all over the place

i've started to censor what i write so much so that i've got a about a million drafts that aren't published. i've become so careful with the words i put out there for the world to read. it's a good and a bad thing really. i wonder if i've lost a bit of myself in the censoring. but i'm not going to bother to do so tonight because i need an outlet.

the thesis is killing me. omg. i have no words to describe my frustration and state of inertia. so much lack of agency.

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i like to think that i'm able to perhaps encourage someone with what i write - both the joys and the pits of life. but somehow, i've seemed to lost that.

ack. dreary days should get kicked in the butt. today's one of those days where i sit and mope about my inabilities and fear losing things and people who matter to me. how has identification of the intangibles become so intangible? every time this happens, my heart feels like it's getting squashed with life slowly ebbing and trickling out of it. it's a feeling of dread. all i want is for someone to pick me up, hug me and remind me about the good things. "Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up with strings, these are a few of my favorite things. When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I'm feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things and i don't feel so bad." but there are moments when i can't think of my favourite things... sometimes i think about how much i've given and how i've put myself out there to love by being vulnerable and wonder if it's really worth it. what's wrong with me? i'm being human. being here and having time on my hands made me think a lot, though sometimes into overdrive. so many questions but still figuring out the answers. it doesn't really help when i can't think straight sometimes. i want to see the light at the end of the tunnel whenever i feel like i'm sinking into introspection. think God has been revealing a lot about Himself to me and challenging me to grow and to mature. but it's been difficult because pruning is painful. identifying new emotions. finding answers and solutions in Him. He's doing something new in my life and i don't quite know what... except that it's about the way i think. and connecting my mind and my heart and from there, gain a new lease of life. speaking of which, i have a draft somewhere about that. should probably work on it and develop this train of thought.

why literature?

full-time or teach?

why vice-chair?

what can i do? or what i cannot do; God, You can.

why lulea? why this environment?

so hard on myself.

"Word of God speak.
Would you pour down like rain.
Washing my eyes to see Your Majesty.
To be still and know that You're in this place.
Please let me stay and rest in your Holiness.
Word of God speak"

word of God speak/ mercy

learning to stand by Your grace

confidence in what You've filled me with

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i just want to get this done and over with so that i can go do all the things that i really wanna do and say goodbye to my friends here. i think i'll come to miss lulea. gonna miss friends and definitely my sprawling and spacious crib in chateau vaderleden (we christened it with home-made wine, thanks to the french gang) and well the slowness of it all. never thought i'd feel that way but i think i will. then again, i miss home so much. i teared when i saw pictures of sg's skyline. no kidding.

but before that, i'm gonna conquer europe before bidding goodbye to this beautiful continent. who knows when i'll ever get an opportunity to europe-trot again, right? although i must admit that i am really quite freaked out about traveling alone ): it will be a great experience but i hope i won't end up like a hermit, camping in my hostel all the time and not venturing out because i'm scared to death that i'll be targeted by pickpockets and mugged or smth. and i'll only reach dresden at 9+pm at night and have to find my way to the hostel. Lord, pls keep me safe and don't let it rain too. sigh. these are legitimate reasons to be concerned about my wellbeing while traveling alone. a girl, traveling alone in europe. what was i even thinking?? but hey, plans have already been made. i'll just have to keep both my eyes wide open and be really alert. sigh. God, is it possible to ask for a travel companion? i feel so vulnerable.

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at the end of the day, loving God is the single most difficult and yet, greatest calling that every Christian can and should live up to. but finding that courage in God to do so and to do it out of love is takes everything, over and beyond what you can ever give. and that is why we need God.

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aarrggghhhhh. frustration.

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brain, brain, brain, why are you doing this to me? ):