for keeps! finally you know Jesus loves us soooo much. more than we can ever hope or imagine for any human being to. i totally identify with this feeling of needing to feel like you are enough, sometimes exactly because you feel you are too much!! stasi eldredge anyone?? haha anyway lots of <3 <3 <3 i dropped by!
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