faithful One

i don't know why but i've been feeling a little emo these days. perhaps, it's the stress from piling schoolwork that's causing this whole flux of emotions within me. sometimes, i ask God why He's made me the person that i am. i always seem to go through a season of brokenness where i hurt very deeply, where old scars are re-visited even though i've tried to surrender them all in past. i am tired of coming back to the same issues. they take so long to be fully addressed. yet, i know the things i go through helps me be that much better, stronger and more empathetic towards people who feel the same way. i admit i'm a bit of a melancholic at times and it's not always a good thing. sometimes, i wonder too, if me being this way warrants judgment people form the people around me, even my closest friends, my closest loves. sigh.

i suppose one thing that God is re-wiring in my heart is my ability to wholly trust and surrender to Him. to find that depth of rest and peace in knowing who He is and who i am in Him. Fear, is a constant, daily battle that i fight every single day. i fear loss. i fear failure. i am wrestling with God. i'm afraid that He'd take the people i love, the things i love away from me. i fear what the future holds sometimes. i know all the thoughts i should be thinking, i know all the godly perspectives that i should have towards my fear. i know that i should trust God. but somehow, i'm finding it harder and harder to do so these days. it scares me. i love my God so much and i want to surrender unto Him but i'm afraid. what if my will is not in accordance to His? As much as God has measured me for all that i need to go through... i'm lacking the faith and the bigness of hope to trust in Him. have my desires displaced my acknowledgement of his sovereignty in my life?

how did i come to this place of disobedience?

God has been so, so silent. i don't think i've ever come to such a dry place before. it scares me to be here. i feel alone. i feel inadequate in so many ways. i feel like i've let the people around me down, i feel like i've let God down. i keep trying but it's never enough. is it then because of me leaning on my own strength and might too much? sometimes, i wonder if there's anything wrong with the person that i am. i want life to flow out of me because who Christ is in my life. i want to love you. i want to love so fearlessly. i want to bring you to a place of love and redemption and grace in knowing Christ. i want you to know my God. but i don't know if i'm doing it right.

***

I find no hope within to call my own

For I am frail of heart, my strength is gone

But deep within my soul is rising up a song

Here in the comfort of the faithful one

I walk a narrow road through valleys deep

In search of higher ground, on mountains steep

And though with feet unsure, I still keep pressing on.

For I am guided by the faithful one.

Faithful, faithful to the end,

My true and precious friend,

You have been faithful,

Faithful, so faithful to me

I see your wounded hands, I touch your side

With thorns upon your brow you bled and died

But there's an empty tomb, a love for all who come

And give their hearts to you, the faithful one.

Faithful, faithful to the end,

My true and precious friend,

You have been faithful,

Faithful, so faithful to me

And when the day is dawned and when the race is run

I will bow down before God's only Son

And I will lift my hands in praise for all you've done

And I will worship you, my faithful one.