sometimes i wished that i didnt have so much to think about. so much to resolve. so much to grapple with. dont get me wrong. i love my work. i love EVERYTHING that i'm doing. it's just one of the days that i feel down. one of the very rare days. it's this cyclical thing. and right now, it's the trough. days when i just don't feel like talking to anyone at all. i'm not upset. i'm not angry or whatsoever. i just feel like this. and there ain't got no explanation for it. my heart is ruling over my very logical head for now..

worst of all, i feel like i miss the whole world. i miss talking to people whom i used to talk to for hours on end. i miss journalling with GOd. i miss shopping - not for the apparels, but for the quality time spent with loving girlfriends. i miss sleeping in. i miss talking to all my besties. i miss everything that makes me happy.

i miss feeling happy.

it's hard to pinpoint where all my confusion, my catharsis, stem from. i guess it kinda built up over the months.

think i've neglected my emotions, myself for a tad bit too long. i need alone time. BUT, i dont want to be alone. i agree that i contradict myself too much.

you'll be surprised that at a grand old age of 19, i'm still forming my identity. yes, my identity is in Christ. But, i gotta find who I am in Him.

these intense and deep rooted emotions from the depths of my being,ones i never knew i possessed are now surfacing; trying to take over the reins of my life. it's easy to slip into a whirlwind of a million thoughts. but when you're not careful, you lose your foothold. then, turning back is just about one of the hardest things you ever have to do.

but who am i?
who sees me for who i am?
who knows me?
who am i to you?
who am i to anybody at all?

it's not a masquerade
it's a struggle against feeling vulnerable
i laugh and i smile
but who knows about all my fears, failures and pain?

why is it that when one laugh the hardest, it's the time one feels most like crying?

Oh God, you know my heart, you know me best. in all these, help me to honour You and hold on to Your truth, in Your arms, in Your embrace. please hold me close.. oh God. please.

it was a mistake from the start.

i know full well that i'm not supposed to be like this. but i just dont know why i feel this way.

i'll get over it.