it's 1.56am now.

i couldn't sleep because i felt an overwhelming sense of fear. a sense of dread came over me when i thought about my driving test. i'm scared. i'm just so scared. afraid that i won't pass, again.

it'll be my 4th test. 3rd time lucky doesn't seem to apply to me. think i haven't really discussed this openly till now. guess i've been embarassed by it and i feel stupid for not being able to pass a simple test of driving. it's no doubt demoralizing .. a complete kill-joy. i really thought i could pass on my 1st try. oh well, God has other plans.

i really felt like a failure when i failed, not once but thrice. funny thing is, i always related it to my mental capability; my intelligence. i equated not being able to drive to being stupid. i know.. total bullocks, isn't it? but, that just felt so real when i didn't make it, i felt like i didnt measure to my friends (most of them btw) who have already gotten their licence and have passed within their 1st 2 tries.

i remembered crying every single time i failed; crying the hardest when i failed the 3rd time. felt like i let my parents down 'coz they're paying for half my driving fees. but i'm thankful such understanding parents although it's obvious that i've disappointed them, especially my mum. it just makes the pressure and the need to pass even greater. i feel the heat. constant what-ifs fill my mind. i can't tell them to go away 'coz they won't. not until i pass anyway.

it's really hard to stay positive sometimes. and i dont know if it's good or bad to have friends and family rooting for you. coz it's so much easier if nobody knew coz then nobody'd ask how your driving test went. but i suppose it's an issue of pride and that God's trying to teach me a lesson on humility and that there's nth to be ashamed of because i really did try my best.

i'm really thankful though, for friends who kept me in prayer and have encouraged me along the way (: i can't put down in words how loved and encouraged i felt. thank you all so much, i appreciate it!

to Yilin: thank you so much again, for coming down after my 2nd test, with the initial intention to celebrate my pass. but you ended up lending me your shoulder to cry on. for that, i'm most grateful... thank you for being there (:

i remembered reading this somewhere and had a friend say this to me too: "God doesn't bring you so far, only to let you fail". i'm just gonna hold on to that...

pardon my english and sentence sturctures etc. it has really gone downhill since my exams. time to dust the dust off the literary pen, man. i think i sound really jaded in this post. perhaps it's coz i havent really straightened out my thoughts bout this yet... i'll update it again.